I'm not that kind of gay. . .

Hahaha! I can't help but feel pity on this guy my friend Junie introduced to me. Well, partly introduced to me. She gave the guy my number and for the past week we've been texting. I wasn't really that serious with him for I'm still sad and everything but what the heck. Kailangan ko ng libido sa buhay ko kaya gumora ako sa kaniya.

He was kinda nice at first, telling me how he balances studying and working at a call center, but things got a little bit smoky and fishy. I really heightened my expectations with the guy because he's teasing and making me chase after him. Sabi ko tuloy baka papable talaga kaya ganun. So I asked him his friendster account after I gave him my multiply url. And he wouldn't hand it over! I asked for him the second time but he stopped replying.

So I just focused on what we initially planned; a date. He asked me to go out with him at this Palawan Bar in Cubao, and I was so excited. Parang eyeball na rin. Langya dalwang taon nang di kumukulo ang mga lamang loob ko so go! Sabi ko nga the mango is overriped for the picking. Lamog na lamog na. Baka wala nang pumitas. Nyahahaha.

But he suddenly asked me kung pwede muna ba daw ko siyang pahiramin ng pera. Ew. That's the fastest lane to my trash bin. Gosh guys and biolas are so predictable. I hate them. They just can't help feeling that they are so rare and special in my world that they think people like me would jump at any chance of being with them. Argh.

I'm planning on still seeing the guy. Ayun naman ay pag nagkapera na siya. Hahaha. I wanted to see if he walks like he talks on text. And I would like him to see me. So that he'll know who's he dealing with. Baka siya pa ang pagbayarin ko. Nyahaha. May ganun!

XOXO

Jerome

The Second Closet

Before I begin, I would love to first quote this song of Kylie, for it practically summarizes all the ideas and perceptions that I'm about to enclose in this writing.

"I'm clearing this house of the joy that I borrowed from back in the day. I threw away my old clothes, got myself a better wardrobe and I've got something to say. I'm through with the past and there ain't no point in looking back. The future will be. And did I forget to mention that I found a new direction? It leads back to me. . ."

"The mistakes that I've made have given me the strentgh, to really believe that no matter how I take it there's no way I'm gonna fake it, coz it's gotta be real. I've got nothing left to hide to hide, no reason left to fight, coz the truth's given me a new freedom inside. I'm getting rid of my desire. . ."

I would also like to express two notable lines from Lauryn Hill's classic song that never fails to make me shiver in fear. . .

"Beware the false motives of others. Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers. . ."

"It took me a little while to discover. Wolves in sheepcoats who pretend to be brothers. . ."

And as a reminder, my site and everything there is to it has always been about me, though I might mention the existence of other people.

I believe that there’s nothing sweeter in life than having the chance of being the captain of a body. Not only will you be able to grasp on the wonders of dear earth, you would also have the chance of standing beside billions and billions of people, and still come out as different.

No matter how you talk and what you speak of, how you dress and what you intend to show, how dark your skin is and what others think of it and how you were born and what you have become; all of this weaves into a single core that in every way is incomparable to that of the others; it’s the special and unique you.

I can only smile in satisfaction and sigh with great sense of accomplishment as I recount how I was just two years ago, and how I fought people and their beliefs to protect mine.

Being just a newbie sent out from the province to pursue life in a different light, I was scared that people won’t accept me for simply being the way I was, a gay person. So what I did was to let my stand in life be consumed by their collective perception. I became a robot that only functions according to how the society sees fit. I was forced back into the lonely and sad space in the closet that I thought I discarded permanently.

It’s funny recalling that the same element of society that made me believe that hiding and striving to change are the only way to be tolerated, is the same element that pressured me to accept myself as it is; the people.

If you would let yourself be vulnerable to their eyes, they would use your kindness as ammunition to make you believe that you’re unlovable, disgusting and worthless. It’s a deed too common to human beings. Their narrow perceptions lead them to believe that putting others down is the only way to elevate themselves.

So I relieved my grip and stood my ground. I swore that never will my life be defined by the also flawed and tainted beliefs of others. I came out of the closet again, and I realized that there really is no coming back, not after I break through it and see that life that is freed from shackles and chains is indeed breath-taking and beautiful. I became a deviant through the eyes of many, and a true and happy person to that of some. But I was never bothered by it.

I continued living my life the way it’s supposed to be lived since then. Then the light that for a long time has guided me started to become dim. The ecstasy that freedom has given me has started to wear off and make me feel alone and sad. Everything started to become familiar. I was in a closet again.

The last thing that I believed would do me harm is the one that lead me to the familiar place again; myself along with the constant need to exhibit and feel superior and dignified. Being already different, I thought that I was overly special that I refused to compromise to everything, especially to the thought of being with someone.

I could explain everything better with some references to my previous post.

“I'm selfish. Prideful. Your typical cold bitch. I wouldn't even lift a finger to please others. I, in any way, do not allow myself to show even a hint of whatever it is that I'm feeling towards a person. Whenever I let something slips off, I would end up cursing myself and feeling bad, ashamed. You might find it crazy but it is me in the raw. I'm full of shit. I look for the ideal man in everybody, ignoring that they're human, not some clay that you can mold into whatever idea of perfection you have in mind. That's given the fact that in the first place, I think I'm not even capable of reciprocating the same devotion that I seek.“

-from “I Fall for a Girl”-

“Love life? It's the least of my worries, that's if could even exert an effort to worry. Once was enough. I even promised to myself that I will never compromise and settle for a relationship. I would never lift a finger to please anyone. For as I always say, my happiness is never defined by whether or not I have someone beside me. That's why for years I've been single.”

“That's being hateful, I think. I'm contented with having a crush on someone. But to take it further? It freaks me out. I already made peace with the inevitable; I'll be alone for the rest of my life.”

-from “I’m a Cold Bitch”-

I made one promise to myself. I'll never compromise. For I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, than settle for something that, given my sexuality, is so fragile and elusive. I'll never commit to any relationship, if I can help it.

-from “Tomorrow Morning”-

“Every part of me is telling me to take the first move and talk to you. I'm sure it could have lead to one thing or another, but I can't allow that to happen. It's because I made peace with what inevitably will come to me, utter loneliness. I'm not that kind of gay who still believes that their gonna end up in somebody's waiting arms or their so-called knight in shining armor will come and save them from the wicked and unforgiving world they lurk in. I know that some if not many gays still live to see that happy ending fulfilled, but I know that I'm not one of them. That might sound stupid but I know wholeheartedly that it's true.”

-from “One Night in Dolce”

This has been me. My insides were made of true and stony dignity. I can’t help but laugh. I don’t know whether to be happy because I’m over with this chapter of my life, or be regretful because I’m not as strong as this version of Jerome anymore. I have changed in unimaginable magnitude in such short time because of the many realizations that had taken me in.

I read a book that said that dignity is something that people invented to make themselves look better. I realized that it rings true to me. People who are so dignified may disagree, but in the deepest chamber of their conscience, if they have it, they know it’s true. We exhibit how intelligent and untouchable we are because we know that by doing so, people will think highly of us and we’ll gain admiration. For if we would exhibit that we are reachable and relatable, we wouldn’t be noticed. That’s why people will go as far as they can to show others that they are far different than they already are.

This is the second closet that I burned on the full conviction that it hinders me from the person that I want to be. I am special; I don’t need to be a poser to prove that. Nor do I need the approval of others.

I’m happy that I’m back. I could feel the familiar experience of relief. I’m out of the closet again. I know that in the future I would be enclosed. But I would break each closets down with enthusiasm, knowing that at the end of the last closet awaits a person of great radiance and beauty; the ideal me.

XOXO

Jerome

How do I get better once I've had the best?

Brix: Don't worry, I'll find you one.

Jerome: What exactly do you mean by the word 'one'?

Brix: I'll find you a guy.

Jerome: Why, can't you be that guy? Hehe. Just suggesting. . .

Brix: Me? I can't be your guy. Ayoko ng commitment eh.

I was watching over my baby nephew this day. The boy was just learning how to walk, so I have to guide him as I make my way occasionally to either fix him a bottle of milk or change his diapers. I thought of seeing how far he is from completely learning how to walk, so I tried letting him go. Just as I thought that he was doing well, after a few steps, he fell flat on his butt. I gasped loudly and he ended up glancing over me, smiling as if he wasn't hurt at all. I stared at him for a long time, and for all the things that I would have felt, all I experienced was a sincere pity for myself.

I wish everything that you have to learn in this world can be as simple as walking. Sure that bruises are inevitable, but there is a definite assurance that you'll get over it and move on. And I wish I have the same fighting spirit just like my nephew. I wish that for every stumble that I do, I'd have the guts to look at the people around me and smile, even if it's for the sake of saving my pride. That's been the case for the past years. Now's different.

The thing is that it's kinda rare for me to really like a person, much more do something about it. True that I have tons and tons of crushes, but I wouldn't even flinch even if they come face to face with me. This rarity took a whole new meaning. I really, really liked the guy. I remember the last time I fell hard on a guy. I suddenly realized that I'm being foolish, so what I did was to confront my inner demons and within a week, I was triumphant of completely erasing the memory of the guy. I recently just came to the same realizations, the thought of being foolish, so I decided to end it. But the same cannot be said with how I'm doing now.

I was so relief with the introspection that I'm not broken hearted. But now I wish I was. I wish the guy ripped heart and stepped on it. Sana binaboy niya. So much na wala nang matitira sa akin, but the promise of vengeance. Para naman may reason ako para magmove-on. But now, how can I even think of getting to a better place when the guy left my life the way it was before?

Now I'm just sad. That's not reason enough to pick yourself and move forward. I don't know what to do.

Hay sabi ni Henzen wag daw akong magpaka-emo. Bata pa daw kami at marami pang dadating sa buhay namin. I don't want to be too much of a drama queen, but what if the right person just passed me by?

I can't blame myself for this. I tried. I offered myself completely to his feet, that now it kills me with the knowledge that I wasn't anything to him. Wala. I'm just one of those people who took an interest with him and those that he managed to shove away.

But move forward it is. I can't dwell on something that I can't have. Nor can I fill myself with false hopes with it. I have to leave something for myself, even if that is the sin of pride.

This is so saddening, moving forward even if you know that you don't want to. I hope I'd get over it by testing the waters. . .

XOXO

Jerome

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How I Survived the Catastrophe that Was Valentines

I’m beginning to think I’m growing backwards. Not physically though for my waistline says otherwise. It’s just that things that didn’t matter are starting to be important. Like this day that they call Valentine’s Day. Before I would secretly laugh when I see people carrying bouquet of roses or humungous teddy bears. For I find it really stupid how people suddenly get excited and romantic over a course of a day. But now that I’m 20 years old, I’m the one who’s desperate on making this Valentines memorable. I should be giving myself a hard BDSM tap on the back. I'm becomeing less and less mature.

I think the reason why I had this sudden interest is that I had been mooning over a person weeks before Valentines. To cut the effin nasty story short, it didn’t end the way I hoped it would. I was hoping on spending the day with the guy and I had these crazy plans on how I intend to celebrate heart’s day with him, that when I realized that it’s not happening I was in a serious crisis. Seriously! I told myself that there’s no way I’m gonna spend Valentines locked up in my room again watching DVD’s, reading novels or roaming the mall on my own. So I worked my butt off and planned to see myself “among the crowd” this Valentine’s Day.

Now I decided to blog the account of everything that happened on the suddenly special day. I find everything that happened magical, though it only swayed my attention from the solitude that’s been depressing me for a while.

I woke up 4:30 in the morning of Valentine’s Day because of the punishing coldness inside St Rita’s room at Mary the Queen Maternity and General Hospital Foundation Incorporation. Who effin named that Hospital? Anygays I was in duty from 7 pm to 7 am. We’re supposed to be taking vital signs, charting our patients or assisting in a surgery but because the hospital was so benign, our cool C.I. told us to sleep, much to our delights.

Instead of fixing myself I went out of the room and slept on the table I found there. I came inside the room at 5:30 and found my groupmates buzzing around preparing to go home. I just came out of the bathroom when Leanne (the January Starty girl) approached me with this teddy bear, greeting me with a Happy Valentine’s Day. What I did is to act as if I’m about to punch the effin toy. I don’t want to see any of those stuffs! Hahaha. It makes me more insecure and sad.

There’s no reason for me to believe that Leanne was serious, until she took this letter made up of little hearts and gave it to me. The stuff toy was from my group mates. They bought me one because they knew I’m spending Valentines alone. I can’t help myself to get teary eyed even now that I’m typing this. I was plainly surprised, my cold heart melted. I was such in a negative field that morning because none of my friends have greeted me yet. I’m that serious on making the day special. Then my groupmates started that day in a way that I myself could not even think of nor ask for more. I read the letter and I was really genuinely touched. True that it all has the clichés like “everything has its time”, “huwag ka nang malungkot” and the stuffs but it meant so much to be reminded that everything will be okay. Haaaaay. I love my group mates.

I was in euphoria when our leader for the day Thomas came in and told us that we’re going to have a quiz. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. He’s a person of such great complications and inner conflicts. I’m intending to write a blog about him to celebrate his existence, but now I’m contented in recalling that the night before, we two had a dance showdown. He told us kasi that he was a member of a dance troop. Now may pagka barbera kasi ang mahadera so we talked him to proving it to us by competing with me. I wager that I can give you one of the most bizarre experiences of your life when you see that boy dance. We were supposed to be dancing “Single Ladies” but he totally morphed it to a different dance, and not in a good way. To sum up his dancing, I can say that I was reminded of a chicken when I saw him dance. No, an old chicken.

Now back to the quiz. Good thing that my groupmates also bought a teddy bear for our C.I. She immediately realized what we wanted in return so she decided on postponing the quiz. On our way home we stopped at this eatery and took our breakfast. I spent the rest of the trip listening to Adele. I’m so addicted to her tracks! I love “Right as Rain”, “Cold Shoulder”, “Make You Feel My Love”, at ang hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maget-over na song “Chasing Pavements”. I’m addicted to her as I was with Amy Winehouse. Mga songs na lang niya ang pinapatugtog ko sa itouch ko.

I came home around 10 and I decided to waste some time playing Jojo’s

Fashion Show. I was debating on whether to start reading “Horse Whisperer” or take a nap when my good friend Henzen texted me and said that the deadline for his work was extended. He’s a fellow member of mine from the Lamp. It’s kinda weird that I’m saying that given the fact that me finally being a member of our Institute’s publication hasn’t occurred to me yet. It’s still surreal, suddenly being surrounded by studious and intelligent people. Anygays, Henzen told me that he has no ‘dress’ for our night out.

It was inevitable that the main highlight for the day was to go clubbing. Grabe ang tagal ko nang hindi nakapagbar kaya ginamit ko talaga lahat ng koneksyon ko.

I decided to help Henzen find a look for our night-out. We met at SM Manila at 3 pm and immediately started browsing. We saw this nice shirt from F&H and I told him to try it on. Grabe ang daming magkakasamang lalake nung araw nay un. I don’t want to get too suspicious or anything, but what the hell are they doing shopping for clothes and helping each other try it on like what Henzen and I did? That didn’t come out right. Hahaha. People were actually looking at us because we’re so noisy. Whenever I come out of the fitting room I would be stared at. I’m like, hindi kami talo so cut it out.

After looking for clothes at other shops, Henzen decided on buying the shirt that we saw at F&H. We then chose to eat at Mcdo where Henzen shared to me ‘some’ secrets of his. Goshes iniwan mo na talaga ako Henzen. Next level ka na! Hahaha.

I went home at 6 and started preparing myself for the main event. I was told that I was included in the guest lists of two bars: Ascend and Embassy. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never been to bars like that. Mas at home ako sa Timog eh. And there I was helping a friend fix an attire when I haven’t decided yet on what to wear. After much thought, for this day is friggin special, I chose to wear a simple long sleeved shirt. I always go for simplicity. Hehehe.

I arrived at our meeting place in P. Campa at about 9 pm. I was waiting for my good friend Alma when I received her text saying that she’s in a taxi nearby, and that she can’t get out because she’s too embarrassed because of how she was dressed. And she has every right to feel so. Hahaha. Bonggang bongga talagang pang emba ang suot niya. We pulled in a cab and told the driver the direction to our former classmate Frances’ dorm. Goshes isa rin siya. Para kaming naghahanap ng away dahil sa mga damit namin.

After picking up Henzen along Pantranco, we headed to the main meeting

place along Quezon Avenue. I was told that our group will be around 33, to my surprise. I’m really not into meeting new friends and being surrounded with so many people that you just met, but I guess I can make an exception for that day. We spent almost two hours catching up with each other before we finally decided to set out for embassy.

Now here’s the big effin problem. In order for your free pass to be honoured, you must present a valid id that proves that you are the one in the guest list. My school id, my only id, was confiscated several months ago because of improper haircut. I was hoping that they would acknowledge my nameplate so I brought it with me.

When we arrived at Embassy I was totally in awe. Ang daming tao and they are all in their best look. We decided to go to Ascend first. I was relieved that the management considered my nameplate! The place was quite big and the lightings were good. And I love, love the music that they were playing. I would have loved to stay but my friends decided to go to embassy already.

I wasn’t allowed in. That’s all there is to it. It’s a shame because I really wanted to go there. They wouldn’t even allow me to just pay for the entrance instead because they really require an id. So what some of us did was to go back to Ascend to party. I was so grooving to the music that they were playing! I have no plans of going home drunk but I can’t help myself. I ordered three beers and it’s what took me to get my head fucked up. I was so dizzy and at the same time I can’t help myself from dancing. I keep bumping and apologizing to the people around me. Gosh I can’t even recall some of the things that happened there.

I was completely on high when Henzen suggested that we dump the place for Government. I unconsciously said yes and at 2 am we’re making our way to the number one LGBT club in the Philippines. I keep saying that, don’t I? It’s just that I admire the place and its people so much. People like me are always made feel welcomed. I was so looking forward for the next time I’d get the chance to be there, preferably sober so that I’ll make a composed impression. But I was so too drunk! I can’t even see clearly. I almost fell flat on my back when we were paying for the entrance fee. I entered the main room but I can barely see anything. Something in the stage caught my attention that I have to clear my eyes for a second look. And it was all good. Hahaha.

They hired four male models garbed as cupid! And yep, they’re shirtless. Henzen and I made our way closer to the stage where some of his friends were waiting. Gosh I was so drunk that I didn’t even feel embarrassed to just stand in front of the models and watch them dance. The next thing I knew I was being dragged by a stranger to the dance floor. And dance we did!

One thing I regret on coming to Goverment was coming drunk. Nagmukha tuloy akong pakawala. Someone was poking at me but I didn’t even bother to look. Pavirgin pa rin ako maski lasing, wala na akong magagawa dun. Hehehe.

It was around 4 am when Henzen and I decided to come home. We smiled at each other after having celebrated Valentines with such a blast, without the need of a lover.

It took me four pages to recount the events of this special day. I would have written more but I got tired. That’s ironic given the fact that I consider my life monotonous. But reading this post, seeing the people around me and their affection and all the simple joys of life that we often ignore because we are deprived of a special person, make me feel like hating myself. I’m afraid of being lonely, that’s true. But I didn’t even consider other options of avoiding that fate. I thought that the only way to be happy is through the loving arms of a lover. I didn’t know that all along, I was enthusiastic about my life.

And when that one person finally find me, he would find a strong person who, among other things, is happy.

It was Rihanna!!!

Oh my gosh! So that's why they didn't attend the Grammys! Rihanna was the girl who allegedly got a beatdown from Chris Brown! Nagrhyme pa hahaha!

Chris Brown was supposed to deliver a performance yesterday at the Grammys. But police reports said that they're holding him in custody for questioning. It was said that Chris Brown was turned in for beating a woman. Never in my wildest dream have I thought that it was Rihanna!

Reports said that the singer's injuries are "horrific". Sources said that Rihanna has two swelled up contusions on her forhead and that her lip is split. Not the effin forehead! Chris Brown should have left that alone! It was also said that Rihanna has bite marks all over her shoulder and fingertips. And that her nose is bloody messy. I'm about to weep! But I'm not a fan so I won't.

Gosh Chris and Rihanna looked so good together! Sayang talaga. . .

XOXO

Jerome

The 2009 Grammys + Winners

Grabe hindi talaga ako pumasok para lang mapanood ko siya. It was aired live at 9 am this morning and since I'm always waiting anticipating it every year I just can't pull myself away.

So far it's one of the better grammy awards show that I've seen. I find the performance line-up quite refreshing (I'm gonna be posting some of my favorite performances from the show later, if I find them in youtube). Jennifer Hudson returned with a very moving performance. Made me cry a bit. I'm not a fan of The Jonas Brothers but their performance with Stevie Wonder was surprisingly not annoying. And I love, love, love Justin Timberlake's duet with Al Green! With all the dance record that Justin's been releasing it's easy to forget that the guy has great, soulful vocals. I was really surprised with his performance. I also found myself singing along Coldplay as they rendered "Lost" and "Viva la Vida".

But of course, and that's because I'm bias, Adele's duet with Sugarland was one of my favorite along with that of Jennifer. She effin won the best new artist! I'm so happy for her. I would have preferred Duffy but her hold on the category is obviously strong, given the fact that her song "Chasing Pavements" (I can't get over this record! Adele's a genius!) is nominated as record and song of the year. She also won the best pop vocal performance for the same record.

Okay, majority of my bets didn't win. I kinda overlooked the powerhouse of Robert Plant and Alysson Krauss. They took home a total of five grammys, including 2 of the 4 most prestigous ones, Album of the Year and Record of the Year. But my bet Coldplay bagged the award for Song of the Year. I was wishing secretly that "Chasing Pavements" will win instead, but "Viva la Vida" is just too strong a contender.

Alicia Keys! Gosh why did I doubt her?! She won best r&b vocal performance for "Superwoman", winning against my bet, Jennifer Hudson for "Spotlight". My bet John Meyer also won the best male pop vocal performance for his record "Say". And I'm so happy for Duffy! True that she didn't take home the best new artist award, but she bagged the award for best pop vocal album!

I'm so happy for my idols! Especially for my britons, Adele and Duffy! I so can't wait for the next Grammys! Uhm that would be atleast 365 days from now. Huhuhu. . .

XOXO

Jerome

Winners:

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Raising Sand, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

RECORD OF THE YEAR
''Please Read The Letter,'' Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

SONG OF THE YEAR
''Viva La Vida,'' Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion & Chris Martin, songwriters

BEST ROCK ALBUM
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, Coldplay

BEST R&B ALBUM
Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson

BEST RAP ALBUM
Tha Carter III, Lil Wayne

BEST NEW ARTIST
Adele

BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
''Rich Woman,'' Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

BEST COUNTRY PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
''Stay,'' Sugarland

BEST MALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE

"Say", John Mayer

This list isn't complete. Here's the link if you want to see the complete list:

http://rockonthenet.com/archive/2009/grammys.htm

Get Me Outta Here

You know the saying, "Realizations come even if you think that you're in no need of it"? What, you're saying that there's no such thing? Well there should be! I don't care if it sounds stupid, uncreative and without the excruciating rhymes for it sounds true to me now. It'll definitely replace my most favorite quote, "God Knows Hudas Not Pay". Oh di ba bongga?

Now this post is my throwback to this genius classmate of mine, Leanne. I was kinda inspired by her "January Starty" post that I decided to make a similar post of my own. Every month she posts realizations about love and people. Nainggit ako kaya nakigaya na rin ako. I hope she doesn't mind though.

These are the things that I realized for the past two months. It's kinda hard to narrow it down to a single post. I had hinted some of them in my previous entries so if you have long leisure time reading my blogs you'd be able to read between the lines. Here goes effin nothing!

-LOVE-

1. I realized that I'm no cold bitch after all, nor a coward. Kaya ko palang ibigay ang sarili ko ng buong buo, so much that it leaves me vulnerable.

2. I have a very strict and strong personality, but I fall in love easily.

3. I could offer pala my delicate pride, dreams and hopes to a person's feet on a silver platter. That's weird because given how selfish I am, I couldn't even afford giving a piece of my silver platters, for it's too fragile. Okay I'm trying so hard to be poetic now I'm just plain stupid. Next!

4. I have the tendency to be obsessive when I fall for a person. Hehe. Kasi naman, it's not everyday that I find a person of the same interest and ideas. Finding that kind of person and feeling intimacy towards him is kinda rare for me, kaya I try my best not to let the guy out of my grasp. Untimong goodnight na quote na lang pinagiisipan ko pa talaga ng mabuti. Minsan naiisip ko bakit hindi na lang ako magkagusto sa isang hampas lupa that way hindi na ako mahihirapan. Joke!

5. I also realized that I am very particular with the intellectual and personal aspect of a person, but not with the gender. But that doesn't make me bisexual, okay? Hahaha. As I've said my preferences for a lover can almost touch the sky, so finding them in an actual person can get messy. I fall for a girl, because she has the very core of the guy that I'm looking for. Good thing that I got over it na. It took every muscle in me to repress what it was that I felt for her.

6. I now believe in soulmates, at naniniwala din ako na buhay pa ang aking soulmate at hindi pa siya nasagasaan, as I thought he might have been. I'm so excited to be with him. Hehehe.

7. Being unselfish is not the measure of true love. There will come a point that you would exhaust everything that you could hand freely, that continuing it will kill you. What's the sense of being unselfish if the first person na pagkakaitan mo ng love is yourself?

7. Lastly for the love sector, I realized that I deserve to be loved. My conviction to that is so full that it enlightens me. I thought I'm gonna get old alone, but that is changing. It's just that I'm in a wrong age group. What this age group generally wants is someone who they can be with for the sake of having a special someone and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm looking for a different thing and I'll be constantly waiting until that person whose willing to share that with me arrive. :-)

-LIFE-

1. I have two personalities that are now strangling one another to take over. Hehe. This might sound crazy so I beg you to level with me. They have resurfaced in my previous entries, if you haven't noticed. I write letters to them which are mostly in apologies for failing them.

One is named Adia. She is an ego of pristine and delicate pride and dignity. She's the one who always want high scores in quizzes, one who wants to be looked at with amazement and admiration and one who simply never cares as long as her true aspirations in life remain untouched. She's the one who has been inside of me for the longest time and the reason why I never want to settle for a relationship, unless of course that's true in nature for her.

Both of my egoes have flaws, and hers is that her pride is consuming her. Because she never wants to show even the hint of weakness, she has sent her host in solitude for a long time.

The other is Adelaide, the one that just awakened from her deep slumber not a month ago. She's the more friendly, compromising and fun person. She loves going to bars and meeting new people. And she's the one that sucked all the intimacy that Adia continues to deny. And there lies her tragedy.

Because Adia is the one taking me over most of the time, she rarely gets the slant of love. Her deprivation of this need is too damaging that she craves for even even just the hint of intimacy. And because of that she was hindered to see the truth that awaits her for she readily gives her trust and affection without the simple innate way of thinking.

2. This is my last realization: I'm not good at writing! And this realization has to happen now that I'm in the LAMP, the official publication of the Institute of Nursing. I think I said that I'm a writer from LAMP at least twenty times last night as I interviewed some people in FEU for my part in the article.

Nakakapanliit ang mga people sa org na yun. Puros pala sila mga pilot. Gosh. I was like, what am I doing here? Pinabilang ko nga sa aking friend na si Henzen yung pulse rate ko and it was like 110. Hahaha. Grabe kasi nakakahiya talaga.

Anygays I can't do anything about it anymore. Nangyari na. Hahaha. All I can do is to give them the commitment and cooperation that I promised. But I so wish to have an article under my name published! That would top all of my previous wet dreams! I'd kill for that!

XOXO

Jerome

I Come into Your Folds Again

To Adia

I was wrong to have left you astray, unnourished, and unappreciated. I forgot, because of my lapse judgement, that it had always been you and me, and even if its like that, I had always been happy. I always had looked and enjoyed at simplest joys of life. I never needed anyone else. For you were always there from the moment I leave my empty room to the time I find it empty again when I come home.

I realized that I delve into the greatest complication in life, something that we both knew we had to avoid, but because of my desire to change and try something, I didn't even perceive its potential toll on me. I was so happy at first with Adelaide, but we both knew that we're heading somewhere hopeless and uncharted. We knew so little, but that didn't even scared us, in fact, it made us curious. It made us yearn for the peculiar warmth that we didn't even hold back in pursuing it. We thought we could continue doing it happily.

But we were completely devoured by our lust for it. We grow inhuman as we continously bathe in its light and glory. I grow worrisome and ugly by the day, that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It was the same thing we experienced with the coming of that gypsy, we grew selfish and hungry.

I forgot to appreciate my life as it is. I allowed myself to let a person be the center of my world. Which was something you knew was disastrous, for above anyone else, you're the one who lived in me the longest. You know ever inch of me, all of my hopes and dreams. And you know of my selfishness. I hear your laugh as I fight this trait of mine and try to convince myself that I could give myself without wanting something in return. You knew it was impossible. But I wanted to prove you wrong, I wouldn't want that kind of life for myself. I don't want to be self-centered. I don't want to be alone.

Yet you proved me wrong again. For as I once yearn for Adelaide, I know yearn for you. I wanted to have the endless sea of pride and dignity come rushing through me again. I so long to ravel on it. I wanted to be the same old lone wolf that I was, that I will always be. I longed to listen to our song, the one that reminds us that we should learn to be our one companion. That we should never dram that out in the world there are arms to hold us. Though I shiver at the thought, your mere presence makes things seem right.

I cannot promise you anything. Adelaide will be in a deep slumber but I know she would be awaken again. I'll never put an end to that possibility, knowing her now. But we will be happy, this I promise you, for a very long time.

It's time to regain our dignity and pick up the pieces.

I now step forward. This is our battlecry.

From

Jerome