Why Am I Sad?

Funny for one would think that with that title, I’ll be posting bulleted reasons on why I’m cheerless. But it’s the exact opposite thing; I’m so clueless on why I can’t end up my day with positive recollections.

With the growing family that I have, quality friendships that I treasure and the good future that I try to reach with the efforts that I put up at present, I still can’t figure why it’s so hard to lie on my bed at night and smile. Instead I sleep with this hope that tomorrow something great will happen that would finally put colours to my monotonous life. Something cool, something awesome; anything at all that would make me say that my life is not wasting away.

Back when I was in first year college, my happiness means going to school prepared, getting high scores in quizzes, being exempted, awing my professors with my ideas and walking home knowing that I save some money doing so. I managed to be positive with everything back then. But now, doing these things just tires me. I mean, why prepare for school when the people around you get by with cheating and writing notes on their desks? Why put up with preparing for recitations when it only amounts to 5% of your grade? And why walk home and think about the little amount of money you’ll save, when you get to spend much with projects, food, clothes and vices?

I remember my high school life in the province. Being in a public school, my days would be spent listening to lectures, making the most of our recess, cleaning our rooms and later on spending what remains of the day eating fishballs with my classmates. When I get home, I’ll turn on my TV or play playstation until my eyes get teary and the need to sleep calls me in. That’s how I was for six consecutive years. I was happy, if not contented, with that kind of life. Now, I can’t believe that I didn’t lose my head during that time. I truly lost my innocence by being here in Manila.

It seems like I lost my love for everything that I’m doing. It’s an effort to pull myself out of bed and make my way to school. It’s an effort to even think of other places to eat other than the one found at the back of Manila Plaza. It’s an effort to say hi to a former classmate of mine. It’s an effort to get a copy of lecture handouts so that you’ll be prepared for the quizzes. Everything requires efforts.

Though companions and little chats still make my day, I just don’t feel complete with these things alone. The things that made me happy the past weeks are when I bought a JanSport bag, I had my cellphone Gmasked, I shopped for clothes, I watched a movie, had a chat with my best friend , partied at Manor and when the LAMP issue which I contributed to finally came out. And I realize that as I get used to them, the happiness that I felt before fades away.

I would love to mention the recent work of my very talented editor, Wende Dancel. She wrote this editorial column entitled “Happiness Found”. In it, she went on emphasizing that we should invest our happiness in things that will not be lost, things that are permanent. I take it that she’s referring to friendships, family and future. But how can I do that? The true friends that I have are back in Bicol. I don’t get to be with my close friends in FEU everyday either. My family? Both of my parents are in Japan while I can’t focus on improving my relationships with my siblings because by the time I get home, I’ll be too tired and sleepy to even mind them. And the future. How can I feel passionate in realizing it given that as I delve in deeper to my course, the more I feel detached to it? How can I put efforts in something that I do not love?

I have to be happy. It’s the only way that anyone can get through with life. So I wrote this list on what I have to do so that I can see to it that that need will be fulfilled.

FAMILY

1. I’m going to log-in everyday at YM so that I’ll get to talk with my father all the time.

2. I’ll see to it that twice a week, I’ll be making calls to my Lola back in Bicol.

3. I’m going to spend at least an hour taking care of my nephews and nieces and talking to my sister whenever I get home.

4. I’ll help my sister with the housework and laundry.

FRIENDS

1. I’ll make sure that I’ll be texting each and every one of them at least once a day.

2. I’ll be very active in YM so that I’ll get to be updated with the happenings in their lives.

3. I’ll be sensitive with their feelings and helpful with their needs.

4. I’ll quite being the backstabbing whore that I am.

FUTURE

1. I’m gonna start studying for the Board Exam this summer.

2. I’ll spare no efforts in making this year’s LAMP issues the best the IN will ever see.

3. I’m going to start reading my Anatomy, Med-Surgical, Pharmacology and Nursing Research books.

4. I’m gonna study, study, study, study.

Myself

1. I’m going to lose weight

2. I’m turning my room into a home that is both inspiring and motivating

3. I will seek different ways of improving myself. (like learning other languages and philiosophies)

4. I’m going to be motivated, and will not lose it.

I just hope that I can commit. Anybody at all, help me. :-)

My LAMP Debut

All I can say is that I'm happy, very happy indeed that a feasible proof that I'm oficially a writer of our Institute had finally surfaced. For the mere thought of being in LAMP is too much for my small brain to comprehend. I need visual stimulations to convince me.

Anyway I'm just glad that it finally came out. I was worried that I'll never get my hands on it. The 2nd issue of LAMP for school year 2008-09 was distributed the same time our grade slips were handed out. And I'm proud to say that I'm one of the moving force behind it. When I say moving, I mean literally moving boxes that contain 400 copies of the issue on my shoulder from room to room.

Gosh I remember being so exhausted that day that I decided to just bail out in helping my peers (wow peers talaga. kafal!) .I was so hungry and bathing on my own sweat, not to mention that I have no one to talk to. It's just that the people there can be a bit intimidating, especially the 4th year edboards. I just decided to focus on my work like they never existed.

I was fortunate enough to be entrusted in writing two articles. The first one was about how students from other Institutes perceive nursing students. It was very fulfilling. I feel like a true journalist as I approach students to interview them. True that in the end product I'm sharing the spotlight(I'm getting cocky na) with three other writers, but they used my introduction and conclusion. Fair enough. Hehehe.

The second one was about the Victometer. Now it wasn't actually assigned to me. It's just that this writer ended up making a feature instead of a news article for the headline, so one of the editors decided to hand it over to another staff. And that's where I came in. Hehehe. Super papogi points ako sa mga edboards. It's just that given the fact that I'm a newbie, I felt this need to show my commitment. After all, I was accepted to the organization the easiest way possible. I need to prove that in a way I was worth it.

Everything was going fine the day the issue was distributed when I was texted that there was a grave error about the Victometer article. I was in cloud 9 at that time and it just made my whole world turn upside down. The goal of Batch 09 is placing 3 student in the top five, 5 student in the top 10 and a 90% poassing rate. I overlooked it and typed one student in the top 3 instead. How could I have been so stupid? Gosh I hate myself for fucking over my first task! I hate it that I have to learn this lesson the hard way.

Anygays there's no reason to belittle all of my good efforts just because of one mistake. All I can say is that I'm so delighted for the opportunity that I got. I'm getting my articles framed, ganun ako nabaliw nung nakita ko siya. Hehehe. Seriously, I'm getting it framed because there's this huge possibility that I'm gonna leave the organization.

It depends on whether or not I'll prove worthy of being one of the editorial boards. As much as how I love any form of writing, I had always dreamed of having my own editorial column. I don't actually like writing news for it so limit it's writers. I wanted to be able to express my opinion and beliefs openly. I would kill to see that happen. I think it's the reason why I joined LAMP in the first place. I don't think I can learn and grow if I'm just gonna be a senior writer. Saka I don't have friends there. I need to be in a position where hindi ako kukuyugin. Hehehe.

But I think it's impossible. All the odds are working against me. Even if I get a high score in the exam that the edboards are gonna give us, the question of me deserving a spot is still there. I'm a newbie, no background experience in writing ( and that's because Ive only been passionate in writing since second year), does not or did not belong to a pilot class (for they're keen in asking us who belongs or belonged to a pilot class before. hmmm), have no friends (except for Henzen. love you!), and I committed a mistake on my first task! Add to that the adviser of LAMP have not seen me yet. And I bet that the first thing he would say to me when we finally meet is how pity it is for a new member like me to make a mess out of a headline news! I wanna hide na.

I would have just go on and quit LAMP like any sane person would do, but I decided against it. I'm no quitter. I might as well throw myself before a moving LRT like what that girl on TV did than turn my back on an opportunity just because there's a less possibility of winning.

Good luck sa akin. I just hope that I'll end up being in the LAMP. I'm really starting to like it there.

XOXO

Jerome

Wrapping Up the Semester

I might as well cut myself for writing that for a title, for narrowing down everything that happened this past five months is no joke. It's ironic that I felt as though this semester went fast given the fact that so many things have happened. I've said it over a million times already but so many realizations have taken me in. I sure hope that inspirations and new people keep on coming.

I feel like I'm growing fast, though the same thing can't be said with my thinning hair. I hate it! Why of all the attributes that would inherit from my father (love you!), it has to be the friggin hair? I would love to not buy gatsby (and that stands for Gatz and Abby, our new classroom hot couple according to my classmates) just to fix the mess that's sitting on top of my head. Any suggestions guys?

Okay I'll stop fooling around. Time to get way serious for I have to commit for this post for I know it's gonna take me sometime to finish it. I wouldn't want to actually take that long here in the internet cafe (having an internet connection is the only wish from my last years' birthday wishlist that's not yet fulfilled. I badly need it!) for I'm gonna end up paying more. I don't want that now since the days of slothing is over and my allowance is officially cut-off, do I?

Anygays here is it. I decided to number all the happenings this past semester. Now don't be mislead, they're not actually that great and memorable. It's just that my way of writing makes them so. Hehehe. . .

1. I Became a Member of LAMP, our Institute's Official Publication

I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? I was so happy that I was able to actually pull it off. Not that it's hard though. What I'm amazed at is that I actually gave a damn and committed to it. All they asked me to do was to go see all the six editors of LAMP and make them sign my application, a task that all of the editors made easy for me too. I'm probably the last person who would want to be a staffer the easiest way, but what can I do? I was anticipating for them to ask me write an essay but instead they gave me a task that made me wonder if I'm applying for a spot in a reality show.

I realized that I loved being surrounded by intelligent and hardworking people, for they make me feel that I belong. Hahaha! I was kidding. But then seriously, I think I'm gonna learn a lot from this organization, given the fact that the writers are all good. I really hope that I can contribute and help them in anyway.

2. I Laid my Hands on My New iTouch

I sometimes do have the tendency to be materialistic, and for that I apologize. Hahaha! I remember being told that single people tends to be techie. Not that I have a lot of gadgets, but I find it a hobby to be updated with the latest cellphones, mp4 players and video games and platforms. Looking at these gadgets in the magazines and websites makes me happy and makes me forget that I'm single indeed. Hehehe. And occasionally, looking hard and wishing hard on the pictures of these gadgets help on eventually laying my hands on them. This rings true with my 16 GB iTouch!

It was given to me last December 27 when my parents came home from Japan. During that time I still can't get over the fact that the ipod video that I have nourished so well was taken from me during that fateful day in Lawton. So for every call my parents made, I always made a point of hinting them how great this gadget is. And it actually paid off! This gadget is the single reason why I'm riding the LRT on my way to school and back home. I just can't risk it being stolen at gunpoint.

3. I was Assigned to a New Section, and a New Group

I miss being with my previous section last summer and it has nothing to do with me being the mayor, wait, it has something to do with me being the mayor. I just miss being the one people lean in to and the one who organize them. And heck, I feel proud, very proud indeed whenever I recall that section of mine. We were never that kind of students who would boo at our classmates, backstab our teachers, go outcasting others and more importantly, cheat. The person who cheated in my class even ended up facing one of the coordinators. We were that disciplined, and I effin miss it.

Now, I'm posting about my current section, am I? Hmmm. I really don't have to say anything. What I can say is that they are indeed smarter and wittier than my previous section, but that's it. I didn't have the time to actually get to know them. I practically don't even know some of them, even by name. The reshuffling didn't end up in my favor, so I'm now seeking greener pastures, if you know what I mean.

But I can say the exact opposite with my groupmates. I love them. I actually hope that everday is duty day so that we are the only one who would interact with each other. I prepared a message for them in case I get transferred to a new section the way I planned.

Josh: Our tough and smart leader. All I can say to you is learn how to control your emotions, for it sometimes take over you and turn you into whole different person.

Leanne: The January Starty girl! Hehehe! I would definitely miss you, that's if I have my way of transferring to a new section this coming summer. I have to grow, and I know you understand that. Thank you for being such a great and energetic influence.

Badeth: Gosh Badz, super nakatipid ako ngayong semester na to sa araw araw nating pagdayo sa likod ng Manila Plaza. I would definitely miss that. Good luck at maraming salamat sa pagiging tunay na kaibigan.

Kim: Kim! I wish you all the happiness! Gosh ang tagal niyo na ni Harold. I hope that you'd continue being happy with him.

Thomas: Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. All I can say to this person is he has to come out, for his closet reeks of his gayness. I wish I could help the guy, but his reason for keeping his sexuality to himself is inconsistent and invalid. Good luck sa kaniya.

Irish: Our super reliable groupmate. You have to give her props for being punctual and helpful.

Rommel: I just hope that he starts buying himself some food instead of asking for it. Hehehe.

Sara: Partner! Pasensya ka na kung nasigawan kita nung last rotation. Hehehe. I enjoyed being your partner.

Lowell: I really don't have anything to say to this guy, for he surely keeps things to himself.

Abby: To quote Leanne, "Mamamatay ka rin,". Hehehe. Joke lang seatmate! But you have to stop taking pictures of people while they're asleep!

Joy: Salamat sa pagpapahiram mo lagi sa amin ng nailcutter. Hehehe. I hope you continue being the way you are.

4. I Fell In Love

And not once, but twice! I realized that several of my previous posts were about them, and I have to stop. I'm sick, and when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of talking about them so they're definitely out of my life. But no trace of bitterness, no room for that. I am happy with all the happiness as well as the fugliness that they had brought in my life, and I'll never have it any other way. I wish them all the best.

5. I Received My Lowest GWA

Note how I used the word received. It's because it felt as though I didn't even worked hard this semester, as if this grade just fell into my lap. FEU, with all the slacking and incompetent professors that they have, dissappointed me big time. I was looking forward for serious and strict lecturers and what I got is a bunch of people who can't even exert an effort to make their voice sound less like a sleeping pill. Some of them don't even come to our class and one uses his handouts to gain money. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!

I seriously need to perk things up. And to do this I have to transfer to a new section, preferrably one which no one knows me so I'd end up being a loner. That way I will have no choice but to study.

I will definitely work like there's no tomorrow this semester. I just hope that the coordinators will grant my request.

XOXO

Jerome

-Repost- Dora the Explorer's New Look

Rojo Rojo! Did I spell that right? I'm seriously not a fan, I mean come on. I can almost pull my already thinning hair off my scalp whenever my nephew would insist on changing channels to watch this stuff. But I find Dora cute for she's so, so gay! I'm having this hitch that this nephew of mine is 'the chosen one' in his generation, as I was in mine for he would rant and sing along with Dora whenever she's on.

I'm so surprised when I saw this new image of her! Talk about a major makeover! Unfortunately some people are upset. Here's the entire article from dlisted.com.

Break a Leg:

DORA THE SEXPLORER

"Dora the Explorer got a hold of some illegal Fen-phen, lost a little baby chunk, got some extensions and moved to the big city to pursue her dreams of being the biggest prostitot in the game. Mattel and Nickelodeon released this teaser image of what the new Dora is going to look like. The new whory Dora will make her big debut in the fall. I'm sure her new implants would have healed by then.

The pimps of Dora said they gave her a newer tween look, so that she can grow up with her preschool fans. One of her pimps at Mattel told the NYDN, "Girls really identify with Dora and we knew that girls would love to have their friend Dora grow up with them, and experience the new things that they were going through themselves."

Dora's new foray into skankdom has parents all fucking mad. They think Dora should stay young and innocent, because that's why girls like her ass. One parent said, "If the Dora we knew grew up, she wouldn't be a fashion icon or a shopaholic. She'd develop her map reading skills and imagine the places she could go. It's such a sell out of Dora, of all girls."

I say, whatever to Dora growing up, but she should really go see a doctor. She might have some kind of mutant growth disease, because bitch's head takes up half her body! This is some Elephant Man shit. How is Dora supposed to work the ho stroll if her big ass head keeps causing her to topple over?"

OLD DORA, NEW DORA

"When Mattel announced that they would be giving Dora the Explorer a tween makeover, mobs of parents got crazy assuming they were going to turn her into a ho fo sho. The new Dora wasn't supposed to be unveiled until the fall, but because of all the screamery Mattel released a picture of the all-new Dora.

The new Dora doesn't look like she's ready for the pole yet, but homegirl did pay a visit to the plastic surgeon's office. Bitch got a nose job, lip injections, extensions and highlights. Mattel said the tween Dora isn't wearing make-up, but that shit is full of lies. Dora's got herself some fake eyelashes and lip gloss. Also, her eyes are all sparkly. Is this bitch already on the drugs? I'm thinking E. Those glittery eyes are just begging for a glowstick light show!

How long before tween Dora's slutty MySpace pictures leak?"

I don't know about you guys but I'm loooooving her new look.

XOXO

Jerome

-Repost- Beyonce's Fans Are Dumb

And I'm not ranting, okay? We're talking about a recent research here. I was browsing dlisted.com when I saw this link saying that Beyonce's fans are indeed not-so intelligent. I was actually surprised when I learned that the research was done by a Ph.D student in America.

Break a leg:

Fans of Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z also ranked poorly in terms of IQ and lovers of rapper Lil' Wayne were deemed least intelligent.

The study was carried out by Virgil Griffiths, a PhD student in America, who compared students' scores in SAT exams with their favourite music acts and genres by analysing data on social networking sites.

Those who prefer indie music are most intelligent, while pop, rock and gospel fans were all ranked at the lower end of the scale.

Fans of legendary acts like Queen, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Frank Sinatra and Bob Marley are all around average and above when it comes to intelligence, according to Griffiths.

Radiohead, U2 and Bob Dylan all have intelligent fans, he said.

Fans of Beyonce, Timberlake and Jay-Z all tended to score below 1,000 on SAT scores, with the average being a mark of 1071 out of 1600.

Fans of Beethoven were way ahead of the rest with an average score of over 1300.

On his website, musicthatmakesyoudumb, Griffith describes the results of his study as "hilarity incarnate".

He introduces the test by saying: "I've listened to artists who after listening to I thought to myself 'Wow... loving this rubbish says a lot about someone and how much they got going on in their head'. Could one's musical tastes say something about intelligence?"

Not that I'm suggesting anything,but I'm a fan of indie music and The Queen. Hahaha. My best friend is perhaps her number one fan so I hope she won't get offended. She isn't dumb after all. Hehehe. Love you Net!

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

Now that we're talking about research and stuffs, I'm so happy to note that we've got a grade of 83 for our research proposal! I'm so happy! Ahihihihi! Para akong nabunutan ng tinik!

I Wish You Well. I Hope You Survive.

But I do hope you'll rot in hell after. This is the last time that I'm going to address your existence and all the fuckery that you've put me through. After this, I'm going to revel on this world that, as I now sincerely promise, will be devoid of the likes of you.

You and the rest of the cunts can join hand in hand in making others suffer because of your lies and backstabbing. Hahaha. I pity the fools who still believe in you. But I find great relief and satisfaction with the knowledge that one way or another, they'll see your colors too.

That they'll see you for who you are beneath the fake, embellished veil that you continue to parade. That they'll see through the innocent smile and witty attitude that hinders them from laying their eyes on your true nature.

I hate you. Gosh hindi ako makapaniwala that I could hate a person this much. I should give myself a tap on the back. I finally got to meet a disgusting creature like you who deserve all the hatred that I've held back for years.

Goodbye

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

That felt so effin good!

Whew! I'm glad that I was able to let that out!

At Dahil Diyan, Close na Tayo?

Ahahahaha! Lolz. . .

What did i do?

The lies, conniving and ridiculing, I tell you all, I didn't deserve that.

Shet talaga.

When Hardwork Don't Pay Off and I'm Tired. . .

Bad, bad things are bound to happen. It's funny because you can give up a part of you for the sake of making things run smoothly and yet you'll end up being fucked behind.

People, people, people. Why are they all conniving to make me hate every living thing in this damned earth?! What have I done to deserve this shit? I've never stepped on anybody, taken advantage of them, bully them or lie to them and then this?!

It's so hard. I'm cracking under pressure and my emotions are getting the best of me. I've tried so, so hard to be tolerable and reliable to people but what do I effin get? It's not sunny every day of the fucking week, I know that. But this crisis is going too far. Papatay na ako ng tao.

What is so wrong with me that people would actually not choose to see me in a better light? What have I fucking done to not deserve the truth? What is so wrong with choosing to create bridges rather than destroying them? What is so wrong with being honest with myself? What is so wrong with wanting for more?

What is so wrong with me? What is so wrong in trusting me? What is so wrong in being with me? What is so wrong in telling me the truth? What is so wrong with loving me?

I don't deserve this. Wala akong ginawang masama maski kanino. Someone tell me kung meron. Naiiyak na ako.

Why would people choose to belittle my worth? I feel so worthless and unappreciated.

Grabe. They can go on. Lalamig din ang puso ko sa kanila.

XOXO

Jerome

This used to be a funhouse. But now it's filled with evil clowns.

"It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down."

I'll dance around this empty house, throw us down, throw you out.

You're once a tickle, now you're a rash.

I've called the movers
Called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble tumble house of cards

Let's burn this fucker down.

*That was a sudden surge of psychosis. hehehe. The song is from Pink. I'll decipher it later!

Hahaha!

Anong Nagyayari sa Earth?!

Sana buhay pa ako after this week. Im so exhausted na talaga. The only good thing that happened is that we were finally, and I mean finally assigned to FEU Hospital. I've been looking forward to seeing the hospital since I've heard about it.

The hospital, so far, is the most sophiosticated clinical area I've been assigned to. Hindi naman siya ganun kasosyal, but given the fact that it offers services like CT Scan and MRI, pwede na rin. Not to mention na may Starbucks pa sa loob. Hehehe.

And I can't even begin to understand why they have tons of hot male students! I even doubted if I enrolled at the right branch of FEU. Kaya lang mga malalansa din, which pabor naman sa akin. Infected din sila ng Helicobakler Pylori. At ang lalandi pa!

I haven't been able to blog for the past three days for I've been living the life of luxury. Hahaha. My favorite classmate Thomas talked his uncle into allowing us to stay in his home. Since the hospital is in Fairview and our dismissal is around 11 pm, it would be impractical, if not dangerous, if we would ride for home every night. I wasn't actually sure about it for I abhor sleepovers, but I was kinda intigued by my classmates' side comments that the house was beautiful. May swimming pool at jacuzzi pa daw. So go ako! Hahaha!

And the house actually didn't dissappoint. (I'll be posting some pictures next week) Our group stayed in the masters' bedroom and I rushed in to the queen-sized be right away. We would cook our food in the evening, wake up early to prepare breakfast, swim in the pool, eat lunch and go to FEU hospital for Starbucks. Life is beautiful.

That is, if you're retarded and totally safe from the excruciating bites of reality. Grabe define toxic ang week na to. Our group was so confident that we'll be heading to our defense next week for our research, but the ever perfect and demanding professor of ours had the effin guts to reject our proposal! With one week before the end of class! Bibingo na siya sa amin! First she wouldn't attend our class, then she gave our unit exams without covering the entire syllabus in her discussions and now this! Argh! Grabe I'll strive in any way na hindi ako matulad sa kaniya! Kaloka!

At ang Parma. Wow. Ang saya ng prof namin, sumusweldo na siya kumikita pa sa sideline niya! He would come to class along with his tons of handouts, telling us that it covers all of his discussions. Kami naman tong mga tamad we'd agree na magpaxerox. We totally spent Php80 for the friggin copy of the handouts. Buti man lang sana kung maayos magdiscuss. Parang elementary lang eh. Pinapabasa niya lang row by row! Nakakainis!

And the widely feared Revalida. Hmmm. Dito mejo okay pa me. Nadadaan naman siya sa aral weh. And so far my grades for the previous ones were okay. Parehong 79. Sana man lang makatikim ako ng line of 8 tomorrow.

I thought so. The endless merry-making and slothing will come and fuck me behind at the end. Now all has come to this scary week. Add to that na nawalan ako ng wallet kagabi, kaya poor ako ngayon dahil andun ang atm ko. I just hope na makasail through man lang ako. I want to got to bicol with a light heart and without guilt.

XOXO

Jerome