This confession is my gift and my way of saying merry christmas to you all.
"Sabi nga ni Melissa Etheridge, hindi ka naman sa sexuality or so body ng tao naiin-love eh, kundi sa soul niya," Aurora told me in a very special afternoon, as I try, in futile, to battle the emotions that suddenly surged through me like an overwhelming avalanche. Something is happening, I told myself. And with those words she said, she triggered the latch that was preventing me to comprehend what it was that I'm feeling. I, since that memorable and fateful day when I freed myself from the shackles of social standards and public perceptions, never thought that I'm gonna fall for a girl.
It's funny. Before, whenever I'm asked about what I'm looking for in a man, I'd say without skipping a heartbeat that he should be simply mature. Someone who had enough of the typical "teenage love affair" and is willing to take the chance for a serious and stable relationship. I want someone who is willing to compromise everything, even if in the end there's doubts and possibilities that he could get hurt. I want someone who's willing to take a leap of faith for the sake of loving wholeheartedly. I also seek men who are, in a way, intellectually stimulating. Someone who will not only feed your inner fiends, but someone who will make you say at the end of the day, "Heck, I got my man."
I feel embarassed with even recalling this preferences of mine. Simply because of the fact that I don't deserve someone like it.
I'm selfish. Prideful. Your typical cold bitch. I wouldn't even lift a finger to please others. I, in any way, do not allow myself to show even a hint of whatever it is that I'm feeling towards a person. Whenever I let something slips off, I would end up cursing myself and feeling bad, ashamed. You might find it crazy but it is me in the raw. I'm full of shit. I look for the ideal man in everybody, ignoring that they're human, not some clay that you can mold into whatever idea of perfection you have in mind. That's given the fact that in the first place, I think I'm not even capable of reciprocating the same devotion that I seek. I can't love anybody else because I love myself too much, to even consider the pain and the possibility of being hurt at the end. I don't deserve the man of my dreams because in return, I can't be the same ideal man for him.
So I stopped, grown even colder and in the end decided to never settle for a relationship. That's a promise that as I continue to fulfill in my everyday life, I find harder to let go. Thanks to my pride. Sometimes I watch and listen in envy as my friends showcase their boyfriends, and in the end regret feeling so after they ended up crying on how they were cheated, lied at and taken advatage of. This continous cycle of being friends, courting, being "on", seemingly endless monsaries, doubts, quarrels and break up just make my decision and beliefs more concrete. I don't want that for myself. To qoute the Dixie Chicks, "I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, than settle for the kind of love that sets before the morning light,". I would mutter that to myself whenever the 'human' in me resurface and make me feel alone and without love.
As I wander in solitude, with the invisible "keep out" line of ten feet around me, I met someone I'm going to hide in the name of Aurora. And, as a throwback to the cliche, that's where it all started. Nobody, not even my closest of friends, can make me sit in front of them for five hours to just talk like she did. No one can make me come to anybody's dorm or house and wait long to run errands like she did. No one can make me feel so happy and enlightened with my day by just listening to music together and swapping music like she did. No one can make me come with along to just buy some apartment decorations till late evening like she did. No one can make me look forward to going to school and abhoring leaving for home like she did.
How? How does a fag like me be stupid enough to cross all the lines of gay blasphemies and fall for a girl? That I can't answer. All I know is beneath her womanly body is the soul of the person that I'm looking for.
Aurora, by far, is the most fascinating person that I've ever met. Napakalalim niyang tao. I could practically unseat Paulo Coelho by taking down notes of what she's saying and turn it to a book. She's the kind of person that would make you stop and think hard with what she says. I always look like a fool and feel so unsmart whenever I'm talking to her. She commands you by the neck and will make you listen and appreciate everything she said without her even exerting the effort. And above all, I think she understands me, and nothing could top that.
It's funny because she knows it, and I didn't even tell her. She would occasionally tease me and say, "Uy naiin-love ka na sa akin!,". I would just ride on and say "Ginugulo mo ang isip ko! Bakla ako! Bakla!" to myself more than to her.
The scarier part is when I learned that she just broke up with her girlfriend (Yes, things got more complicated). Whenever we get together she would always bring up the issue about how she's hurting and all. But when I asked her why she still love her like she does, she would simply say, "Gusto kong patunayan sa kaniya na kaya ko siyang mahalin maski sa malayo lang. Kasi hindi naman mata ang gamit mo pag nagmamahal ka eh. Kundi eto," as she points to her chest. I was scared because she almost completed the descriptive aspect of the man I'm looking for. She had gone on great lengths on the compromising-and-giving your-whole department that it's sending chills down my spine. And the confusing thing, ironically, is that I'm not confuse.
Something is happening. I think I'm falling harder for her.
XOXO
Jerome
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