Break for Me

The 'real vacation' is finally near! I'm going home to Tabaco, Albay, the city of love (I have definitely no idea why they call it that. It's not like it has a lot of lovebirds frolicking all over the place or something.) tomorrow!

I remember this message which was forwarded to us by Mr. Alejo, "May this semestral break serve as rest and a time for reflection.", which will be true in my case. I am in need of some time and a quiet place for me to stop and just think. I need peace. I definitely cannot have that with me staying at the four corners of my room with the temptation of my computer just a meter away from me, coz I'd end up playing The Romance of The Three Kingdom or Dracula the Origin. My day would then be narrowed down with me in front of the computer the whole time, lost in the game and not even noticing that night has come and it's time for me to grab my supper, take a shower (my second shower for the day. hahaha! defensive! I just don't want others to think that I'm too much of a sloth to mind my hygiene.) and sleep. And the same thing happens the next day. It's like I'm a program who mechanically does my routine for no concrete reason at all. I need an inspiration. I need to be driven.

It might sound cheesy, but I really, really want to find myself this next few days. I wanted to know exactly what I wanted in my life. Damn it, I'm turning 20 on the last day of this month! I am so alarmed for I don't think I'm ready yet. What would my studying hard and always doing the right and appropriate thing mean if I wouldn't be happy nor contented in the end. I know I'm typing in riddles, but this feeling to me is a riddle itself.

I said that I'll never compromise and enter a relationship, that I'll strive to be a bona fide nurse and study hard. I've done this. This past semester yun lang yung ginawa ko. I wanted this things to happen, why I feel so shallow?

I wanted to get in touch with my spirituality again. It's been ages since I've read the Bible! I need some inspiration. Don't get me wrong. It's not my escape from my harsh realities in life. It's more like of an assurance. I wanted to be my same old self again who walks and take on challenges fearlessly, knowing that God is with me. I can't believe that I'm actually asking what's missing when all along I knew it.

I hope I'll find comfort and assurance this vacation. I'm kinda scared. I don't think I'll end up being happy if things stay as it is.

XOXO

Jerome