I'm Scared

Just moments ago I was on the verge of running. I needed an escape. I badly neeed a computer in front of me so that I can pour all the emotions and confusions that had been punishing me this whole day. I needed to be in my domain.

I'm a complete asshole. What's more shameful than that is that I needed Aurora to pound hard on me in order to realize it. I thought I was doing the right thing, for I have good intentions. But I guess having that isn't good enough.

It wasn't days ago when I started being so euphoric with everything. From waking up, taking a shower, eating my breakfast, riding the LRT, going to school and coming home, I did in such a different light. I've never been so relief and happy for a long time.

It's because I came out of my second closet. I thought I couldn't be happier when I admitted to the whole world two years ago that I was gay. I thought there's nothing else that I have to do. I have freed myself from the tight grip of social standards and norms, and because of that, I felt that there's nothing else that I can't do.

Two years after that I proved myself wrong. I realized that redefining moments in life never cease on coming. Opportunities will constantly rain on you, to make yourself a better and happier person. But you have to be brave enough to realize such opportunities, or else they will just pass you by.

That's what I did. I openly told a guy how much I like him. It took every ancient guts, repressed emotions and will in me to pull it off. But pull it off I did. And it proved to be so rewarding.

Everyday seems like a new day, after that. I was always smiling, texting my friends, being nice and corteous, crossing the street without being impatient and without ranting on how long it's taking the red light to flash, everything. It's like I'm a new person.

I started the friendship with him by being honest, so I thought that continously doing it is the right thing. Ever since then I always made sure that I'm exerting efforts to make him feel special. I'm thinking of him everytime, imagining ways to please him and make him happy, even if it's through text messages. I never wanted anything in return, not even his replies, for the mere fact that he never complains about me being annoying and bothersome is enough. That meant the world to me.

I thought everything was okay when I suddenly had this sudden introspection, do I know the guy? I was constantly reminding him that I fell for him when I met him at a corridor last week. That his meekness, silence and the way he stood made me moon over him. But that was the thing that hit me in the face. I was already making assumptions about him already and that's making me admire him. I didn't take the time to get to know him first and rushed everything like I'm gonna die tomorrow. I limited the space. All these realizations are killing me.

I'm so sad. All this time I thought I was talking to him, but I was merely talking to myself. I was always the one who keeps on talking through text, that I forgot to listen. Never once was he the one who inititated a conversation. All he did was to give feedback to my constant bugging. Sabi nga ni Aurora, "Binabakuran mo siya eh. Nakakasakal ka,".

I never intended to do that, but unconsciously nagawa ko. Now I'm at risk of destroying even the chance of friendship, which was, I realized, the first thing that I wanted in the first place.

I don't know. I really, really like him. I'm so sad talaga. . .