Brix: Don't worry, I'll find you one.
Jerome: What exactly do you mean by the word 'one'?
Brix: I'll find you a guy.
Jerome: Why, can't you be that guy? Hehe. Just suggesting. . .
Brix: Me? I can't be your guy. Ayoko ng commitment eh.
I was watching over my baby nephew this day. The boy was just learning how to walk, so I have to guide him as I make my way occasionally to either fix him a bottle of milk or change his diapers. I thought of seeing how far he is from completely learning how to walk, so I tried letting him go. Just as I thought that he was doing well, after a few steps, he fell flat on his butt. I gasped loudly and he ended up glancing over me, smiling as if he wasn't hurt at all. I stared at him for a long time, and for all the things that I would have felt, all I experienced was a sincere pity for myself.
I wish everything that you have to learn in this world can be as simple as walking. Sure that bruises are inevitable, but there is a definite assurance that you'll get over it and move on. And I wish I have the same fighting spirit just like my nephew. I wish that for every stumble that I do, I'd have the guts to look at the people around me and smile, even if it's for the sake of saving my pride. That's been the case for the past years. Now's different.
The thing is that it's kinda rare for me to really like a person, much more do something about it. True that I have tons and tons of crushes, but I wouldn't even flinch even if they come face to face with me. This rarity took a whole new meaning. I really, really liked the guy. I remember the last time I fell hard on a guy. I suddenly realized that I'm being foolish, so what I did was to confront my inner demons and within a week, I was triumphant of completely erasing the memory of the guy. I recently just came to the same realizations, the thought of being foolish, so I decided to end it. But the same cannot be said with how I'm doing now.
I was so relief with the introspection that I'm not broken hearted. But now I wish I was. I wish the guy ripped heart and stepped on it. Sana binaboy niya. So much na wala nang matitira sa akin, but the promise of vengeance. Para naman may reason ako para magmove-on. But now, how can I even think of getting to a better place when the guy left my life the way it was before?
Now I'm just sad. That's not reason enough to pick yourself and move forward. I don't know what to do.
Hay sabi ni Henzen wag daw akong magpaka-emo. Bata pa daw kami at marami pang dadating sa buhay namin. I don't want to be too much of a drama queen, but what if the right person just passed me by?
I can't blame myself for this. I tried. I offered myself completely to his feet, that now it kills me with the knowledge that I wasn't anything to him. Wala. I'm just one of those people who took an interest with him and those that he managed to shove away.
But move forward it is. I can't dwell on something that I can't have. Nor can I fill myself with false hopes with it. I have to leave something for myself, even if that is the sin of pride.
This is so saddening, moving forward even if you know that you don't want to. I hope I'd get over it by testing the waters. . .
XOXO
Jerome
No comments:
Post a Comment