Why Am I Sad?

Funny for one would think that with that title, I’ll be posting bulleted reasons on why I’m cheerless. But it’s the exact opposite thing; I’m so clueless on why I can’t end up my day with positive recollections.

With the growing family that I have, quality friendships that I treasure and the good future that I try to reach with the efforts that I put up at present, I still can’t figure why it’s so hard to lie on my bed at night and smile. Instead I sleep with this hope that tomorrow something great will happen that would finally put colours to my monotonous life. Something cool, something awesome; anything at all that would make me say that my life is not wasting away.

Back when I was in first year college, my happiness means going to school prepared, getting high scores in quizzes, being exempted, awing my professors with my ideas and walking home knowing that I save some money doing so. I managed to be positive with everything back then. But now, doing these things just tires me. I mean, why prepare for school when the people around you get by with cheating and writing notes on their desks? Why put up with preparing for recitations when it only amounts to 5% of your grade? And why walk home and think about the little amount of money you’ll save, when you get to spend much with projects, food, clothes and vices?

I remember my high school life in the province. Being in a public school, my days would be spent listening to lectures, making the most of our recess, cleaning our rooms and later on spending what remains of the day eating fishballs with my classmates. When I get home, I’ll turn on my TV or play playstation until my eyes get teary and the need to sleep calls me in. That’s how I was for six consecutive years. I was happy, if not contented, with that kind of life. Now, I can’t believe that I didn’t lose my head during that time. I truly lost my innocence by being here in Manila.

It seems like I lost my love for everything that I’m doing. It’s an effort to pull myself out of bed and make my way to school. It’s an effort to even think of other places to eat other than the one found at the back of Manila Plaza. It’s an effort to say hi to a former classmate of mine. It’s an effort to get a copy of lecture handouts so that you’ll be prepared for the quizzes. Everything requires efforts.

Though companions and little chats still make my day, I just don’t feel complete with these things alone. The things that made me happy the past weeks are when I bought a JanSport bag, I had my cellphone Gmasked, I shopped for clothes, I watched a movie, had a chat with my best friend , partied at Manor and when the LAMP issue which I contributed to finally came out. And I realize that as I get used to them, the happiness that I felt before fades away.

I would love to mention the recent work of my very talented editor, Wende Dancel. She wrote this editorial column entitled “Happiness Found”. In it, she went on emphasizing that we should invest our happiness in things that will not be lost, things that are permanent. I take it that she’s referring to friendships, family and future. But how can I do that? The true friends that I have are back in Bicol. I don’t get to be with my close friends in FEU everyday either. My family? Both of my parents are in Japan while I can’t focus on improving my relationships with my siblings because by the time I get home, I’ll be too tired and sleepy to even mind them. And the future. How can I feel passionate in realizing it given that as I delve in deeper to my course, the more I feel detached to it? How can I put efforts in something that I do not love?

I have to be happy. It’s the only way that anyone can get through with life. So I wrote this list on what I have to do so that I can see to it that that need will be fulfilled.

FAMILY

1. I’m going to log-in everyday at YM so that I’ll get to talk with my father all the time.

2. I’ll see to it that twice a week, I’ll be making calls to my Lola back in Bicol.

3. I’m going to spend at least an hour taking care of my nephews and nieces and talking to my sister whenever I get home.

4. I’ll help my sister with the housework and laundry.

FRIENDS

1. I’ll make sure that I’ll be texting each and every one of them at least once a day.

2. I’ll be very active in YM so that I’ll get to be updated with the happenings in their lives.

3. I’ll be sensitive with their feelings and helpful with their needs.

4. I’ll quite being the backstabbing whore that I am.

FUTURE

1. I’m gonna start studying for the Board Exam this summer.

2. I’ll spare no efforts in making this year’s LAMP issues the best the IN will ever see.

3. I’m going to start reading my Anatomy, Med-Surgical, Pharmacology and Nursing Research books.

4. I’m gonna study, study, study, study.

Myself

1. I’m going to lose weight

2. I’m turning my room into a home that is both inspiring and motivating

3. I will seek different ways of improving myself. (like learning other languages and philiosophies)

4. I’m going to be motivated, and will not lose it.

I just hope that I can commit. Anybody at all, help me. :-)