On a Night in Dolce. . .

To Mr. 02

I definitely have no idea why I'm doing this love letter, if you can call it that. For there's no way that you'd be able to read it since I don't have your multiply account. Damn, I don't even know if you have one. But futile as it is, I really have to channel this emotion of mine that has been bugging me since last night, in a good way. My blog is sometimes my way of committing to script all of my repressed and unbearable emotions that I don't want to deal with. I'm writing cause after this, I don't want to deal with my emotions with you again.

I was really, really thrilled when I learned that you were coming with us for our night-out. I was quite surprised for, even though we go to the same school, we really don't know each other. But at the back of my mind I can't help but worry. Why? Because it's a night-out. The booze, smoking and wild dancing, these are all immovable parts of me that other people considers bad. I consider it bad. Actually I am at my worst when I go out to party.

Of course, I wouldn't want to leave you a bad ol' first impression, so I decided that I'm gonna stay away. Cause everything I heard about you is good. You never smoke, do good in class and do good with men too. Believe me, you always cross my mind months before we were even introduced. But heck, I thought to myself, "Why the hell would I alter my personality to be appreciated?". So I kinda reconsidered. If you won't like me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. So I partied my heart out. I drank 5 bottles of beer under 30 minutes and smoked half of my pack. I even offered you some even though I know you'd decline.

I was so drank and disoriented with what was happening that I barely noticed that we were already in Guilly's Island. And there is where it all happened. I never would have wanted to assume and be overconfident in something, but I had a feeling that you could have danced with me all night. All of my friends were already conniving to find a way to make me dance with you. But I said no. . .

Every part of me is telling me to take the first move and talk to you. I'm sure it could have lead to one thing or another, but I can't allow that to happen. It's because I made peace with what inevitably will come to me, utter loneliness. I'm not that kind of gay who still believes that their gonna end up in somebody's waiting arms or their so-called knight in shining armor will come and save them from the wicked and unforgiving world they lurk in. I know that some if not many gays still live to see that happy ending fulfilled, but I know that I'm not one of them. That might sound stupid but I know wholeheartedly that it's true.

You were definitely the ideal man. But that's where it all ends. Thank you for making me smile for this whole day.

XOXO

Jerome