A Change of Heart

I never thought I’d live to see the day that my experiences will rattle my faith and belief. I don’t know if it’s either the Proposition that I’ve been ranting about or me moving into a new apartment (which is obviously less likely) but I think I’m having doubts on my belief, I should say this simply, with God. Not with His existence though, but with His ways.

For the record, I’m not pertaining to all Christians.

The Proposition that banned same-sex marriage in California was nonetheless financed by Christian organizations, mostly the Mormons. Now I might sound obsessed and stupid to rant about a gay marriage ban that only occurred in California, but with this they set a huge example for a world filled with religious bigots to follow. With this proposition, they fired the emotions of many Christians to continuously manipulate society through their fanaticism and aggressive efforts in implementing their ideas and beliefs, creating their own dream world, which is beyond their comprehension, a nightmare to others.

All I can say when the vote was tallied and the proposition won on an excruciatingly narrow margin of 1%, was why? Why would these religious groups beg (as reported) their followers to donate millions and millions of dollars (that could have been used to help the needy, if that’s really their purpose and will) to stop something that wouldn’t even hurt a damn insect? And why would these followers oblige to do so? What would a married gay couple sharing a home, baking goods and watching American Idol (sorry, it’s my fave show) together do to them? They say that it’s because they want to preserve the ‘traditional marriage’ and to spare the children from going through the emotional and moral bombardments that may come along if gay marriage will remain legalized and taught in school. Well I have two words for them; bull shit.

Their concept of the traditional marriage was long recognized to be fucked with the many cases of divorces in their state. And who are they to argue when teachers association of California already stated that no difficulties will be experienced in teaching children about gay marriage?

These people who voted yes for Proposition 8 do not care about traditional marriage. Heck, this doesn’t have anything to do with children. It’s them stopping at nothing in making their beliefs and bible- driven ideas of what is moral or not (which is not shared by all! They can’t friggin accept that!) known, preserved and unchallenged. They wanted the society to bend to their own will, even if that means depriving others of happiness. They’re selfish fleas who definitely have zero tolerance.

Now, I can sit here all night badmouthing them, but I wouldn’t be happy in the end. For I, in a way, understand them (I hope they can do that to my kind). They are also simpletons who just happen to have a firm grasp on their religion and spirituality. Beliefs are like butts, everyone has it blah blah blah. So here I’ll show you the root of this.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." Leviticus 18:22

This is where it all started. I even came across one translation wherein it was stated that people who lie with the same sex should be killed. If sex is forbidden in the beliefs of a vast majority, then what can be said of marriage. With this, gay marriage to Christians is blasphemy.

I can’t believe I’m typing this. But God, with all that He is, should have known that this passage, as long as His words stand as law to others, will continuously create feuds and discriminations. It will continue to bring hurting, grief and uncertainties to the gay people. Was it really His will? Did He really sent gay people here to be punished not only in the eternal flames of afterlife, but as long as they live? These questions suddenly resurfaced as I look at the pictures of gay people rallying outside the churches of Mormons. I was like, “This is going to be like this for a very, very long time.”

It’s unfair. No, forget about being unfair. It’s not right. I believe that the ultimate purpose of any religion is to bind people to God’s faith. I believe that God is committed to that. I’m a proud gay believer despite that I have read this passage many years ago. Some gays abandon their belief in God upon reading this. But I did not. For I don’t think it’s right to abandon your faith just because you find something in your God’s teaching that is unjust. You don’t look for the ideal God. You accept Him for what He is.

I didn’t look for escape. With His grace, I sought for answers. More than anything, the knowledge of this passage from Leviticus made me a strong and humble believer of God. In a way I even fight for people being oppressed through God’s words. For I sincerely believe that it was never his will to oppress people . I would often say, “How about those gay people who honor their parents, do not steal, live a decent life and always put God first? Aren’t they worth saving?

But with all of this happening, the continuous oppression and discrimination, I’m afraid, terrified, that I might be arriving at the answer soon. The answer that I think I knew from the beginning but fought hard to see otherwise. I just sincerely hoped and prayed hard to see a different one in the end.

XOXO

Jerome