Turbulence

To Adelaide:

I realized many things today, my very old friend. You're right. We all have weakness and flaws, things that we fight so hard in our everyday lives to overcome. But never have I looked at mine in such a different light. What if all of my efforts to bury the fragile person in me had all been for nothing? What if the person I've been wanting to be all this time is the same person that experienced being hold-up, the same person that sometimes fail his exams, flank with men and the same person who ravels at his solitude?

I've been very unfair to myself. I've been very unfair to you. I have everything in me to make both of us happy. But instead I let the smokes of collective beliefs and standards cloud that. I thought I needed to be excellent in everything that I do that it brings so much frustration when I failed to do so. I never realized that I can be excellent in a very fulfilling way through my own eyes and my own judgement, without the approval of others and their norms. I thought compromising myself for the sake of friendship and for 'keeping things stable' would do me good in the end. Instead I experienced being manipulated, laughed at and taken advantage of because of this. I forgot the true nature of men, my dear friend, that they often take your kindness for weakness.

And worse, I broke a hard promise. And I think it's the reason why you're suffering. I thought I needed someone beside me to make me feel happy.

I remember how both of us walked through the temptations and negativities that were trying to stray us away from finding the true measure and meaning of happiness. I look at you and I knew that everything would be all right. I promised to you that we will never settle for superficial happiness, that we will try to find true love and joy from the simplest to the most extravagant happenings in life. Because of this we became happy, but of course never contented. We would'nt want to feel that would we? We would always want to continue to reach for the top. But we promised each other that we will do it with love and happiness in our hearts.

Our homing instinct were built. We became accustomed to our seemingly monotonous life.

Then it happened. We fall in love. I let you fall in love. In a wrong way. Because of this our peace was disturbed. You, who have not experienced the warmth of lust and love for ages was consumed by its sudden passion, that you became reckless and agressive. You didn't know that deep within you lurks a pool longingness and of rage, that you jump for every chance of love, not knowing what awaits at you. This continous cycle left you spoiled and sored. I allowed your sickness flow through my consciousness and let you control me. Because of that, we sought love, but not in our ideal way.

We sought love selfishly, for our own satisfaction and joy. And for that we got nothing in return. Following that everything we built carefully and with innocence came tumbling down in our very own eyes. The good friends, the tangible and bright future and our strong yet humble dignity. We can't even look at the simplest joys of life with the same enthusiasm anymore. It's because we felt how good loving somebody is, even though it's just a mirage, just a mere hint of what we truly seek.

Our concept of true happiness was stolen from us. We can't stand on our own feet and say that our happiness is never defined by whether or not we have someone beside us. That banner had long been torn and surrendered. Everything not related to intimacy just pass in front of our eyes, even the things that fulfill our beings before. Everything, is falling into pieces that I'm having a hard time judging which to save or catch.

I wish I never put myself out there for the sake of 'trying new things'. We've always been happy, you and I, until we got bored of our routine and dared to be somebody else.

I realized, my dear friend, that I've been weak a body for you. I have to pick up the pieces and be the body and the person we both want to be. And it all begins now. I do not promise to you that I'm not going to fall in love again. We both know now how it feels. But I promise you that we won't be slaves of love anymore. We will not crave and be a glutton of its light, no matter how immense it is. We will stay composed and guarded, all the while seeking love and maintaining our beliefs, as your wounds heal.

Your Body

Jerome