I'm Scared

Just moments ago I was on the verge of running. I needed an escape. I badly neeed a computer in front of me so that I can pour all the emotions and confusions that had been punishing me this whole day. I needed to be in my domain.

I'm a complete asshole. What's more shameful than that is that I needed Aurora to pound hard on me in order to realize it. I thought I was doing the right thing, for I have good intentions. But I guess having that isn't good enough.

It wasn't days ago when I started being so euphoric with everything. From waking up, taking a shower, eating my breakfast, riding the LRT, going to school and coming home, I did in such a different light. I've never been so relief and happy for a long time.

It's because I came out of my second closet. I thought I couldn't be happier when I admitted to the whole world two years ago that I was gay. I thought there's nothing else that I have to do. I have freed myself from the tight grip of social standards and norms, and because of that, I felt that there's nothing else that I can't do.

Two years after that I proved myself wrong. I realized that redefining moments in life never cease on coming. Opportunities will constantly rain on you, to make yourself a better and happier person. But you have to be brave enough to realize such opportunities, or else they will just pass you by.

That's what I did. I openly told a guy how much I like him. It took every ancient guts, repressed emotions and will in me to pull it off. But pull it off I did. And it proved to be so rewarding.

Everyday seems like a new day, after that. I was always smiling, texting my friends, being nice and corteous, crossing the street without being impatient and without ranting on how long it's taking the red light to flash, everything. It's like I'm a new person.

I started the friendship with him by being honest, so I thought that continously doing it is the right thing. Ever since then I always made sure that I'm exerting efforts to make him feel special. I'm thinking of him everytime, imagining ways to please him and make him happy, even if it's through text messages. I never wanted anything in return, not even his replies, for the mere fact that he never complains about me being annoying and bothersome is enough. That meant the world to me.

I thought everything was okay when I suddenly had this sudden introspection, do I know the guy? I was constantly reminding him that I fell for him when I met him at a corridor last week. That his meekness, silence and the way he stood made me moon over him. But that was the thing that hit me in the face. I was already making assumptions about him already and that's making me admire him. I didn't take the time to get to know him first and rushed everything like I'm gonna die tomorrow. I limited the space. All these realizations are killing me.

I'm so sad. All this time I thought I was talking to him, but I was merely talking to myself. I was always the one who keeps on talking through text, that I forgot to listen. Never once was he the one who inititated a conversation. All he did was to give feedback to my constant bugging. Sabi nga ni Aurora, "Binabakuran mo siya eh. Nakakasakal ka,".

I never intended to do that, but unconsciously nagawa ko. Now I'm at risk of destroying even the chance of friendship, which was, I realized, the first thing that I wanted in the first place.

I don't know. I really, really like him. I'm so sad talaga. . .

Are You Effin Kidding Me?!

I'm so frustrated this past week and it's because of more than one reason. First, I couldn't get a passing mark on my Pain and Surgery quizzes. And I've been coughing my life out of me for more than a week after that exhausting duty rotation at San Nicholas Health Center that I was almost certain I was infected with TB. Worst and I mean worst is when I received the biopsy results of my father. I don't even want to talk about it for it worries me so much and I can't even smile every time I remember it. (You'd get well tay. It's not serious, it'll never be. Don't worry we'll get through this together. We love you.)

But the cherry on top of this seemingly endless punishments is my search for the damn application for LAMP, our official institute publication! I was so worried that I threw all of my chances and hardwork when I missed their general assembly or something like that. I was texted to attend it but I have a lecture during that time and I just can't pull myself away. After that day I was so depressed for nothing is going right. I exhausted all of my connections and efforts just to submit three articles for the application early last year, that the mere thought of it amounting to nothing saddens me.

But now I received the application form. The application form would have sufficed. I don't need anything else. But the fate won't let me have it for they also sent me some tasks that are so! I can't even think of a word. Just check it for yourself:

hello po

attached here is the application form for The Lamp. Kindly accomplish and submit it to us personally.

in behalf of the editorial Board, here is the task you need to do.

1. Find the full names of the following editors:

Editor-in-Chief

Associate Editors

Managing Editor

News Editor

Features Editor

2. here are their cellphone numbers arranged randomly. you can text them:

09267536469

09159057921

09152114354

09161268761

09052599573

09277002090

3. write their positions, full names at the end of the application form. let them sign beside their name.

4. be ready for a brief interview.

5. submit your form to the last editor you will find.

Good Luck!

May The Lamp be with you...

Hmmmm. May the LAMP be with you? That sounds like the tag line from Star Wars. If that's so then I wish I could step into the dark side!

Gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my effin gosh. I'm so not good at interacting! When I was told that there were certain tasks to be accomplished I anticipated that they'd ask the aspiring members to write some friggin articles and essay. That's what's suppose to be right? Or am I alone in this peculiarity? Am I suddenly applying for a new season of the Amazing Race? No, probably not. I'm too fat for that.

I don't know what I'm gonna do! I so wanted to do something different and perhaps awesome on my last year in FEU but this is way out of my element.I can't even begin why they just won't let me write! I so wanted to do it! Arrrrrggggh!

Hmmmm. Anygays I hope I'm still alive after this, for I'm still gonna do it. Good luck sa akin. Humanda sila!

XOXO

Jerome

Turbulence

To Adelaide:

I realized many things today, my very old friend. You're right. We all have weakness and flaws, things that we fight so hard in our everyday lives to overcome. But never have I looked at mine in such a different light. What if all of my efforts to bury the fragile person in me had all been for nothing? What if the person I've been wanting to be all this time is the same person that experienced being hold-up, the same person that sometimes fail his exams, flank with men and the same person who ravels at his solitude?

I've been very unfair to myself. I've been very unfair to you. I have everything in me to make both of us happy. But instead I let the smokes of collective beliefs and standards cloud that. I thought I needed to be excellent in everything that I do that it brings so much frustration when I failed to do so. I never realized that I can be excellent in a very fulfilling way through my own eyes and my own judgement, without the approval of others and their norms. I thought compromising myself for the sake of friendship and for 'keeping things stable' would do me good in the end. Instead I experienced being manipulated, laughed at and taken advantage of because of this. I forgot the true nature of men, my dear friend, that they often take your kindness for weakness.

And worse, I broke a hard promise. And I think it's the reason why you're suffering. I thought I needed someone beside me to make me feel happy.

I remember how both of us walked through the temptations and negativities that were trying to stray us away from finding the true measure and meaning of happiness. I look at you and I knew that everything would be all right. I promised to you that we will never settle for superficial happiness, that we will try to find true love and joy from the simplest to the most extravagant happenings in life. Because of this we became happy, but of course never contented. We would'nt want to feel that would we? We would always want to continue to reach for the top. But we promised each other that we will do it with love and happiness in our hearts.

Our homing instinct were built. We became accustomed to our seemingly monotonous life.

Then it happened. We fall in love. I let you fall in love. In a wrong way. Because of this our peace was disturbed. You, who have not experienced the warmth of lust and love for ages was consumed by its sudden passion, that you became reckless and agressive. You didn't know that deep within you lurks a pool longingness and of rage, that you jump for every chance of love, not knowing what awaits at you. This continous cycle left you spoiled and sored. I allowed your sickness flow through my consciousness and let you control me. Because of that, we sought love, but not in our ideal way.

We sought love selfishly, for our own satisfaction and joy. And for that we got nothing in return. Following that everything we built carefully and with innocence came tumbling down in our very own eyes. The good friends, the tangible and bright future and our strong yet humble dignity. We can't even look at the simplest joys of life with the same enthusiasm anymore. It's because we felt how good loving somebody is, even though it's just a mirage, just a mere hint of what we truly seek.

Our concept of true happiness was stolen from us. We can't stand on our own feet and say that our happiness is never defined by whether or not we have someone beside us. That banner had long been torn and surrendered. Everything not related to intimacy just pass in front of our eyes, even the things that fulfill our beings before. Everything, is falling into pieces that I'm having a hard time judging which to save or catch.

I wish I never put myself out there for the sake of 'trying new things'. We've always been happy, you and I, until we got bored of our routine and dared to be somebody else.

I realized, my dear friend, that I've been weak a body for you. I have to pick up the pieces and be the body and the person we both want to be. And it all begins now. I do not promise to you that I'm not going to fall in love again. We both know now how it feels. But I promise you that we won't be slaves of love anymore. We will not crave and be a glutton of its light, no matter how immense it is. We will stay composed and guarded, all the while seeking love and maintaining our beliefs, as your wounds heal.

Your Body

Jerome

And the wails came again. . .

To Jerome:

It’s been a long time since you stepped into my realm and listened, my beloved. So long that I can almost gasp at what’s keeping me to not raise my hand and choke the life out of you. For it wouldn’t have made any difference. You’re already dead.

Dead as the maple leaves that flutter in rhythm with the cold blowing winds of November. Dead as a lone boat floating towards wherever the tides of time send it amidst the unending sea. But you are far worst. Your death reeks as you walk, sleep and live, that I wonder why the claws of the devil have not yet opened the earth beneath your feet and consume you.

You, yet again, have failed me. It’s not an expression of disgust or surprise. It’s a mere acknowledgement. For I’ve known all along that however hard I pound on you, you would go back to your ways. Damn you and your homing instinct. Why not do it again? It’s only been a year since you tried it. Maybe you could find peace after, for you are paving hell after hell with what you’re doing now.

Well, at least, let me do my job. I have come again because I thought I heard your

heart beat, and I feel a familiar warmth. So Jerome, as a proud gay advocate and aspiring nurse, what have you been up to?

Nothing much, I would say. You’re still on that damn lane of parading what you call the ‘real you’. Hahaha. How long have you been doing that? For it’s becoming old fashioned. What would it take me to finally shed the light and let you see perhaps even a glimpse, that the reflection you see in the mirror is not you, but that of a selfish, vain, cruel, stone-hearted, proud phantom that you’ve been trying to be all these time, and whose secretly been laughing at you?

What are you doing, setting up standards for you to follow that are either too high or too stupid? Going against the law of nature by limiting and depriving yourself with the needs of your soul? Ranting on what you don’t have instead of being thankful for the things really make the real you?

And worst, what are you doing, shooting down every damn chance of love and happiness? Turning your face away, even though your cold skin yearns for the warmth of its light? There you go, spreading health and love to communities and hospitals, but you can’t even nourish your soul with what it has been yearning for.

I know my old friend, I know, it’s not pride. In the depths of your heart and soul you know it’s not. It’s cowardice. You’re weak and too scared to fight for what you want. That’s what I loved about you; you’re human. You’re not some ironclad manwhore who’s not capable of loving wholeheartedly and unselfishly. You’re weak, in need of others, a typical gay who can’t stop blushing and giggling whenever you see your crush, a glutton, a simpleton and above all, a lover. These are the things that are supposed to make you happy and contented. But you push them away, for the stupid reason that you don’t want to be like them. You’ve got to stop saying and believing that it’s pride that is taking control of you. You’re scared, and you have to deal with it or suffer the consequences later.

Two years of perseverance. Two years of isolation. Two years of without love. It’s time for you to find love in another man’s arms. You have denied and damaged yourself unimaginably. I can barely reach to you, for even me, you ignore. It’s been too long, my beloved, too long. I’m becoming tired and the molds of your home are sending me back to my mother’s eternal embrace. I don’t think that I can still fight for you. You have damaged me far enough, too. Don’t let them take me away from you, and let yourself be imprisoned in the darkness. Love me unconditionally. Fight for me. I know you can do it. I know you will do it, this time.

I love you.

Soul