Tomorrow Morning. . .

I remember being asked by one guy on what is the most difficult, and perhaps most hurting, in falling in love. I didn't skipped a heartbeat when I said that it's when you always think about the person, he drives you crazy without even doing anything and he's the last person you fantasize (not in a lustful manner, mind you. more like the knight in shining armor thing. digging it? hahaha) of in the evening and the first upon waking up. . . and yet he doesn't know it. He doesn't know it because you definitely can't tell him, out of the fear that he'd laughed at your face, brag it to his friends, or because of the fear that your verbal acceptance of your feelings for him can blow all your rationality away, inevitably leaving you vulnerable.

I shouldn't have told him.

Whenever i reminisce about Flour, I always end up recalling this very specific afternoon. We were doing our rounds in CAT. Being a simple Raso, I have no choice but to be the underdog and follow whatever this officer of ours want us to do. I recall how he stood a feet away from me smiling at the person beside me. And that's it. It was the perfect scene. That's when I succumbed to this weird feelings that I was having and finally accept that, no matter how hard I try to hide my sexuality and my feelings, one way or another it will catch up on me. I remember closing my eyes for a very long time, trying to tone down this sudden rush of weakening nausea. And when I opened them, there he was, smiling at me. . .

Fate is always a step ahead of me. Just when I was trying to fight and keep in chains the persona lurking in me, it just keeps finding a way to take over.

I made one promise to myself. I'll never compromise. For I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, than settle for something that, given my sexuality, is so fragile and elusive. I'll never commit to any relationship, if I can help it. But the more I keep this promise, the more this persona tries to break free, reminding me that I'm a mere human, vulnerable and easily swayed.

I hope that when that side of me finally takes over, I wouldn't end up hurting again in the end. Cause now, I'm starting to feel it again. I don't want to reminisce in the future and regret that I shouldn't have read his article. . .