My Sanctuary

My 9 Favorite Things of 2009

2009-12-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

And then it's 2010. I have no plan of turning this post to one of those cliches where people tend to talk about how "so many things have happened" and how "memorable this year is". I'm trying to break the chain of turning my blog into such. It's actually one of the reasons why I don't blog often anymore. It seems to me that my posts are turning to gruelling repitions of my daily experience, which doesn't help at all in making me more appreciative of the various turns of my often times monotonous life.

It's not yet 2010, but I somewhat have the same agenda for the upcom ing year; it's to stop making my life the way I make my posts. I need to stop using cliches in my life. 2010 is not only a start of a new year, but also a start of a new decade. It's time to be more decisive, daring (it's funny that I mentioned daring for I literally run away when my classmates decided to ride the Space Shuttle at EK) and perhaps more philosophical and mature. Now I don't want to think so much about how I wanted my life to be at the end of the decade for fate always have a way of sneaking and pinching (sorry, I can't think of another word to substitute the F word) me behind. Fate proved to be very consistent in doing that, so I'll take whatever comes na lang.

I remember posting my "8 Favorite Things of 2008" last year. I don't know but I kinda liked that post. Not only do I get the chance to name my favorites, but I also get to reminisce on the moments and memories associated with them.

1. MOVIE

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This is the only movie that made me cry long after the credits rolled. It's one of those movies that will take you days to digest and excrete from your system. I've never been so shocked and so emotionally bombarded before. I was with Aurora when I watched this movie and it's quite embarassing that she gets to be the one who became concern and later on laugh at me for my reaction. Well, what can I say. It is what it is. It's simply the best movie drama that I've ever seen.

Runner Ups

Avatar - Watched this one when it premiered in cinemas. No wonder it took the director/producer 15 years to make this movie. It shows where the movie industry is now at when it comes to cinematography while delving into moral and social issues.

Inglourious Basterds - I'm not a fan of Brad Pitt, mind you. It's just that this flick is so reminiscent of Kill Bill which is my all-time favorite action movie. Well it was directed by the same person. But nevertheless, from the storyline to the acting part, this movie is stellar.

500 Days of Summer - I actually regret turning down Henzen's invitation to watch this movie in theatres. It's a breath of fresh air. This one stands as a great love story that didn't have to conform to the rather conventional and boring way of selling a romantic film. I love it.

Transformers 2 - I know, I know. What is to like with a bunch of castrated robots fighting? But I beg to differ. Though there are several flaws in the movie and the storyline, this is one of the few ones which made me clap my hand involuntarily when it finished. Say what you want with the stupid story, but you can't say anything to the special effects and cinematography.

2. GADGET

Sony Ericsson C905

I have every reason to feel guilty about having this phone. I practically stretched my limits as a son when I convinced my parents to buy me this one. But after a few months, I got the hang of it. I can actually make myself happy within 10 seconds by reminding myself that I have a phone that can access wi-fi and has an 8.1 megapixel camera. Life is good indeed with this at hand.

Runner Ups

iTouch - It's still in this list for it's only this year when I finally utilized its gaming function. I got my iTouch jailbreaked a few months ago and now I have around 50 games and applications.

Sony Ericsson SATIO - This beauty is here because I don't have it. It's actually on my birthday wishlist. I told myself that I can't push my parents and ask them for this, and I actually convinced myself not to. But you know what, I don't know how much long I can keep my mouth shut about this when whenever I go to the mall, it seems to always invite and seduce me with its 12.1 megapixel camera and huge HD touch screen. Whew!

Sony Ericsson C902 - Though madali akong nagsawa sa kaniya, this model is still dear to me. I actually can't believe that I didn't want to settle for this phone given it's good specs. I sometimes wish that I'm not much of a materialistic and techie whore.

Nike Vapor Earphone - Love the bass of this earphone. You can never truly appreciate good music without a pair of good earphones. Now there are a lot of wicked earphones out there, ranging from Php 3000 to Php 19000. But this one only costs Php1500. That's quite the bargain given its performance.

3. SONG

Hometown Glory by Adele

After watching Adele perform this song live on Youtube, I finally understood what the briton meant about her music being "broken-hearted soul". Her way of singing and voice is so haunting but at the same time not far-fetched from the genre that the likes Amy and Alicia are into. I'm crazy about this song and the way Adele sang this one. I can only think of the word magical whenever I try to describe it.

Runner Ups

Thinking of You by Katy Perry - I have a soft spot for heart-felt ballads and I was blown away when Katy Perry released this single. "You're like an Indian summer in the middle of the winter, Like a hard candy with a surprise center". Whoever wrote this song is a genius.

I Told You So by Carrie Underwood - I knew that this song would be a year-long favorite of mine when Carrie performed it at American Idol. You've got to hear this song yourself to understand the way I describe it as gut-wreching and classically heart-breaking.

Crazier by Taylor Swift - I've been a fan of Taylor Swift since second year college and when she wasn't that famous yet. She's quite consistent in releasing great singles like "Teardrops on my Guitar" and "Our Song". Though I like "Love Story", it took her some time to release great record like "Crazier". The song is weird in a good way. The lyrics are childish and so out there but the melody and the way Taylor sang it is so infectious.. I've been singing this song when I'm in the shower for months.

Look After You by The Fray - The Fray is the only rock band that I can think of that doesn't have a bad single under their belt. From "You Found Me" and "Never Say Never", the guys are just consistent. "Look After You" is the best love song that I've heard in a while.

4.BOOKS

Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series (5 Volumes)

Months ago I was a nerdy-wannabe on the edge of being a complete bookworm, and now I am. I have this series by Rick Riordan to thank for making me appreciate young adult novels. Naubos ang allowance ko ng isang buwan dahil dito. I always beam with joy whenever I purchase a volume of this series at Power Books. I'm actually planning to submit a review of the series for our next year's issue of Lamp. And what excites me more is that it's movie version will be screened in February! Here's hoping that they don't messed with this book.

Runner Ups

Waiting by Ha Jin: On the surface, it's about two adults who waited for 18 years to have sex. That could have been disastrous and narrow except that the story took place in China during Mao's rule and was executed with Ha Jin's commanding authority in literary. I don't know much about love, but if its what is depicted in this novel, then screw it.

Fablehaven by Brandon Mull (3 volumes): I told you I'm bitten by the young adult book bug, if there's such a thing. True that it's about fairies and giant frogs, but the story can make you read like a mad man. I finished the latest installment overnight.

Memories of my Melancholy Whores by Gabriel Marquez: I have to admit that the weird title was the one that made me buy it. I'm happy I did. Actually if books are as good as this one, they should be given real catchy and more profane titles. Anything to make them stand out. For this latest creation by Marquez is no short of a masterpiece.

5. CLOTHING LINE

Folded and Hung

My best friend Badeth would laugh at me. Because the girl is rich, she has gotten to this hobby of insulting brands like Bench, Penshoppe and Human. She even remarked "yuck" when I told her that my favorite clothing line is F&H. Well what can I do? Folded's the only boutique that showcases a wide variety of great designs at a reasonable price. I do know that the brand is somewhat overrated, but I really can't help buying a shirt or two every now and then.

Runner Ups

Top Man - I'm crazy over the shirt that I bought at this shop a month ago. I keep finding a way to wear it everytime I go out. One thing that I've noticed with the different branches of Top Man is that it really, really caters to gay customers. From the gayish colors and designs of the clothes to the hot salesclerks, I mean come on. Ganun na ba talaga kami kadami at kailangan may sarili na kaming clothing line?

Zara - Though I only have one shirt from this shop (mahal kasi. hayy), it's already a fave of mine. I like how they can go from studded rock and roll shirts to simple preppy tees. There's something for everybody.

Banana Republic - My good mother sent me a package with four Banana Republic long sleeves last summer. I would never dare to enter the shop (there's only one branch here in the Philippines and it's in Greenbelt) for the prices of the clothes are unthinkable. But I always find a way to pass by and moon over the clothes. Grabe, kelan ba ako yayaman?

6. GUILTY PLEASURES

Kipling

I didn't care about brands which products will make your wallet weep until I discovered Kipling. From the bags (which are mostly feminine) down to the wallets the brand really has bitten me. I always drag my classmates and friends to a branch whenever we come across one. I'm trying to collect as many items as I can from the brand while I'm still a student with a monthly allowance. I don't think I'll be that willing to spend two thousand from my hard-earned salary on a single wallet.

Runner Ups:

Egg Tart (Bread Talk)

What frustrates me is that most of the time, the people at Bread Talk seldom serve this one. That's why even if I'm not hungry, I rush to buy some whenever it's available. Here's hoping that they serve this piece of heaven more often this year.

Cheese and Garlic Potato

I always order this one whenever I dine at Kenny Rogers. The branch that they have at Robinsons Malate is now my official tambayan. It's quite a peaceful place to read my books and magazines.

Baked Potatoes (Wendy's)

Add my lifestyle of being a couch potato to my obsession of actual potatoes. Garlic potato, fried potatoes, mojos, potato salad, mashed potato; you name it. This baked potato from Wendy's is a hardcore fave of mine. It just sucks that like egg tart, it's seldom served.

7. CLUB

Bed Malate

I tell you, it's the queen of them all. Club Government used to be my favorite bar because of the music they play but Bed pretty much makes up for the often times boring music with the kind of crowd that they welcome and please. I've never been so self-conscious and nervous before when my good friend Henzen first brought me there. I can't believe at first that a bona fide red light district bar like it exist. I love it and I long to go back.

Runner Ups

Chelu

Though Bed is the top gay destination, Chelu is my favorite one. There was a time when I partied there for eight consecutive weeks. Though the place is small and humble, the same thing can't be said with the people. I love how they can just drop the pick-up line and just say and do what they want. That's how gay bars differ from the straight clubs. People in the latter just don't have the guts and balls.

Manor

I consider my friend Kim's birthday on Club Manor the best party I've ever been with. The food and drinks keep on flooding in that I was way drunk before my time. Not to mention that people like Sam Milby and the guys from PBB also party there.

Guilly's

It's still alive. Hehehe. It's always a pleasure to party at Guilly's. Though they never do something about the small dancefloor, the music they play is always new.

8. ROTATION

Medical City

The place is wickedly cool. It's the only hospital that I've been in that really follows strict precautionary measures and protocols. My group was assigned at the Surgery Suite and we had a hell of a good time with all the unique procedures we've observed. Kaya lang namulubi ako dito. Ang mahal ng mga pagakin sa food court eh.

Runner Ups

FEU-NRMC

It took my group two semesters to be assigned at our own Hospital but it was worth the wait. Some of my groupmates and I stayed at Thomas' (who's now dead) home at fairview to save money. We get to cook our own food, do movie marathons and swim at the house's pool. How cool is that?

Somewhere in Taguig

I kinda forgot the name of the hospital. What made this rotation memorable is that we're assigned at the ER. Now a lot of ugly things happen there but it's better than sitting at a ward waiting for the clock to turn to do vital signs.

9. PEOPLE

Nenette

It's weird because I said "favorite things". I had no prior intention of adding this category but I can't finish this year-ender post without mentioning some of my notable friends. And all of them are winners, there's no runner ups. Now to start with my long-time BFF, gragraduate na tayong dalawa. Can you imagine that? The first time we met we were planting crops in our school garden for our TLE. Now we're about to enter the real world. It's scary, but what makes me comfortable is the complete faith that when I look beside me, there you'll be. May we have more booze and gay-ish pleasures to share my friend.

Camille

Bes pano ba yan. Naunahan pa kita grumaduate. Hehehe. I may come out as someone who's far from being appreciative but know this and know it to be true. I I find happiness that with all the people coming in and out of my life, you manages to stay. I have the tendency to push other people away, you know that. And I appreciate that you didn't allow me. Thank you so much for being a true friend. You'll always have me on the line, don't forget that.

Henzen

Ever since high school, I only name three persons as my best friends. Now after four years into college, you're one of them. I never thought that we'd be really this close since I always notice you giving me "the look" when we were classmates. I've said it and I'll say it again. I could actually trade whatever it is that I've achieved by being with Lamp, but the opportunity that it presented for us to be friends? That I won't. Maraming salamat Henzen! Huwag mo na akong aagawan ulit ha?

Badeth

I've thought of you before as the least likely person that I'll be good friends with. We're just the complete opposite. I find it worrisome that as we go out together, my personality is starting to morph in like of yours. I think that our groupmates notice it and it made me a little bit uncomfortable until I noticed that there's actually nothing wrong with it. Thank you for keeping me grounded. Thank you for teaching me to be brave and outspoken. Sana yumaman talaga tayo. Hehehe.

Kates

Mommy Kates! Thank you for always opening your home for me. Hehe. It seems to me that you're the person who always look forward for my visits. I promise that they will be more frequent. Like Nenette, we've come a long way too. I hope that you find your way around the problems you are now dealing with. And thank you for the drinks you mixed for us! You're tur ning to a great bartender. I love you and see you this march.

XOXO

Jerome

My Birthday Wishlist

2009-09-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

I remember that back when I was in grade school, I've always wondered how and what I will be when I reach the age of my older siblings. I've always admired them, for they seemed to have a definite idea on what they want to do with their life. My sister got pregnant at an early age while my eldest brother started a family of his own when he was 18. During that time people seemed to be mature and at the same time aggressive with their decisions in life.

A decade later, I find myself now facing a monitor after watching Sorority Rows with my friends. I don't have a boyfriend, no one got pregnant and I think I'm putting enough efforts in my study to keep my future on track. A lot could be said when it comes to my maturity, but still, even though I've made a lot of mistakes, I wouldn't have my life any other way.

I'm turning 21, and those two digits are scaring me. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. I want to have a good-paying job after graduation. I want to practice nursing. I want to study Sociology. I want to go straight to Japan to earn money fast. I want to get to New York and work there as soon as possible.

For the past years, those plans and dreams have stayed on the back of my head. Now, they're slowly surfacing. The pressures of being gay and being the youngest child is wearing me down. But I won't be made useless by these. I have trouble deciding on my priorities, but I guess having a lot of things to choose from is better than having nothing to decide on.

Now I just want to bury that worrisome side of me and just celebrate on my being materialistic. Hehehe. Out of the five wishes that I had last year, 4 of them came true. You can't blame me, really. I gave all of my wishes a year to be fulfilled. But now, I'm kinda optimistic on my wishes.

1. Kipling Wallet

How much it cost: Php 3000

How I intend to get it: My next sweldo in our group's paluwagan. But having it as a gift will be very nice.

Why I want it: Thanks to my bona fide shopaholic friend Badeth, I was ingested to a world where eyes only favor products that are branded. The little monkey toy that hangs on every product of Kipling is slowly becoming an obsession of mine. Whenever I come across a Kipling boutique, I would really swallow my pride (it's a shop for women) and browse on items. I don't know but it always makes me happy and alive (that was so gay), like what the egg tart and smart alec at Breadtalk do. I managed to convince my father to buy me a Kipling shoulder bag and I'm so at ease whenever I wear it at school. I lost my wallet last summer and since then I only have my two pockets to rely on. Damn, I always get a deduction in my NCM classes because I always forget to bring my 1x1 ID pic. Having a wallet will help me become more organized. I have high hopes for this one.

2. Kipling Reading Glass

How Much it Cost: Php 4200

How I intend to get it: My savings, for I think it's kinda weird to have a reading glass as a birthday present.

Why I want it: It's not because I want to look smart or something. My hobby of reading novels has taken it's toll on my "almond eyes" (with reference to my guru Lowell Silang). I'd rather carry one everyday than wear contacts. And it wouldn't hurt at all if it's Kipling. Really, it wouldn't hurt at all.

3. Regine Velasquez Memorabilia

How Much it Costs: ???

How I intend to get it: I'll start collecting CD's and posters next month. I'll give it year I guess.

Why I want it: I will always be a Reginian in heart. I realize this when she launched her Reigne/Songbird Perfume under Bench. It's been a long time since I've been updated about her so I got very excited when I saw her billboard for the perfume. I even dragged my classmates at Bench just to test them.

I've been a fan of Regine since grade 5. Since there were no iPods and Limewire during that time, I always turn our radio on every morning and wait for her songs to be played. I would even lock myself in during Sundays just to watch her sing in SOP. I can even remember myself as this obsessed fan who always defend her whenever his classmates say bad things about her. Heck, I've seen all her movies and practically memorized most of her songs. So it's quite fitting for me to immortalize somone who influenced my taste in music. Top in my priorities are the following:

a. Songbird Sings the Classics (CD, I've lost my copy of it back in high school)

b. Reigne (CD, It's the last album she released where all songs are original. I'm looking for the limited edition)

c. R2K (CD, It's her most successful album. Lost this one too.)

d. Covers Volume 1 and 2 (CD, Hindi na kasi gumagana yung copy ko nito. Hehe)

4. Sony Ericsson SATIO

How much it costs: Php 40,000+

How I intend to get it: I'll sell my phone and iTouch. Maski katawan ko ibebenta ko mawahakan ko lang to. Hahaha.

Why I want it: I'm a techie whore. There, I've said it na. I don't think that there's any gadget out there, espcially products from Sony Ericsson and Apple, that I don't know of. What I found funny is that when I bought my new phone, I didn't need any information about the cellphones. I know them by heart. From their megapixels down to their specs, I kow them. I could even make any salesclerk from Sony Ericsson a run for their money.

It's friggin 12.1 megapixel. If that won't make you stretch your allowance and join every paluwagan, then I don't know what will. Aside from the fact that it boasts a wide array of features that are somehwat similar to that of iPhone, critics are already branding this one as the first real "iPhone Killer" since Samsung's OMNIA. Its touch screen makes this phone a perfect substitute for any camera, for you can focus on any image with just a click.

I'm kinda nervous putting it here on my wishlist. I'm really starting to dream that I'll somehow lay my hands on it the moment it's released this October.

5. Boyfriend

How much it cost: I sure wish that I don't have to pay to have one.

How I intend to get it: I don't know, but I guess loosing weight is one. Finding a way to stop my hairline from receding also sounds good. Injecting endorphins (for Sir Rueda said kulang daw ako nito) to make myself look younger? Could be. But definitely not Malate!

Why I want it: I could really forgive if he only bears a slight resemblance with Brandon Routh.

I accomplished my "Ultimate Goal" last May so I'm on to my next step: put myself in a stable relationship. I think that this is the first time that I have to admit that I want someone special in my life. Notice how I used the word "want" instead of "need". I think I've been with myself long enough. I want to experience how it is to be in another person's warm embrace again.

I hope that my 2-year streak of fulfilling my wishes continue this year, especially with this one. Ako na lang ata ang bakla na nagsisine sa Rob Malate na ang kasama ay hindi boyfriend! Kaloka no.

Intolerance

2009-08-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

There's nothing that I loath more than people who try to shove their beliefs down your throat like they are the only acceptable ones. I like to think that I live in a world that is open to the concepts of diversity, relativity and freedom. The reason why I hate homophobes is not merely because they practically abhor the likes of me, but because they rather slack off the rest of their lives beeing spoon fed with collective beliefs and perceptions rather than take their own initiative in knowing the truth.

These past few days, I've had several encounters with this person they call Kuya Kevin. I always tell myself that whenever I meet a full blown homophobe, I should give myself a tap in the shoulder, for I believe that they are on the brink of extinction. Anygays, he is definitely the embodiment of homophobia, his rants and choice of words when he commented on my article about homosexuals in Tamarawbayan.com pretty much stated where he stands. I couldn't care less about what he said or what he thinks, but it's just that whenever I come across him, I couldn't help myself from being overtly disgusted and rude. And that's not because I find his often religious beliefs wrong, it's because he cannot find it within him to exert even a little effort in understanding others. He just logged in and judge the existence and morality of homosexuals like he had travelled around the world and had learned everything about us. The arrogance that he displayed when he made his beliefs known definitely flared me up.

"I know that I know not". If one of the most well known philosopher in history can admit that he is devoid of knowledge, why can't we? I'm not saying that we must go out there and act stupid. It's just that I observe that, sometimes, as people become more philosophical, the more indifferent and rude they become. They act as though they know everything that they become so tense and aggressive in expressing their philosophies, all the while ridiculing and belittling that of the others.

Though I admit that I have a rather vague stand when it comes to the existence of God, I don't go out there and insult the beliefs of people who follow Him. I wouldn't be able to look myself if I do that for I wouldn't be any different from the homophobes that I vowed to fight. I don't think that you can fight something by using the manner in which it is fueled. You can't fight evil with injustice and violence. You can't fight discrimination with crimes and indifference. And you can't fight hate with hate.

I still pray with my friends and classmates. I still kneel with them at church and I even volounteered to lead an opening prayer for our seminar. If I am asked by muslims to come to their mosque and pay respect to Allah, I wouldn't hesitate. I don't think that this makes me a hypocrite. I am committed to being an example to my likes; that even though most people discriminate and hate us, I can still find a reason to love and respect them despite our differences.

Though I admit that it might be contrary to what I've been saying about acknowleding diversity and differences, I can't help but think of how wonderful the world can be if everybody can do the same.

XOXO

Jerome

Tears for Water

2009-08-05T04:38:00.000-07:00

This post might come out as a boring cliche since everybody is talking about it, but what the heck. The sloth fiend in me took over and I wasn't able to even get a glimpse of Cory's funeral procession, so this post is the least thing I can do to pay respect to someone who for the past days have unearthed a sense of nationalism in me that I never thought existed.

I'm not really the kind of person who believe in things easily, especially if they were channelled through the media. Yet, I absorbed every bit of embellishments and stories that the family and friends of Cory have stated about her.

There's this nun who was given the privelege to speak in the necrological ceremony that came to face the crowd with unparallelled courage when she said that Cory's hands were never tainted with the gold and silver of corruption. In other situations I would find that statement blasphemous, for I think that corruption unexplainably runs deep within EVERY politician in our country. It's like they belong to this certain discipline devoted in taking things that doesn't belong to them.

But with Cory, every vein and artery of my black heart mellowed and melted. And I'm not ashamed to admit that it's mainly because of the people who came to show their love and respect. This pretty much built the image of a woman who through her simple faith, humility, integrity and selflessness has commanded the attention and love of many people. I don't think that many people can do that. It's like she reached the end while soaring at heights where some people can only dream of being at; with self-actualization undoubtly under her belt.

The last time that a woman (and I'm not being a sexist. it's just that woman power attracts me more) caught my undivided attention was when Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. She was a daughter of a former president of Pakistan who after years of being in exile returned to her country to bring back hope to her people. She did this with the absolute knowledge (as shown in her interview) that she will probably be killed, given the situation in Pakistan. Nevertheless she came, for as she said, it's her duty to her people and her promise to God. Her journey to Allah's arms was shortened when she was shot in the head during a presidential campaign.

Before I was like, why do everybody think that being killed is synonymous to dying for a country and a cause? I don't think that you have to die in order to prove your worth and stand. But with Benazhir, I'm starting to understand that life, as precious as it is, will never be a fulfilling one if it's filled with visions, mission and ideologies that never saw fruition because we are hindered with fear.

The same rings true with Cory. I've herad numerously for the past days that she is the mother of democracy, but that title still does not fail in sending chills down my spine.

What if she never came to our country's aid? What if she chose to be silenced by the death of her beloved husband? What if she allowed fear to settle in and succumb to the numerous threats that were bugging her? What would have happened to our country and what would have happened to us?

I don't know the answer (but I know I wouldn't have been born) but I know the light of nationalism and radicality that have fueled our populace in their continous fight for our country will remain as an idea up to now. Every Filipino that was born for the past decade would have been collared at birth and made to follow rules and live a life that was only directed at making the coffers of a certain dictator flourish.

For that, Tita Cory, thank you. You don't know me and I can't say that I know you, but even though it's like that, the ripples of the well-lived life that you had reached everybody including me. I'm not gonna pray for you, for as a friend of yours say, it is you who we should pray at for our country, for you are now among the Blessed.

XOXO

Jerome

The Nature of Beauty

2009-07-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

A month ago, I found myself on an uncomfortable receiving end with my professor in Humanities as what should've been a simple recitation turned into a debate. Humanities is a minor subject (I still can't get over the fact that they didn't offer Humanities and Rizal when we were in AHSE) so my classmates and I don't take it that seriously when we attend. But it's for the same reason that I told myself that I have to excel at the subject, for I'd be damned if it will be the one which will drag my GWA to the drain.

So we were given our first assignment. Our professor asked us to search for a definition of art and be able to explain it in our own words. I was kinda nervous the next day for he seems very discontented with the answers of my classmates. It seemed to me that boring a hole on people's head to make them understand and believe that they're the stupid ones and he's the smart one is an essential part of his everyday life. I can't blame him, really. He's a Graduate in Liberal Arts, Major in Philosophy and he'll lose his mind if he'll end up being debunked by students who do nothing but take vital signs and interview patients.

He was even at the verge of being arrogant when he started boasting his degree and belittling the one we're pursuing. He gave us this article entitled "Shakespeare or Petroleum" which pretty much sizes up art and science. He then told us that we study for practical reasons, while people like him does it to be "liberated" (that made me laugh, looking at him). He said that science is about boring, objective facts while art is for the pursue of truth. He went on and on that we told him that we will shift courses right away.

My turn finally came. I can vaguely recall my own definition, it goes like this:

"If art is a subject that affects beauty, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and therefore is very subjective, then I'd say that art is the expression of feelings, emotions, principles and ideas in such fashion that it is open to the interpretation of other people."

I sighed a breath of relief when he stayed sitting without saying anything quiet. But as I move to take my seat, he told me if I he can ask me a question. I said yes, and he asked me if I really believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I take the saying as a cliche, but nevertheless it is true in every sense, so I said yes. He then asked me a question that made my soul leave it's body: what if the person is blind?

I literally turned at my classmate and muttered: What the fuck? I was really dumbfounded but I was able to gather my senses (for the sake of my sinful pride) and said that beauty can't only be appreciated through sight. He said that I didn't get his point; he was asking what this: what if the person is uneducated? He then said that it renders the person's idea of beauty invalid. Beauty therefore, according to him, is objective.

I was actually pissed. I found myself on auto-pilot as I stood several times to counter his ideas. I told him that there is no concrete standards and norms that defines the nature of beauty. No matter how hard a famous artist worked on a painting or how something is made from silver or gold means nothing if it will translate as insignificant to the perceptions of other people. He then said that if that's so, if beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, then why do we have a general conformity to what is beautiful?

I told him that we have a general conformity to what is beautiful because of our collective perception. I cited as an example that a typical person's idea of a beautiful woman is someone who is tall, fair skinned and curvy. When people who have the same perception come together (like in a society), the tendency is that their perception will become dominant and will make that of other people seemingly wrong. But it is a fuckery, for we will be committing a certain fallacy if we will be leaning on a certain idea just because more people believe and agrees with it.

He continued talking about his ideas for the next hour and even at the next meeting. But I really didn't care. I didn't even listen. Not because I'm not open to the ideas of other people. No. It's because his idea is parallel to that of conforming to what society sees fit and normal. And there's nothing more that I hate than that.

What will the world be if even the little things like beauty will be defined by a specific law? What is the essence of us being rational if we will be collared at birth and made to follow what society sees as fit and righteous? I'm no graduate in arts, but I believe that having a standard to what is beautiful and not will make Picasso and Modigliani rise from their graves to strangle whoever said it.

Whether it's Mona Lisa or The Girl with the Pearl Earring, artworks will stand as bland as an empty canvass if it will not stimulate a feeling of admiration and establish an emotional connection with a person. That itself is subjective, for nobody experienced the same thing in life; the things that pull an emotional string in people varies widely. People will call an artwork beautiful, some will not, and you can't force those people to change their minds because your idea of beauty is shared by a specific majority. You can't do that. It's like offering people in a restaurant a meal that they did not order. It's no different from giving them shit on a platter.

And I was definitely taken aback by the notion of uneducated people having an invalid perception of beauty. I don't think that you have to be able to see half of the world for something to be beautiful in your eyes, and without someone taking that idea of yours away. I sometimes even envy those people who knew little, for even the simplest things in life can bring joy to them while others turn crazy searching the world for complex things that they think will make their lives beautiful.

This is taking too long, when I can make it short. So here it goes:

"There's nothing more evil in this world than the poison of collective perception that is settling deep within most of us. It takes away our freedom, our rationality and our individuality. It turns us to machine that mimics the lives of other people, when we should be pursuing ours. And worst, it builds walls that hinder us from understanding people whose outlook in life differs from our own."

It's a struggle for I have to sit at his class for a few more months. But I'm an advocate and a fighter of my own cause, so it will be interesting.

XOXO

Jerome

Of Love, Hate and Healing

2009-07-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

It's been like ages since my last blog post, and I almost forgot how to start one without boring a hole in my own head. What can I say? It's been quite a roller coaster of weeks. What I find ironic is that even though my environment has changed drastically, what I feel inside is still the same. I still feel like floating whenever I get out of my bed. I still end up daydreaming my days through. I couldn't even take a grasp on my friggin life and try to make it exciting and productive. It's still the same uncaring, lazy and obnoxious man that I see in the mirror. (Thanks for making that expression seem overused MJ, sucks for me.)

But that doesn't suggest that I'm not thankful and happy with all the happenings in my dear life. No, No, No. I realized that as you go on with your seemingly monotonous life of waking up early, taking a shower, going to school, coming home, sleeping and waking up again, it's quite hard to take a breather and try to digest what happened in your day. That's one habit that I find difficult to break. I always tell myself that at the end of the day I should find time to recall what happened and be thankful even if nothing special occured. Instead, I end up shrugging the notion off and just sleep, thinking that I'm over-analyzing things and being too serious with my life.

Having said that, how do people who are so carefree and with no worries survive? That question came up to me when a classmate of mine said that people are too keen on becoming idealistic, forgetting that their ideas, no matter how great they are, can't be applied in real life. "Puro kayo idealismo," that classmate of mine even said.

I was seriously strucked by that statement that I found myself not wanting to talk to her. It's just that I'm reminded of "a particular event" wherein my rationality and ideas drowned when I'm confronted with a taste of reality. Napaisip tuloy ako. What's the sense of trying to become more philosophical if you can't apply it in your life? What's the point of me spending time to celebrate idealism in my page when whenever I'm out there, I'm quite the opposite? That question has been bugging me since "it" happened that I can't even bear the sight of my Paulo Coelho novels in my bookshelf.

I don't have any answer for that question yet. I still believe that one must find time and ask themself the question why and stray from conforming to beliefs and standards they haven't analyzed. But I also acknowledge the fact that out there, with everyone seemingly doing the same thing, it's easy to just go with the flow and blend with them. How you can link the world of ideas to the world of reality is definitely the catch and the one that I'm trying hard to do now.

Well let's put all of those aside. I have a bigger fish to fry (damn, why do keep using cliches?).

The first half of this year is enough to dwarf any previous year that I had. Well, maybe not that much. It's just that so many things have happened that I always feel like the days and months are dragging me slowly. But no matter how special those things are (sorry but I can only hint on such things. let's try to respect the lives and silence of others), I realized that they are of the same thing. And I'm tired. Really tired. And I'm ready too; ready to turn a new page (the cliches keep on coming) of my life.

During the course of the past months, I've been listening to the same, sad old songs. It might come out as funny or weird (what is weird but a word that we use to describe something or someone that we don't have the capability to understand?), but I kinda incorporated too much of myself in them. Music is that dear to me, for I never, never leave our house without my iTouch. Now, I'm deleting them on my playlist, for I don't want to be reminded of the same, sad old feelings. Masaya na ulit ako ngayon. Nevertheless, they brought me to this state of euphoria, so I'm immortalizing them here on my tiny humble space.

BTW, I surprised myself in everyway possible. Napaligaya ko ang sarili ko ngayon. These songs are also about those little steps of mine. Hehehe.

Chasing Pavements ("I'd build myself up and fly around and circles waiting as my heart drops, and my back begins to tingle."): Wow. Salute ako sa track na to dahil kahit kailan hindi ako nagsawang pakinggan siya.

I Need to be Next to You ("Pretending I was better off alone, but I know that it's just a lie"): This song pretty much summarizes everything. Too bad I won't be listening to it anymore.

Sometimes I Wake Up Crying ("I can't find a reason to let go, even though you've found a new love, and it's what your dreams are made of"): I have to give myself a tap in the shoulder for finding this track. Talagang gusto akong maging bitter ng Limewire.

Halo ("Remember those walls I built? Well baby they're tumbling down.") I was a fan of this song months before it became so popular. Feeling ko tuloy ninakawan nila ako ng kanta. Hehehe.

Make You Feel My Love ("I've known it from the moment that we met. No doubt it my mind where you belong") Haunting and heartbreaking. Eto talaga ang mga tipo ng kanta na hindi pinapakinggan.

Goodbye My Lover ("You can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take") Listening ot this years ago made me cry even though I've no experience. Imagine how I reacted when I remembered this song some months ago.

Unbeautiful ("Was it something that I said? Was it something that I did? Coz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful") This is one heck of a bitter song. Hardcore kung hardcore. Bitter kung bitter.

Rain on Your Parade (I'll keep raining over you): I'm exhausted na eh. Hehehe. Gusto ko na lang ng tahimik na buhay.

I Told You So ("Suppose I call you up tonight and tell you that I love you?"): Isa rin to. I'm starting to believe that these sad songs don't help you in feeling better.

Dancing (No need for anything but music, music's the reason why): This song is gonna be the hardest to remove. Hehe. It's definitely one of the most beautifully sang ballads that I've ever heard.

The Waves ("I'll watch the moon, and the stars. And tell them everything about us") emo + vitriol = the waves by elisa. Yun lang ang masasabi ko. Hehehe.

If This Isn't Love (I could be dreaming or just playing crazy): It's good thing that I'm neither. I really felt something. Hehehe.

Take A Bow (Make them laugh, it comes so easy when you get to the part when you're breaking my heart): It's the one by Madonna. Ewan pero parang ginawa ang kanta na to para sa isang napakaspecific na tao.

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

I'M BACK. NOW, LET'S GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO WIGGLE ABOUT.

The 8 Phases of Relationships (from How I Met Your Mother)

2009-04-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, yes. Instead of spending my two weeks vacation in Bicol enjoying the beach and drinking my heart out with my high school friends, here I am stuck in my room watching the seemingly endless seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Not that I abhor this though. It's just that given the fact that I've spent the summer of last year all locked up in my room with tons of DVD, I kinda hoped that it would be different this year.

Anyways, have I mentioned that of all the TV series that I've seen, I consider Will and Grace the best? I love that show. All the puns and the characters never grow old on me. I was actually devastated when I was watching its last season for I know that I'll never get to watch a series like it.

Then How I Met Your Mother came. It's nothing like Will and Grace but its definitely one of the better series that I've watched. I can so relate with the life of being single that was so emphasized in it. And it doesn't hurt at all that Ted Mosby was pretty hot. Hehehe.

I was boring a hole in my bed watching its third season when they got to this very interesting episode. Ted was discussing this date of his when Barney (the show's hilarious antagonist) barged in and said that he's making the biggest mistake of his life by trying to build a serious relationship again. Barney went on ranting about how predictable people are when it comes to being in a relationship so much that he was able to narrow down everything that happens in it in 8 phases.

I find these pahses very amusing and relatable. I kinda got a hang of it so I'll share my very recent and personal experience and take on each of the phases. Don't get too hopeful andf excited though. Hindi naman naging kami nor we ever came close to that. But its the closest thing to a relationship that I ever had in years, so I'll break a leg.

Just so you know, I have no feelings for the guy now. I find it saddening, for I know that he's special. Now I don't care about him anymore. Tsk tsk tsk.

And as always, though I might mention the existence of other people in my blog, my domain and everything there is to it is all about me as well.

1. Attraction

This phase often, though not necessarily, occurs when you get to see a person of interest the first time. You may feel on the first or second glance, when you realized that indeed there's something special with the person that's worth looking into and investigating about.

I was attracted to this guy when I read this article of his. During that time I already knew he was trouble but it didn't stopped me from finding ways to know things about him. The attraction that I had with the guy just keeps going stronger as I read and know more about him. Funny for when we talk about 'attraction' we immediately think about how the person looks and carry himself. I actually didn't find him physically attractive.

2. Bargaining

This is the phase when you realize that the attraction that you felt before is going stronger. Some people indulge and allow their feelings to take over, but most people in a way result to finding excuses to not like the person. They would look for some unattractive qualities about the guy/girl so that they would escape the feeling of entrapment and hoplessness. People in this phase are scared that they are falling deeper and deeper for a person.

What can I say? I'm a classical example for this phase. I was too proud and annoyed that the moments I spend thinking about the guy are becoming long. I started to distant myself from the guy, but it was futile given the fact that he 'was' one of my contact here in multiply. Given that I can't avoid reading his works.

3. Submission

This is when you finally raise the white flag and admit that you're either madly attracted or in love. This is when you stupidly let your guard down and let yourself vulnerable.

Yet this phase for me is the best. I remembered not being able to take it anymore; I was so tired of wanting something and doing nothing about it so I poured all of my emotions to this single text message (it has 6 parts hehehe). And it was very rewarding indeed. Given the fact that I'm gay and non-conventional, that was the bravest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I've done it before in high school but compared to that day it was completely way off the roof.

4. Perks

Just when you thought that you couldn't like the person more even if you try, certain qualities and things about him surface that will make you fall harder. You're getting to know the person better and some of the things that you would learn about him might even exceed your expectations. This is when you truly fall in love and be with the person

I wouldn't say that I fell in love with the guy. But as we texted and I get to communicate all of my feelings with him, I fell for him harder. I found new things about me and him everyday that would make me smile wider and face my everyday with a lighter heart. I was so happy during this phase. It seems that I finally got rid of all my inhibitions; very happy indeed.

5. Tipping Point

This is when things get ugly. Sometimes, knowing things about people don't prove helpful at all. How would you feel when your person of interest chew loudly, has children, smells bad, went to jail before or has imperforate anus?

The tipping point phase started when this guy started showing a bit of attitude. The reason why I don't like bisexuals is that they can be collectively narrowed down to this beings who just can't help but feel that they looks so good and that they're so important that people like me would die when they disappear. I hate egomaniacs.

And the guy I'm talking about turned out to be one, sadly. He started showing this very rude and insensitive attitude of his. I'm not saying that he's all like that, na talagang masama siyang tao, but he chose to show that kind of impression to me. I found that very unfair.

6. Purgatory

Purgatory is that hypothetical place between heaven and hell where people get to be purified of their sins so that they'll prove worthy of being in God's grace. On the other hand, as a phase, it's when you become unsure of where you want to sail the relationship to; either towards its thrive or end. You'd end up being confused for you still like the person, but you can't help this nagging feeling that you're making a huge mistake by staying with him/her.

I stayed in this phase too long. He was no good, I knew that. But what can I do? I've never felt that kind of emotion for a long time. I ended going back and forth with liking and hating him. It's the worst thing I ever have to deal with when it comes to other people.

7. Confrontation

It's the "Can we talk?" phase. It's that time when you can't handle all the pain, frustrations and anger anymore. It's the time when you face your partner and talk about where both of you stand in the relationship. This phase is when you and your partner either work your differences or send your relationship to the drain.

It's a shame that I got nothing but a very insulting lie with confronting the guy. I asked him if he's still open to the idea of being serious with me and if he really just consider me as a friend. He said that it's not like I'm only a friend to him, it's just that friendship is all that he can offer to me or to anybody at that time. I could have waited for him. But all of these proved BS the day after when he told the whole world that he wants a boyfriend. How about that for a slap in the face? Hehehe.

8. Fallout

Since when did the word fallout was used as substituite for break-up? Anyways this is it. This is the ugliest part for it's when you lose all rationality and allow your full wide range of emotions to take over. And this is when you finally get to realize how stupid you are for toying with your mind and for liking the person.

I deleted him from my contacts and have destroyed every chances of even having him as a friend. That's all there is to it.

9. Co-existence

Actually there's a 9th phase, though it doesn't occur that often. It's when you finally get over all the ugliness between the two of you and be able to live without causing discomforts to each other. It's when you become open to a healthy, though not intimate, relationship with the person and bury the hatchet that you have.

Me? I don't know. I'm not mad anymore. Nor am I bitter. But I'm not exactly sure if I wanted to be friends with someone who lied to me at my most vulnerable moment and just when I needed him most to tell me the truth. Maybe yes, maybe not. But probably not, for I'll go at great lengths to not have anything to do with him. He's such a huge mistake. . .

Why Am I Sad?

2009-03-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

Funny for one would think that with that title, I’ll be posting bulleted reasons on why I’m cheerless. But it’s the exact opposite thing; I’m so clueless on why I can’t end up my day with positive recollections.

With the growing family that I have, quality friendships that I treasure and the good future that I try to reach with the efforts that I put up at present, I still can’t figure why it’s so hard to lie on my bed at night and smile. Instead I sleep with this hope that tomorrow something great will happen that would finally put colours to my monotonous life. Something cool, something awesome; anything at all that would make me say that my life is not wasting away.

Back when I was in first year college, my happiness means going to school prepared, getting high scores in quizzes, being exempted, awing my professors with my ideas and walking home knowing that I save some money doing so. I managed to be positive with everything back then. But now, doing these things just tires me. I mean, why prepare for school when the people around you get by with cheating and writing notes on their desks? Why put up with preparing for recitations when it only amounts to 5% of your grade? And why walk home and think about the little amount of money you’ll save, when you get to spend much with projects, food, clothes and vices?

I remember my high school life in the province. Being in a public school, my days would be spent listening to lectures, making the most of our recess, cleaning our rooms and later on spending what remains of the day eating fishballs with my classmates. When I get home, I’ll turn on my TV or play playstation until my eyes get teary and the need to sleep calls me in. That’s how I was for six consecutive years. I was happy, if not contented, with that kind of life. Now, I can’t believe that I didn’t lose my head during that time. I truly lost my innocence by being here in Manila.

It seems like I lost my love for everything that I’m doing. It’s an effort to pull myself out of bed and make my way to school. It’s an effort to even think of other places to eat other than the one found at the back of Manila Plaza. It’s an effort to say hi to a former classmate of mine. It’s an effort to get a copy of lecture handouts so that you’ll be prepared for the quizzes. Everything requires efforts.

Though companions and little chats still make my day, I just don’t feel complete with these things alone. The things that made me happy the past weeks are when I bought a JanSport bag, I had my cellphone Gmasked, I shopped for clothes, I watched a movie, had a chat with my best friend , partied at Manor and when the LAMP issue which I contributed to finally came out. And I realize that as I get used to them, the happiness that I felt before fades away.

I would love to mention the recent work of my very talented editor, Wende Dancel. She wrote this editorial column entitled “Happiness Found”. In it, she went on emphasizing that we should invest our happiness in things that will not be lost, things that are permanent. I take it that she’s referring to friendships, family and future. But how can I do that? The true friends that I have are back in Bicol. I don’t get to be with my close friends in FEU everyday either. My family? Both of my parents are in Japan while I can’t focus on improving my relationships with my siblings because by the time I get home, I’ll be too tired and sleepy to even mind them. And the future. How can I feel passionate in realizing it given that as I delve in deeper to my course, the more I feel detached to it? How can I put efforts in something that I do not love?

I have to be happy. It’s the only way that anyone can get through with life. So I wrote this list on what I have to do so that I can see to it that that need will be fulfilled.

FAMILY

1. I’m going to log-in everyday at YM so that I’ll get to talk with my father all the time.

2. I’ll see to it that twice a week, I’ll be making calls to my Lola back in Bicol.

3. I’m going to spend at least an hour taking care of my nephews and nieces and talking to my sister whenever I get home.

4. I’ll help my sister with the housework and laundry.

FRIENDS

1. I’ll make sure that I’ll be texting each and every one of them at least once a day.

2. I’ll be very active in YM so that I’ll get to be updated with the happenings in their lives.

3. I’ll be sensitive with their feelings and helpful with their needs.

4. I’ll quite being the backstabbing whore that I am.

FUTURE

1. I’m gonna start studying for the Board Exam this summer.

2. I’ll spare no efforts in making this year’s LAMP issues the best the IN will ever see.

3. I’m going to start reading my Anatomy, Med-Surgical, Pharmacology and Nursing Research books.

4. I’m gonna study, study, study, study.

Myself

1. I’m going to lose weight

2. I’m turning my room into a home that is both inspiring and motivating

3. I will seek different ways of improving myself. (like learning other languages and philiosophies)

4. I’m going to be motivated, and will not lose it.

I just hope that I can commit. Anybody at all, help me. :-)

My LAMP Debut

2009-03-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that I'm happy, very happy indeed that a feasible proof that I'm oficially a writer of our Institute had finally surfaced. For the mere thought of being in LAMP is too much for my small brain to comprehend. I need visual stimulations to convince me.

Anyway I'm just glad that it finally came out. I was worried that I'll never get my hands on it. The 2nd issue of LAMP for school year 2008-09 was distributed the same time our grade slips were handed out. And I'm proud to say that I'm one of the moving force behind it. When I say moving, I mean literally moving boxes that contain 400 copies of the issue on my shoulder from room to room.

Gosh I remember being so exhausted that day that I decided to just bail out in helping my peers (wow peers talaga. kafal!) .I was so hungry and bathing on my own sweat, not to mention that I have no one to talk to. It's just that the people there can be a bit intimidating, especially the 4th year edboards. I just decided to focus on my work like they never existed.

I was fortunate enough to be entrusted in writing two articles. The first one was about how students from other Institutes perceive nursing students. It was very fulfilling. I feel like a true journalist as I approach students to interview them. True that in the end product I'm sharing the spotlight(I'm getting cocky na) with three other writers, but they used my introduction and conclusion. Fair enough. Hehehe.

The second one was about the Victometer. Now it wasn't actually assigned to me. It's just that this writer ended up making a feature instead of a news article for the headline, so one of the editors decided to hand it over to another staff. And that's where I came in. Hehehe. Super papogi points ako sa mga edboards. It's just that given the fact that I'm a newbie, I felt this need to show my commitment. After all, I was accepted to the organization the easiest way possible. I need to prove that in a way I was worth it.

Everything was going fine the day the issue was distributed when I was texted that there was a grave error about the Victometer article. I was in cloud 9 at that time and it just made my whole world turn upside down. The goal of Batch 09 is placing 3 student in the top five, 5 student in the top 10 and a 90% poassing rate. I overlooked it and typed one student in the top 3 instead. How could I have been so stupid? Gosh I hate myself for fucking over my first task! I hate it that I have to learn this lesson the hard way.

Anygays there's no reason to belittle all of my good efforts just because of one mistake. All I can say is that I'm so delighted for the opportunity that I got. I'm getting my articles framed, ganun ako nabaliw nung nakita ko siya. Hehehe. Seriously, I'm getting it framed because there's this huge possibility that I'm gonna leave the organization.

It depends on whether or not I'll prove worthy of being one of the editorial boards. As much as how I love any form of writing, I had always dreamed of having my own editorial column. I don't actually like writing news for it so limit it's writers. I wanted to be able to express my opinion and beliefs openly. I would kill to see that happen. I think it's the reason why I joined LAMP in the first place. I don't think I can learn and grow if I'm just gonna be a senior writer. Saka I don't have friends there. I need to be in a position where hindi ako kukuyugin. Hehehe.

But I think it's impossible. All the odds are working against me. Even if I get a high score in the exam that the edboards are gonna give us, the question of me deserving a spot is still there. I'm a newbie, no background experience in writing ( and that's because Ive only been passionate in writing since second year), does not or did not belong to a pilot class (for they're keen in asking us who belongs or belonged to a pilot class before. hmmm), have no friends (except for Henzen. love you!), and I committed a mistake on my first task! Add to that the adviser of LAMP have not seen me yet. And I bet that the first thing he would say to me when we finally meet is how pity it is for a new member like me to make a mess out of a headline news! I wanna hide na.

I would have just go on and quit LAMP like any sane person would do, but I decided against it. I'm no quitter. I might as well throw myself before a moving LRT like what that girl on TV did than turn my back on an opportunity just because there's a less possibility of winning.

Good luck sa akin. I just hope that I'll end up being in the LAMP. I'm really starting to like it there.

XOXO

Jerome

Wrapping Up the Semester

2009-03-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

I might as well cut myself for writing that for a title, for narrowing down everything that happened this past five months is no joke. It's ironic that I felt as though this semester went fast given the fact that so many things have happened. I've said it over a million times already but so many realizations have taken me in. I sure hope that inspirations and new people keep on coming.

I feel like I'm growing fast, though the same thing can't be said with my thinning hair. I hate it! Why of all the attributes that would inherit from my father (love you!), it has to be the friggin hair? I would love to not buy gatsby (and that stands for Gatz and Abby, our new classroom hot couple according to my classmates) just to fix the mess that's sitting on top of my head. Any suggestions guys?

Okay I'll stop fooling around. Time to get way serious for I have to commit for this post for I know it's gonna take me sometime to finish it. I wouldn't want to actually take that long here in the internet cafe (having an internet connection is the only wish from my last years' birthday wishlist that's not yet fulfilled. I badly need it!) for I'm gonna end up paying more. I don't want that now since the days of slothing is over and my allowance is officially cut-off, do I?

Anygays here is it. I decided to number all the happenings this past semester. Now don't be mislead, they're not actually that great and memorable. It's just that my way of writing makes them so. Hehehe. . .

1. I Became a Member of LAMP, our Institute's Official Publication

I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? I was so happy that I was able to actually pull it off. Not that it's hard though. What I'm amazed at is that I actually gave a damn and committed to it. All they asked me to do was to go see all the six editors of LAMP and make them sign my application, a task that all of the editors made easy for me too. I'm probably the last person who would want to be a staffer the easiest way, but what can I do? I was anticipating for them to ask me write an essay but instead they gave me a task that made me wonder if I'm applying for a spot in a reality show.

I realized that I loved being surrounded by intelligent and hardworking people, for they make me feel that I belong. Hahaha! I was kidding. But then seriously, I think I'm gonna learn a lot from this organization, given the fact that the writers are all good. I really hope that I can contribute and help them in anyway.

2. I Laid my Hands on My New iTouch

I sometimes do have the tendency to be materialistic, and for that I apologize. Hahaha! I remember being told that single people tends to be techie. Not that I have a lot of gadgets, but I find it a hobby to be updated with the latest cellphones, mp4 players and video games and platforms. Looking at these gadgets in the magazines and websites makes me happy and makes me forget that I'm single indeed. Hehehe. And occasionally, looking hard and wishing hard on the pictures of these gadgets help on eventually laying my hands on them. This rings true with my 16 GB iTouch!

It was given to me last December 27 when my parents came home from Japan. During that time I still can't get over the fact that the ipod video that I have nourished so well was taken from me during that fateful day in Lawton. So for every call my parents made, I always made a point of hinting them how great this gadget is. And it actually paid off! This gadget is the single reason why I'm riding the LRT on my way to school and back home. I just can't risk it being stolen at gunpoint.

3. I was Assigned to a New Section, and a New Group

I miss being with my previous section last summer and it has nothing to do with me being the mayor, wait, it has something to do with me being the mayor. I just miss being the one people lean in to and the one who organize them. And heck, I feel proud, very proud indeed whenever I recall that section of mine. We were never that kind of students who would boo at our classmates, backstab our teachers, go outcasting others and more importantly, cheat. The person who cheated in my class even ended up facing one of the coordinators. We were that disciplined, and I effin miss it.

Now, I'm posting about my current section, am I? Hmmm. I really don't have to say anything. What I can say is that they are indeed smarter and wittier than my previous section, but that's it. I didn't have the time to actually get to know them. I practically don't even know some of them, even by name. The reshuffling didn't end up in my favor, so I'm now seeking greener pastures, if you know what I mean.

But I can say the exact opposite with my groupmates. I love them. I actually hope that everday is duty day so that we are the only one who would interact with each other. I prepared a message for them in case I get transferred to a new section the way I planned.

Josh: Our tough and smart leader. All I can say to you is learn how to control your emotions, for it sometimes take over you and turn you into whole different person.

Leanne: The January Starty girl! Hehehe! I would definitely miss you, that's if I have my way of transferring to a new section this coming summer. I have to grow, and I know you understand that. Thank you for being such a great and energetic influence.

Badeth: Gosh Badz, super nakatipid ako ngayong semester na to sa araw araw nating pagdayo sa likod ng Manila Plaza. I would definitely miss that. Good luck at maraming salamat sa pagiging tunay na kaibigan.

Kim: Kim! I wish you all the happiness! Gosh ang tagal niyo na ni Harold. I hope that you'd continue being happy with him.

Thomas: Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. All I can say to this person is he has to come out, for his closet reeks of his gayness. I wish I could help the guy, but his reason for keeping his sexuality to himself is inconsistent and invalid. Good luck sa kaniya.

Irish: Our super reliable groupmate. You have to give her props for being punctual and helpful.

Rommel: I just hope that he starts buying himself some food instead of asking for it. Hehehe.

Sara: Partner! Pasensya ka na kung nasigawan kita nung last rotation. Hehehe. I enjoyed being your partner.

Lowell: I really don't have anything to say to this guy, for he surely keeps things to himself.

Abby: To quote Leanne, "Mamamatay ka rin,". Hehehe. Joke lang seatmate! But you have to stop taking pictures of people while they're asleep!

Joy: Salamat sa pagpapahiram mo lagi sa amin ng nailcutter. Hehehe. I hope you continue being the way you are.

4. I Fell In Love

And not once, but twice! I realized that several of my previous posts were about them, and I have to stop. I'm sick, and when I'm not sick, I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of talking about them so they're definitely out of my life. But no trace of bitterness, no room for that. I am happy with all the happiness as well as the fugliness that they had brought in my life, and I'll never have it any other way. I wish them all the best.

5. I Received My Lowest GWA

Note how I used the word received. It's because it felt as though I didn't even worked hard this semester, as if this grade just fell into my lap. FEU, with all the slacking and incompetent professors that they have, dissappointed me big time. I was looking forward for serious and strict lecturers and what I got is a bunch of people who can't even exert an effort to make their voice sound less like a sleeping pill. Some of them don't even come to our class and one uses his handouts to gain money. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!

I seriously need to perk things up. And to do this I have to transfer to a new section, preferrably one which no one knows me so I'd end up being a loner. That way I will have no choice but to study.

I will definitely work like there's no tomorrow this semester. I just hope that the coordinators will grant my request.

XOXO

Jerome

-Repost- Dora the Explorer's New Look

2009-03-18T03:01:00.000-07:00

Rojo Rojo! Did I spell that right? I'm seriously not a fan, I mean come on. I can almost pull my already thinning hair off my scalp whenever my nephew would insist on changing channels to watch this stuff. But I find Dora cute for she's so, so gay! I'm having this hitch that this nephew of mine is 'the chosen one' in his generation, as I was in mine for he would rant and sing along with Dora whenever she's on.

I'm so surprised when I saw this new image of her! Talk about a major makeover! Unfortunately some people are upset. Here's the entire article from dlisted.com.

Break a Leg:

DORA THE SEXPLORER

"Dora the Explorer got a hold of some illegal Fen-phen, lost a little baby chunk, got some extensions and moved to the big city to pursue her dreams of being the biggest prostitot in the game. Mattel and Nickelodeon released this teaser image of what the new Dora is going to look like. The new whory Dora will make her big debut in the fall. I'm sure her new implants would have healed by then.

The pimps of Dora said they gave her a newer tween look, so that she can grow up with her preschool fans. One of her pimps at Mattel told the NYDN, "Girls really identify with Dora and we knew that girls would love to have their friend Dora grow up with them, and experience the new things that they were going through themselves."

Dora's new foray into skankdom has parents all fucking mad. They think Dora should stay young and innocent, because that's why girls like her ass. One parent said, "If the Dora we knew grew up, she wouldn't be a fashion icon or a shopaholic. She'd develop her map reading skills and imagine the places she could go. It's such a sell out of Dora, of all girls."

I say, whatever to Dora growing up, but she should really go see a doctor. She might have some kind of mutant growth disease, because bitch's head takes up half her body! This is some Elephant Man shit. How is Dora supposed to work the ho stroll if her big ass head keeps causing her to topple over?"

OLD DORA, NEW DORA

"When Mattel announced that they would be giving Dora the Explorer a tween makeover, mobs of parents got crazy assuming they were going to turn her into a ho fo sho. The new Dora wasn't supposed to be unveiled until the fall, but because of all the screamery Mattel released a picture of the all-new Dora.

The new Dora doesn't look like she's ready for the pole yet, but homegirl did pay a visit to the plastic surgeon's office. Bitch got a nose job, lip injections, extensions and highlights. Mattel said the tween Dora isn't wearing make-up, but that shit is full of lies. Dora's got herself some fake eyelashes and lip gloss. Also, her eyes are all sparkly. Is this bitch already on the drugs? I'm thinking E. Those glittery eyes are just begging for a glowstick light show!

How long before tween Dora's slutty MySpace pictures leak?"

I don't know about you guys but I'm loooooving her new look.

XOXO

Jerome

-Repost- Beyonce's Fans Are Dumb

2009-03-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

And I'm not ranting, okay? We're talking about a recent research here. I was browsing dlisted.com when I saw this link saying that Beyonce's fans are indeed not-so intelligent. I was actually surprised when I learned that the research was done by a Ph.D student in America.

Break a leg:

Fans of Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z also ranked poorly in terms of IQ and lovers of rapper Lil' Wayne were deemed least intelligent.

The study was carried out by Virgil Griffiths, a PhD student in America, who compared students' scores in SAT exams with their favourite music acts and genres by analysing data on social networking sites.

Those who prefer indie music are most intelligent, while pop, rock and gospel fans were all ranked at the lower end of the scale.

Fans of legendary acts like Queen, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Frank Sinatra and Bob Marley are all around average and above when it comes to intelligence, according to Griffiths.

Radiohead, U2 and Bob Dylan all have intelligent fans, he said.

Fans of Beyonce, Timberlake and Jay-Z all tended to score below 1,000 on SAT scores, with the average being a mark of 1071 out of 1600.

Fans of Beethoven were way ahead of the rest with an average score of over 1300.

On his website, musicthatmakesyoudumb, Griffith describes the results of his study as "hilarity incarnate".

He introduces the test by saying: "I've listened to artists who after listening to I thought to myself 'Wow... loving this rubbish says a lot about someone and how much they got going on in their head'. Could one's musical tastes say something about intelligence?"

Not that I'm suggesting anything,but I'm a fan of indie music and The Queen. Hahaha. My best friend is perhaps her number one fan so I hope she won't get offended. She isn't dumb after all. Hehehe. Love you Net!

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

Now that we're talking about research and stuffs, I'm so happy to note that we've got a grade of 83 for our research proposal! I'm so happy! Ahihihihi! Para akong nabunutan ng tinik!

I Wish You Well. I Hope You Survive.

2009-03-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

But I do hope you'll rot in hell after. This is the last time that I'm going to address your existence and all the fuckery that you've put me through. After this, I'm going to revel on this world that, as I now sincerely promise, will be devoid of the likes of you.

You and the rest of the cunts can join hand in hand in making others suffer because of your lies and backstabbing. Hahaha. I pity the fools who still believe in you. But I find great relief and satisfaction with the knowledge that one way or another, they'll see your colors too.

That they'll see you for who you are beneath the fake, embellished veil that you continue to parade. That they'll see through the innocent smile and witty attitude that hinders them from laying their eyes on your true nature.

I hate you. Gosh hindi ako makapaniwala that I could hate a person this much. I should give myself a tap on the back. I finally got to meet a disgusting creature like you who deserve all the hatred that I've held back for years.

Goodbye

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

That felt so effin good!

Whew! I'm glad that I was able to let that out!

At Dahil Diyan, Close na Tayo?

2009-03-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ahahahaha! Lolz. . .

What did i do?

2009-03-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

The lies, conniving and ridiculing, I tell you all, I didn't deserve that.

Shet talaga.

When Hardwork Don't Pay Off and I'm Tired. . .

2009-03-13T04:24:00.000-07:00

Bad, bad things are bound to happen. It's funny because you can give up a part of you for the sake of making things run smoothly and yet you'll end up being fucked behind.

People, people, people. Why are they all conniving to make me hate every living thing in this damned earth?! What have I done to deserve this shit? I've never stepped on anybody, taken advantage of them, bully them or lie to them and then this?!

It's so hard. I'm cracking under pressure and my emotions are getting the best of me. I've tried so, so hard to be tolerable and reliable to people but what do I effin get? It's not sunny every day of the fucking week, I know that. But this crisis is going too far. Papatay na ako ng tao.

What is so wrong with me that people would actually not choose to see me in a better light? What have I fucking done to not deserve the truth? What is so wrong with choosing to create bridges rather than destroying them? What is so wrong with being honest with myself? What is so wrong with wanting for more?

What is so wrong with me? What is so wrong in trusting me? What is so wrong in being with me? What is so wrong in telling me the truth? What is so wrong with loving me?

I don't deserve this. Wala akong ginawang masama maski kanino. Someone tell me kung meron. Naiiyak na ako.

Why would people choose to belittle my worth? I feel so worthless and unappreciated.

Grabe. They can go on. Lalamig din ang puso ko sa kanila.

XOXO

Jerome

This used to be a funhouse. But now it's filled with evil clowns.

2009-03-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

"It's time to start the countdown. I'm gonna burn it down."

I'll dance around this empty house, throw us down, throw you out.

You're once a tickle, now you're a rash.

I've called the movers
Called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble tumble house of cards

Let's burn this fucker down.

*That was a sudden surge of psychosis. hehehe. The song is from Pink. I'll decipher it later!

Hahaha!

Anong Nagyayari sa Earth?!

2009-03-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

Sana buhay pa ako after this week. Im so exhausted na talaga. The only good thing that happened is that we were finally, and I mean finally assigned to FEU Hospital. I've been looking forward to seeing the hospital since I've heard about it.

The hospital, so far, is the most sophiosticated clinical area I've been assigned to. Hindi naman siya ganun kasosyal, but given the fact that it offers services like CT Scan and MRI, pwede na rin. Not to mention na may Starbucks pa sa loob. Hehehe.

And I can't even begin to understand why they have tons of hot male students! I even doubted if I enrolled at the right branch of FEU. Kaya lang mga malalansa din, which pabor naman sa akin. Infected din sila ng Helicobakler Pylori. At ang lalandi pa!

I haven't been able to blog for the past three days for I've been living the life of luxury. Hahaha. My favorite classmate Thomas talked his uncle into allowing us to stay in his home. Since the hospital is in Fairview and our dismissal is around 11 pm, it would be impractical, if not dangerous, if we would ride for home every night. I wasn't actually sure about it for I abhor sleepovers, but I was kinda intigued by my classmates' side comments that the house was beautiful. May swimming pool at jacuzzi pa daw. So go ako! Hahaha!

And the house actually didn't dissappoint. (I'll be posting some pictures next week) Our group stayed in the masters' bedroom and I rushed in to the queen-sized be right away. We would cook our food in the evening, wake up early to prepare breakfast, swim in the pool, eat lunch and go to FEU hospital for Starbucks. Life is beautiful.

That is, if you're retarded and totally safe from the excruciating bites of reality. Grabe define toxic ang week na to. Our group was so confident that we'll be heading to our defense next week for our research, but the ever perfect and demanding professor of ours had the effin guts to reject our proposal! With one week before the end of class! Bibingo na siya sa amin! First she wouldn't attend our class, then she gave our unit exams without covering the entire syllabus in her discussions and now this! Argh! Grabe I'll strive in any way na hindi ako matulad sa kaniya! Kaloka!

At ang Parma. Wow. Ang saya ng prof namin, sumusweldo na siya kumikita pa sa sideline niya! He would come to class along with his tons of handouts, telling us that it covers all of his discussions. Kami naman tong mga tamad we'd agree na magpaxerox. We totally spent Php80 for the friggin copy of the handouts. Buti man lang sana kung maayos magdiscuss. Parang elementary lang eh. Pinapabasa niya lang row by row! Nakakainis!

And the widely feared Revalida. Hmmm. Dito mejo okay pa me. Nadadaan naman siya sa aral weh. And so far my grades for the previous ones were okay. Parehong 79. Sana man lang makatikim ako ng line of 8 tomorrow.

I thought so. The endless merry-making and slothing will come and fuck me behind at the end. Now all has come to this scary week. Add to that na nawalan ako ng wallet kagabi, kaya poor ako ngayon dahil andun ang atm ko. I just hope na makasail through man lang ako. I want to got to bicol with a light heart and without guilt.

XOXO

Jerome

I'm not that kind of gay. . .

2009-02-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hahaha! I can't help but feel pity on this guy my friend Junie introduced to me. Well, partly introduced to me. She gave the guy my number and for the past week we've been texting. I wasn't really that serious with him for I'm still sad and everything but what the heck. Kailangan ko ng libido sa buhay ko kaya gumora ako sa kaniya.

He was kinda nice at first, telling me how he balances studying and working at a call center, but things got a little bit smoky and fishy. I really heightened my expectations with the guy because he's teasing and making me chase after him. Sabi ko tuloy baka papable talaga kaya ganun. So I asked him his friendster account after I gave him my multiply url. And he wouldn't hand it over! I asked for him the second time but he stopped replying.

So I just focused on what we initially planned; a date. He asked me to go out with him at this Palawan Bar in Cubao, and I was so excited. Parang eyeball na rin. Langya dalwang taon nang di kumukulo ang mga lamang loob ko so go! Sabi ko nga the mango is overriped for the picking. Lamog na lamog na. Baka wala nang pumitas. Nyahahaha.

But he suddenly asked me kung pwede muna ba daw ko siyang pahiramin ng pera. Ew. That's the fastest lane to my trash bin. Gosh guys and biolas are so predictable. I hate them. They just can't help feeling that they are so rare and special in my world that they think people like me would jump at any chance of being with them. Argh.

I'm planning on still seeing the guy. Ayun naman ay pag nagkapera na siya. Hahaha. I wanted to see if he walks like he talks on text. And I would like him to see me. So that he'll know who's he dealing with. Baka siya pa ang pagbayarin ko. Nyahaha. May ganun!

XOXO

Jerome

The Second Closet

2009-02-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, I would love to first quote this song of Kylie, for it practically summarizes all the ideas and perceptions that I'm about to enclose in this writing.

"I'm clearing this house of the joy that I borrowed from back in the day. I threw away my old clothes, got myself a better wardrobe and I've got something to say. I'm through with the past and there ain't no point in looking back. The future will be. And did I forget to mention that I found a new direction? It leads back to me. . ."

"The mistakes that I've made have given me the strentgh, to really believe that no matter how I take it there's no way I'm gonna fake it, coz it's gotta be real. I've got nothing left to hide to hide, no reason left to fight, coz the truth's given me a new freedom inside. I'm getting rid of my desire. . ."

I would also like to express two notable lines from Lauryn Hill's classic song that never fails to make me shiver in fear. . .

"Beware the false motives of others. Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers. . ."

"It took me a little while to discover. Wolves in sheepcoats who pretend to be brothers. . ."

And as a reminder, my site and everything there is to it has always been about me, though I might mention the existence of other people.

I believe that there’s nothing sweeter in life than having the chance of being the captain of a body. Not only will you be able to grasp on the wonders of dear earth, you would also have the chance of standing beside billions and billions of people, and still come out as different.

No matter how you talk and what you speak of, how you dress and what you intend to show, how dark your skin is and what others think of it and how you were born and what you have become; all of this weaves into a single core that in every way is incomparable to that of the others; it’s the special and unique you.

I can only smile in satisfaction and sigh with great sense of accomplishment as I recount how I was just two years ago, and how I fought people and their beliefs to protect mine.

Being just a newbie sent out from the province to pursue life in a different light, I was scared that people won’t accept me for simply being the way I was, a gay person. So what I did was to let my stand in life be consumed by their collective perception. I became a robot that only functions according to how the society sees fit. I was forced back into the lonely and sad space in the closet that I thought I discarded permanently.

It’s funny recalling that the same element of society that made me believe that hiding and striving to change are the only way to be tolerated, is the same element that pressured me to accept myself as it is; the people.

If you would let yourself be vulnerable to their eyes, they would use your kindness as ammunition to make you believe that you’re unlovable, disgusting and worthless. It’s a deed too common to human beings. Their narrow perceptions lead them to believe that putting others down is the only way to elevate themselves.

So I relieved my grip and stood my ground. I swore that never will my life be defined by the also flawed and tainted beliefs of others. I came out of the closet again, and I realized that there really is no coming back, not after I break through it and see that life that is freed from shackles and chains is indeed breath-taking and beautiful. I became a deviant through the eyes of many, and a true and happy person to that of some. But I was never bothered by it.

I continued living my life the way it’s supposed to be lived since then. Then the light that for a long time has guided me started to become dim. The ecstasy that freedom has given me has started to wear off and make me feel alone and sad. Everything started to become familiar. I was in a closet again.

The last thing that I believed would do me harm is the one that lead me to the familiar place again; myself along with the constant need to exhibit and feel superior and dignified. Being already different, I thought that I was overly special that I refused to compromise to everything, especially to the thought of being with someone.

I could explain everything better with some references to my previous post.

“I'm selfish. Prideful. Your typical cold bitch. I wouldn't even lift a finger to please others. I, in any way, do not allow myself to show even a hint of whatever it is that I'm feeling towards a person. Whenever I let something slips off, I would end up cursing myself and feeling bad, ashamed. You might find it crazy but it is me in the raw. I'm full of shit. I look for the ideal man in everybody, ignoring that they're human, not some clay that you can mold into whatever idea of perfection you have in mind. That's given the fact that in the first place, I think I'm not even capable of reciprocating the same devotion that I seek.“

-from “I Fall for a Girl”-

“Love life? It's the least of my worries, that's if could even exert an effort to worry. Once was enough. I even promised to myself that I will never compromise and settle for a relationship. I would never lift a finger to please anyone. For as I always say, my happiness is never defined by whether or not I have someone beside me. That's why for years I've been single.”

“That's being hateful, I think. I'm contented with having a crush on someone. But to take it further? It freaks me out. I already made peace with the inevitable; I'll be alone for the rest of my life.”

-from “I’m a Cold Bitch”-

I made one promise to myself. I'll never compromise. For I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, than settle for something that, given my sexuality, is so fragile and elusive. I'll never commit to any relationship, if I can help it.

-from “Tomorrow Morning”-

“Every part of me is telling me to take the first move and talk to you. I'm sure it could have lead to one thing or another, but I can't allow that to happen. It's because I made peace with what inevitably will come to me, utter loneliness. I'm not that kind of gay who still believes that their gonna end up in somebody's waiting arms or their so-called knight in shining armor will come and save them from the wicked and unforgiving world they lurk in. I know that some if not many gays still live to see that happy ending fulfilled, but I know that I'm not one of them. That might sound stupid but I know wholeheartedly that it's true.”

-from “One Night in Dolce”

This has been me. My insides were made of true and stony dignity. I can’t help but laugh. I don’t know whether to be happy because I’m over with this chapter of my life, or be regretful because I’m not as strong as this version of Jerome anymore. I have changed in unimaginable magnitude in such short time because of the many realizations that had taken me in.

I read a book that said that dignity is something that people invented to make themselves look better. I realized that it rings true to me. People who are so dignified may disagree, but in the deepest chamber of their conscience, if they have it, they know it’s true. We exhibit how intelligent and untouchable we are because we know that by doing so, people will think highly of us and we’ll gain admiration. For if we would exhibit that we are reachable and relatable, we wouldn’t be noticed. That’s why people will go as far as they can to show others that they are far different than they already are.

This is the second closet that I burned on the full conviction that it hinders me from the person that I want to be. I am special; I don’t need to be a poser to prove that. Nor do I need the approval of others.

I’m happy that I’m back. I could feel the familiar experience of relief. I’m out of the closet again. I know that in the future I would be enclosed. But I would break each closets down with enthusiasm, knowing that at the end of the last closet awaits a person of great radiance and beauty; the ideal me.

XOXO

Jerome

How do I get better once I've had the best?

2009-02-22T23:54:00.000-08:00

Brix: Don't worry, I'll find you one.

Jerome: What exactly do you mean by the word 'one'?

Brix: I'll find you a guy.

Jerome: Why, can't you be that guy? Hehe. Just suggesting. . .

Brix: Me? I can't be your guy. Ayoko ng commitment eh.

I was watching over my baby nephew this day. The boy was just learning how to walk, so I have to guide him as I make my way occasionally to either fix him a bottle of milk or change his diapers. I thought of seeing how far he is from completely learning how to walk, so I tried letting him go. Just as I thought that he was doing well, after a few steps, he fell flat on his butt. I gasped loudly and he ended up glancing over me, smiling as if he wasn't hurt at all. I stared at him for a long time, and for all the things that I would have felt, all I experienced was a sincere pity for myself.

I wish everything that you have to learn in this world can be as simple as walking. Sure that bruises are inevitable, but there is a definite assurance that you'll get over it and move on. And I wish I have the same fighting spirit just like my nephew. I wish that for every stumble that I do, I'd have the guts to look at the people around me and smile, even if it's for the sake of saving my pride. That's been the case for the past years. Now's different.

The thing is that it's kinda rare for me to really like a person, much more do something about it. True that I have tons and tons of crushes, but I wouldn't even flinch even if they come face to face with me. This rarity took a whole new meaning. I really, really liked the guy. I remember the last time I fell hard on a guy. I suddenly realized that I'm being foolish, so what I did was to confront my inner demons and within a week, I was triumphant of completely erasing the memory of the guy. I recently just came to the same realizations, the thought of being foolish, so I decided to end it. But the same cannot be said with how I'm doing now.

I was so relief with the introspection that I'm not broken hearted. But now I wish I was. I wish the guy ripped heart and stepped on it. Sana binaboy niya. So much na wala nang matitira sa akin, but the promise of vengeance. Para naman may reason ako para magmove-on. But now, how can I even think of getting to a better place when the guy left my life the way it was before?

Now I'm just sad. That's not reason enough to pick yourself and move forward. I don't know what to do.

Hay sabi ni Henzen wag daw akong magpaka-emo. Bata pa daw kami at marami pang dadating sa buhay namin. I don't want to be too much of a drama queen, but what if the right person just passed me by?

I can't blame myself for this. I tried. I offered myself completely to his feet, that now it kills me with the knowledge that I wasn't anything to him. Wala. I'm just one of those people who took an interest with him and those that he managed to shove away.

But move forward it is. I can't dwell on something that I can't have. Nor can I fill myself with false hopes with it. I have to leave something for myself, even if that is the sin of pride.

This is so saddening, moving forward even if you know that you don't want to. I hope I'd get over it by testing the waters. . .

XOXO

Jerome

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How I Survived the Catastrophe that Was Valentines

2009-02-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

I’m beginning to think I’m growing backwards. Not physically though for my waistline says otherwise. It’s just that things that didn’t matter are starting to be important. Like this day that they call Valentine’s Day. Before I would secretly laugh when I see people carrying bouquet of roses or humungous teddy bears. For I find it really stupid how people suddenly get excited and romantic over a course of a day. But now that I’m 20 years old, I’m the one who’s desperate on making this Valentines memorable. I should be giving myself a hard BDSM tap on the back. I'm becomeing less and less mature.

I think the reason why I had this sudden interest is that I had been mooning over a person weeks before Valentines. To cut the effin nasty story short, it didn’t end the way I hoped it would. I was hoping on spending the day with the guy and I had these crazy plans on how I intend to celebrate heart’s day with him, that when I realized that it’s not happening I was in a serious crisis. Seriously! I told myself that there’s no way I’m gonna spend Valentines locked up in my room again watching DVD’s, reading novels or roaming the mall on my own. So I worked my butt off and planned to see myself “among the crowd” this Valentine’s Day.

Now I decided to blog the account of everything that happened on the suddenly special day. I find everything that happened magical, though it only swayed my attention from the solitude that’s been depressing me for a while.

I woke up 4:30 in the morning of Valentine’s Day because of the punishing coldness inside St Rita’s room at Mary the Queen Maternity and General Hospital Foundation Incorporation. Who effin named that Hospital? Anygays I was in duty from 7 pm to 7 am. We’re supposed to be taking vital signs, charting our patients or assisting in a surgery but because the hospital was so benign, our cool C.I. told us to sleep, much to our delights.

Instead of fixing myself I went out of the room and slept on the table I found there. I came inside the room at 5:30 and found my groupmates buzzing around preparing to go home. I just came out of the bathroom when Leanne (the January Starty girl) approached me with this teddy bear, greeting me with a Happy Valentine’s Day. What I did is to act as if I’m about to punch the effin toy. I don’t want to see any of those stuffs! Hahaha. It makes me more insecure and sad.

There’s no reason for me to believe that Leanne was serious, until she took this letter made up of little hearts and gave it to me. The stuff toy was from my group mates. They bought me one because they knew I’m spending Valentines alone. I can’t help myself to get teary eyed even now that I’m typing this. I was plainly surprised, my cold heart melted. I was such in a negative field that morning because none of my friends have greeted me yet. I’m that serious on making the day special. Then my groupmates started that day in a way that I myself could not even think of nor ask for more. I read the letter and I was really genuinely touched. True that it all has the clichés like “everything has its time”, “huwag ka nang malungkot” and the stuffs but it meant so much to be reminded that everything will be okay. Haaaaay. I love my group mates.

I was in euphoria when our leader for the day Thomas came in and told us that we’re going to have a quiz. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. He’s a person of such great complications and inner conflicts. I’m intending to write a blog about him to celebrate his existence, but now I’m contented in recalling that the night before, we two had a dance showdown. He told us kasi that he was a member of a dance troop. Now may pagka barbera kasi ang mahadera so we talked him to proving it to us by competing with me. I wager that I can give you one of the most bizarre experiences of your life when you see that boy dance. We were supposed to be dancing “Single Ladies” but he totally morphed it to a different dance, and not in a good way. To sum up his dancing, I can say that I was reminded of a chicken when I saw him dance. No, an old chicken.

Now back to the quiz. Good thing that my groupmates also bought a teddy bear for our C.I. She immediately realized what we wanted in return so she decided on postponing the quiz. On our way home we stopped at this eatery and took our breakfast. I spent the rest of the trip listening to Adele. I’m so addicted to her tracks! I love “Right as Rain”, “Cold Shoulder”, “Make You Feel My Love”, at ang hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maget-over na song “Chasing Pavements”. I’m addicted to her as I was with Amy Winehouse. Mga songs na lang niya ang pinapatugtog ko sa itouch ko.

I came home around 10 and I decided to waste some time playing Jojo’s

Fashion Show. I was debating on whether to start reading “Horse Whisperer” or take a nap when my good friend Henzen texted me and said that the deadline for his work was extended. He’s a fellow member of mine from the Lamp. It’s kinda weird that I’m saying that given the fact that me finally being a member of our Institute’s publication hasn’t occurred to me yet. It’s still surreal, suddenly being surrounded by studious and intelligent people. Anygays, Henzen told me that he has no ‘dress’ for our night out.

It was inevitable that the main highlight for the day was to go clubbing. Grabe ang tagal ko nang hindi nakapagbar kaya ginamit ko talaga lahat ng koneksyon ko.

I decided to help Henzen find a look for our night-out. We met at SM Manila at 3 pm and immediately started browsing. We saw this nice shirt from F&H and I told him to try it on. Grabe ang daming magkakasamang lalake nung araw nay un. I don’t want to get too suspicious or anything, but what the hell are they doing shopping for clothes and helping each other try it on like what Henzen and I did? That didn’t come out right. Hahaha. People were actually looking at us because we’re so noisy. Whenever I come out of the fitting room I would be stared at. I’m like, hindi kami talo so cut it out.

After looking for clothes at other shops, Henzen decided on buying the shirt that we saw at F&H. We then chose to eat at Mcdo where Henzen shared to me ‘some’ secrets of his. Goshes iniwan mo na talaga ako Henzen. Next level ka na! Hahaha.

I went home at 6 and started preparing myself for the main event. I was told that I was included in the guest lists of two bars: Ascend and Embassy. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never been to bars like that. Mas at home ako sa Timog eh. And there I was helping a friend fix an attire when I haven’t decided yet on what to wear. After much thought, for this day is friggin special, I chose to wear a simple long sleeved shirt. I always go for simplicity. Hehehe.

I arrived at our meeting place in P. Campa at about 9 pm. I was waiting for my good friend Alma when I received her text saying that she’s in a taxi nearby, and that she can’t get out because she’s too embarrassed because of how she was dressed. And she has every right to feel so. Hahaha. Bonggang bongga talagang pang emba ang suot niya. We pulled in a cab and told the driver the direction to our former classmate Frances’ dorm. Goshes isa rin siya. Para kaming naghahanap ng away dahil sa mga damit namin.

After picking up Henzen along Pantranco, we headed to the main meeting

place along Quezon Avenue. I was told that our group will be around 33, to my surprise. I’m really not into meeting new friends and being surrounded with so many people that you just met, but I guess I can make an exception for that day. We spent almost two hours catching up with each other before we finally decided to set out for embassy.

Now here’s the big effin problem. In order for your free pass to be honoured, you must present a valid id that proves that you are the one in the guest list. My school id, my only id, was confiscated several months ago because of improper haircut. I was hoping that they would acknowledge my nameplate so I brought it with me.

When we arrived at Embassy I was totally in awe. Ang daming tao and they are all in their best look. We decided to go to Ascend first. I was relieved that the management considered my nameplate! The place was quite big and the lightings were good. And I love, love the music that they were playing. I would have loved to stay but my friends decided to go to embassy already.

I wasn’t allowed in. That’s all there is to it. It’s a shame because I really wanted to go there. They wouldn’t even allow me to just pay for the entrance instead because they really require an id. So what some of us did was to go back to Ascend to party. I was so grooving to the music that they were playing! I have no plans of going home drunk but I can’t help myself. I ordered three beers and it’s what took me to get my head fucked up. I was so dizzy and at the same time I can’t help myself from dancing. I keep bumping and apologizing to the people around me. Gosh I can’t even recall some of the things that happened there.

I was completely on high when Henzen suggested that we dump the place for Government. I unconsciously said yes and at 2 am we’re making our way to the number one LGBT club in the Philippines. I keep saying that, don’t I? It’s just that I admire the place and its people so much. People like me are always made feel welcomed. I was so looking forward for the next time I’d get the chance to be there, preferably sober so that I’ll make a composed impression. But I was so too drunk! I can’t even see clearly. I almost fell flat on my back when we were paying for the entrance fee. I entered the main room but I can barely see anything. Something in the stage caught my attention that I have to clear my eyes for a second look. And it was all good. Hahaha.

They hired four male models garbed as cupid! And yep, they’re shirtless. Henzen and I made our way closer to the stage where some of his friends were waiting. Gosh I was so drunk that I didn’t even feel embarrassed to just stand in front of the models and watch them dance. The next thing I knew I was being dragged by a stranger to the dance floor. And dance we did!

One thing I regret on coming to Goverment was coming drunk. Nagmukha tuloy akong pakawala. Someone was poking at me but I didn’t even bother to look. Pavirgin pa rin ako maski lasing, wala na akong magagawa dun. Hehehe.

It was around 4 am when Henzen and I decided to come home. We smiled at each other after having celebrated Valentines with such a blast, without the need of a lover.

It took me four pages to recount the events of this special day. I would have written more but I got tired. That’s ironic given the fact that I consider my life monotonous. But reading this post, seeing the people around me and their affection and all the simple joys of life that we often ignore because we are deprived of a special person, make me feel like hating myself. I’m afraid of being lonely, that’s true. But I didn’t even consider other options of avoiding that fate. I thought that the only way to be happy is through the loving arms of a lover. I didn’t know that all along, I was enthusiastic about my life.

And when that one person finally find me, he would find a strong person who, among other things, is happy.

It was Rihanna!!!

2009-02-10T02:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh! So that's why they didn't attend the Grammys! Rihanna was the girl who allegedly got a beatdown from Chris Brown! Nagrhyme pa hahaha!

Chris Brown was supposed to deliver a performance yesterday at the Grammys. But police reports said that they're holding him in custody for questioning. It was said that Chris Brown was turned in for beating a woman. Never in my wildest dream have I thought that it was Rihanna!

Reports said that the singer's injuries are "horrific". Sources said that Rihanna has two swelled up contusions on her forhead and that her lip is split. Not the effin forehead! Chris Brown should have left that alone! It was also said that Rihanna has bite marks all over her shoulder and fingertips. And that her nose is bloody messy. I'm about to weep! But I'm not a fan so I won't.

Gosh Chris and Rihanna looked so good together! Sayang talaga. . .

XOXO

Jerome

The 2009 Grammys + Winners

2009-02-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

Grabe hindi talaga ako pumasok para lang mapanood ko siya. It was aired live at 9 am this morning and since I'm always waiting anticipating it every year I just can't pull myself away.

So far it's one of the better grammy awards show that I've seen. I find the performance line-up quite refreshing (I'm gonna be posting some of my favorite performances from the show later, if I find them in youtube). Jennifer Hudson returned with a very moving performance. Made me cry a bit. I'm not a fan of The Jonas Brothers but their performance with Stevie Wonder was surprisingly not annoying. And I love, love, love Justin Timberlake's duet with Al Green! With all the dance record that Justin's been releasing it's easy to forget that the guy has great, soulful vocals. I was really surprised with his performance. I also found myself singing along Coldplay as they rendered "Lost" and "Viva la Vida".

But of course, and that's because I'm bias, Adele's duet with Sugarland was one of my favorite along with that of Jennifer. She effin won the best new artist! I'm so happy for her. I would have preferred Duffy but her hold on the category is obviously strong, given the fact that her song "Chasing Pavements" (I can't get over this record! Adele's a genius!) is nominated as record and song of the year. She also won the best pop vocal performance for the same record.

Okay, majority of my bets didn't win. I kinda overlooked the powerhouse of Robert Plant and Alysson Krauss. They took home a total of five grammys, including 2 of the 4 most prestigous ones, Album of the Year and Record of the Year. But my bet Coldplay bagged the award for Song of the Year. I was wishing secretly that "Chasing Pavements" will win instead, but "Viva la Vida" is just too strong a contender.

Alicia Keys! Gosh why did I doubt her?! She won best r&b vocal performance for "Superwoman", winning against my bet, Jennifer Hudson for "Spotlight". My bet John Meyer also won the best male pop vocal performance for his record "Say". And I'm so happy for Duffy! True that she didn't take home the best new artist award, but she bagged the award for best pop vocal album!

I'm so happy for my idols! Especially for my britons, Adele and Duffy! I so can't wait for the next Grammys! Uhm that would be atleast 365 days from now. Huhuhu. . .

XOXO

Jerome

Winners:

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Raising Sand, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

RECORD OF THE YEAR
''Please Read The Letter,'' Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

SONG OF THE YEAR
''Viva La Vida,'' Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion & Chris Martin, songwriters

BEST ROCK ALBUM
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, Coldplay

BEST R&B ALBUM
Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson

BEST RAP ALBUM
Tha Carter III, Lil Wayne

BEST NEW ARTIST
Adele

BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
''Rich Woman,'' Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

BEST COUNTRY PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
''Stay,'' Sugarland

BEST MALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE

"Say", John Mayer

This list isn't complete. Here's the link if you want to see the complete list:

http://rockonthenet.com/archive/2009/grammys.htm

Get Me Outta Here

2009-02-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

You know the saying, "Realizations come even if you think that you're in no need of it"? What, you're saying that there's no such thing? Well there should be! I don't care if it sounds stupid, uncreative and without the excruciating rhymes for it sounds true to me now. It'll definitely replace my most favorite quote, "God Knows Hudas Not Pay". Oh di ba bongga?

Now this post is my throwback to this genius classmate of mine, Leanne. I was kinda inspired by her "January Starty" post that I decided to make a similar post of my own. Every month she posts realizations about love and people. Nainggit ako kaya nakigaya na rin ako. I hope she doesn't mind though.

These are the things that I realized for the past two months. It's kinda hard to narrow it down to a single post. I had hinted some of them in my previous entries so if you have long leisure time reading my blogs you'd be able to read between the lines. Here goes effin nothing!

-LOVE-

1. I realized that I'm no cold bitch after all, nor a coward. Kaya ko palang ibigay ang sarili ko ng buong buo, so much that it leaves me vulnerable.

2. I have a very strict and strong personality, but I fall in love easily.

3. I could offer pala my delicate pride, dreams and hopes to a person's feet on a silver platter. That's weird because given how selfish I am, I couldn't even afford giving a piece of my silver platters, for it's too fragile. Okay I'm trying so hard to be poetic now I'm just plain stupid. Next!

4. I have the tendency to be obsessive when I fall for a person. Hehe. Kasi naman, it's not everyday that I find a person of the same interest and ideas. Finding that kind of person and feeling intimacy towards him is kinda rare for me, kaya I try my best not to let the guy out of my grasp. Untimong goodnight na quote na lang pinagiisipan ko pa talaga ng mabuti. Minsan naiisip ko bakit hindi na lang ako magkagusto sa isang hampas lupa that way hindi na ako mahihirapan. Joke!

5. I also realized that I am very particular with the intellectual and personal aspect of a person, but not with the gender. But that doesn't make me bisexual, okay? Hahaha. As I've said my preferences for a lover can almost touch the sky, so finding them in an actual person can get messy. I fall for a girl, because she has the very core of the guy that I'm looking for. Good thing that I got over it na. It took every muscle in me to repress what it was that I felt for her.

6. I now believe in soulmates, at naniniwala din ako na buhay pa ang aking soulmate at hindi pa siya nasagasaan, as I thought he might have been. I'm so excited to be with him. Hehehe.

7. Being unselfish is not the measure of true love. There will come a point that you would exhaust everything that you could hand freely, that continuing it will kill you. What's the sense of being unselfish if the first person na pagkakaitan mo ng love is yourself?

7. Lastly for the love sector, I realized that I deserve to be loved. My conviction to that is so full that it enlightens me. I thought I'm gonna get old alone, but that is changing. It's just that I'm in a wrong age group. What this age group generally wants is someone who they can be with for the sake of having a special someone and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm looking for a different thing and I'll be constantly waiting until that person whose willing to share that with me arrive. :-)

-LIFE-

1. I have two personalities that are now strangling one another to take over. Hehe. This might sound crazy so I beg you to level with me. They have resurfaced in my previous entries, if you haven't noticed. I write letters to them which are mostly in apologies for failing them.

One is named Adia. She is an ego of pristine and delicate pride and dignity. She's the one who always want high scores in quizzes, one who wants to be looked at with amazement and admiration and one who simply never cares as long as her true aspirations in life remain untouched. She's the one who has been inside of me for the longest time and the reason why I never want to settle for a relationship, unless of course that's true in nature for her.

Both of my egoes have flaws, and hers is that her pride is consuming her. Because she never wants to show even the hint of weakness, she has sent her host in solitude for a long time.

The other is Adelaide, the one that just awakened from her deep slumber not a month ago. She's the more friendly, compromising and fun person. She loves going to bars and meeting new people. And she's the one that sucked all the intimacy that Adia continues to deny. And there lies her tragedy.

Because Adia is the one taking me over most of the time, she rarely gets the slant of love. Her deprivation of this need is too damaging that she craves for even even just the hint of intimacy. And because of that she was hindered to see the truth that awaits her for she readily gives her trust and affection without the simple innate way of thinking.

2. This is my last realization: I'm not good at writing! And this realization has to happen now that I'm in the LAMP, the official publication of the Institute of Nursing. I think I said that I'm a writer from LAMP at least twenty times last night as I interviewed some people in FEU for my part in the article.

Nakakapanliit ang mga people sa org na yun. Puros pala sila mga pilot. Gosh. I was like, what am I doing here? Pinabilang ko nga sa aking friend na si Henzen yung pulse rate ko and it was like 110. Hahaha. Grabe kasi nakakahiya talaga.

Anygays I can't do anything about it anymore. Nangyari na. Hahaha. All I can do is to give them the commitment and cooperation that I promised. But I so wish to have an article under my name published! That would top all of my previous wet dreams! I'd kill for that!

XOXO

Jerome

I Come into Your Folds Again

2009-02-03T02:46:00.000-08:00

To Adia

I was wrong to have left you astray, unnourished, and unappreciated. I forgot, because of my lapse judgement, that it had always been you and me, and even if its like that, I had always been happy. I always had looked and enjoyed at simplest joys of life. I never needed anyone else. For you were always there from the moment I leave my empty room to the time I find it empty again when I come home.

I realized that I delve into the greatest complication in life, something that we both knew we had to avoid, but because of my desire to change and try something, I didn't even perceive its potential toll on me. I was so happy at first with Adelaide, but we both knew that we're heading somewhere hopeless and uncharted. We knew so little, but that didn't even scared us, in fact, it made us curious. It made us yearn for the peculiar warmth that we didn't even hold back in pursuing it. We thought we could continue doing it happily.

But we were completely devoured by our lust for it. We grow inhuman as we continously bathe in its light and glory. I grow worrisome and ugly by the day, that I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It was the same thing we experienced with the coming of that gypsy, we grew selfish and hungry.

I forgot to appreciate my life as it is. I allowed myself to let a person be the center of my world. Which was something you knew was disastrous, for above anyone else, you're the one who lived in me the longest. You know ever inch of me, all of my hopes and dreams. And you know of my selfishness. I hear your laugh as I fight this trait of mine and try to convince myself that I could give myself without wanting something in return. You knew it was impossible. But I wanted to prove you wrong, I wouldn't want that kind of life for myself. I don't want to be self-centered. I don't want to be alone.

Yet you proved me wrong again. For as I once yearn for Adelaide, I know yearn for you. I wanted to have the endless sea of pride and dignity come rushing through me again. I so long to ravel on it. I wanted to be the same old lone wolf that I was, that I will always be. I longed to listen to our song, the one that reminds us that we should learn to be our one companion. That we should never dram that out in the world there are arms to hold us. Though I shiver at the thought, your mere presence makes things seem right.

I cannot promise you anything. Adelaide will be in a deep slumber but I know she would be awaken again. I'll never put an end to that possibility, knowing her now. But we will be happy, this I promise you, for a very long time.

It's time to regain our dignity and pick up the pieces.

I now step forward. This is our battlecry.

From

Jerome

I'm Scared

2009-01-29T02:06:00.000-08:00

Just moments ago I was on the verge of running. I needed an escape. I badly neeed a computer in front of me so that I can pour all the emotions and confusions that had been punishing me this whole day. I needed to be in my domain.

I'm a complete asshole. What's more shameful than that is that I needed Aurora to pound hard on me in order to realize it. I thought I was doing the right thing, for I have good intentions. But I guess having that isn't good enough.

It wasn't days ago when I started being so euphoric with everything. From waking up, taking a shower, eating my breakfast, riding the LRT, going to school and coming home, I did in such a different light. I've never been so relief and happy for a long time.

It's because I came out of my second closet. I thought I couldn't be happier when I admitted to the whole world two years ago that I was gay. I thought there's nothing else that I have to do. I have freed myself from the tight grip of social standards and norms, and because of that, I felt that there's nothing else that I can't do.

Two years after that I proved myself wrong. I realized that redefining moments in life never cease on coming. Opportunities will constantly rain on you, to make yourself a better and happier person. But you have to be brave enough to realize such opportunities, or else they will just pass you by.

That's what I did. I openly told a guy how much I like him. It took every ancient guts, repressed emotions and will in me to pull it off. But pull it off I did. And it proved to be so rewarding.

Everyday seems like a new day, after that. I was always smiling, texting my friends, being nice and corteous, crossing the street without being impatient and without ranting on how long it's taking the red light to flash, everything. It's like I'm a new person.

I started the friendship with him by being honest, so I thought that continously doing it is the right thing. Ever since then I always made sure that I'm exerting efforts to make him feel special. I'm thinking of him everytime, imagining ways to please him and make him happy, even if it's through text messages. I never wanted anything in return, not even his replies, for the mere fact that he never complains about me being annoying and bothersome is enough. That meant the world to me.

I thought everything was okay when I suddenly had this sudden introspection, do I know the guy? I was constantly reminding him that I fell for him when I met him at a corridor last week. That his meekness, silence and the way he stood made me moon over him. But that was the thing that hit me in the face. I was already making assumptions about him already and that's making me admire him. I didn't take the time to get to know him first and rushed everything like I'm gonna die tomorrow. I limited the space. All these realizations are killing me.

I'm so sad. All this time I thought I was talking to him, but I was merely talking to myself. I was always the one who keeps on talking through text, that I forgot to listen. Never once was he the one who inititated a conversation. All he did was to give feedback to my constant bugging. Sabi nga ni Aurora, "Binabakuran mo siya eh. Nakakasakal ka,".

I never intended to do that, but unconsciously nagawa ko. Now I'm at risk of destroying even the chance of friendship, which was, I realized, the first thing that I wanted in the first place.

I don't know. I really, really like him. I'm so sad talaga. . .

Are You Effin Kidding Me?!

2009-01-23T23:37:00.000-08:00

I'm so frustrated this past week and it's because of more than one reason. First, I couldn't get a passing mark on my Pain and Surgery quizzes. And I've been coughing my life out of me for more than a week after that exhausting duty rotation at San Nicholas Health Center that I was almost certain I was infected with TB. Worst and I mean worst is when I received the biopsy results of my father. I don't even want to talk about it for it worries me so much and I can't even smile every time I remember it. (You'd get well tay. It's not serious, it'll never be. Don't worry we'll get through this together. We love you.)

But the cherry on top of this seemingly endless punishments is my search for the damn application for LAMP, our official institute publication! I was so worried that I threw all of my chances and hardwork when I missed their general assembly or something like that. I was texted to attend it but I have a lecture during that time and I just can't pull myself away. After that day I was so depressed for nothing is going right. I exhausted all of my connections and efforts just to submit three articles for the application early last year, that the mere thought of it amounting to nothing saddens me.

But now I received the application form. The application form would have sufficed. I don't need anything else. But the fate won't let me have it for they also sent me some tasks that are so! I can't even think of a word. Just check it for yourself:

hello po

attached here is the application form for The Lamp. Kindly accomplish and submit it to us personally.

in behalf of the editorial Board, here is the task you need to do.

1. Find the full names of the following editors:

Editor-in-Chief

Associate Editors

Managing Editor

News Editor

Features Editor

2. here are their cellphone numbers arranged randomly. you can text them:

09267536469

09159057921

09152114354

09161268761

09052599573

09277002090

3. write their positions, full names at the end of the application form. let them sign beside their name.

4. be ready for a brief interview.

5. submit your form to the last editor you will find.

Good Luck!

May The Lamp be with you...

Hmmmm. May the LAMP be with you? That sounds like the tag line from Star Wars. If that's so then I wish I could step into the dark side!

Gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my effin gosh. I'm so not good at interacting! When I was told that there were certain tasks to be accomplished I anticipated that they'd ask the aspiring members to write some friggin articles and essay. That's what's suppose to be right? Or am I alone in this peculiarity? Am I suddenly applying for a new season of the Amazing Race? No, probably not. I'm too fat for that.

I don't know what I'm gonna do! I so wanted to do something different and perhaps awesome on my last year in FEU but this is way out of my element.I can't even begin why they just won't let me write! I so wanted to do it! Arrrrrggggh!

Hmmmm. Anygays I hope I'm still alive after this, for I'm still gonna do it. Good luck sa akin. Humanda sila!

XOXO

Jerome

Turbulence

2009-01-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

To Adelaide:

I realized many things today, my very old friend. You're right. We all have weakness and flaws, things that we fight so hard in our everyday lives to overcome. But never have I looked at mine in such a different light. What if all of my efforts to bury the fragile person in me had all been for nothing? What if the person I've been wanting to be all this time is the same person that experienced being hold-up, the same person that sometimes fail his exams, flank with men and the same person who ravels at his solitude?

I've been very unfair to myself. I've been very unfair to you. I have everything in me to make both of us happy. But instead I let the smokes of collective beliefs and standards cloud that. I thought I needed to be excellent in everything that I do that it brings so much frustration when I failed to do so. I never realized that I can be excellent in a very fulfilling way through my own eyes and my own judgement, without the approval of others and their norms. I thought compromising myself for the sake of friendship and for 'keeping things stable' would do me good in the end. Instead I experienced being manipulated, laughed at and taken advantage of because of this. I forgot the true nature of men, my dear friend, that they often take your kindness for weakness.

And worse, I broke a hard promise. And I think it's the reason why you're suffering. I thought I needed someone beside me to make me feel happy.

I remember how both of us walked through the temptations and negativities that were trying to stray us away from finding the true measure and meaning of happiness. I look at you and I knew that everything would be all right. I promised to you that we will never settle for superficial happiness, that we will try to find true love and joy from the simplest to the most extravagant happenings in life. Because of this we became happy, but of course never contented. We would'nt want to feel that would we? We would always want to continue to reach for the top. But we promised each other that we will do it with love and happiness in our hearts.

Our homing instinct were built. We became accustomed to our seemingly monotonous life.

Then it happened. We fall in love. I let you fall in love. In a wrong way. Because of this our peace was disturbed. You, who have not experienced the warmth of lust and love for ages was consumed by its sudden passion, that you became reckless and agressive. You didn't know that deep within you lurks a pool longingness and of rage, that you jump for every chance of love, not knowing what awaits at you. This continous cycle left you spoiled and sored. I allowed your sickness flow through my consciousness and let you control me. Because of that, we sought love, but not in our ideal way.

We sought love selfishly, for our own satisfaction and joy. And for that we got nothing in return. Following that everything we built carefully and with innocence came tumbling down in our very own eyes. The good friends, the tangible and bright future and our strong yet humble dignity. We can't even look at the simplest joys of life with the same enthusiasm anymore. It's because we felt how good loving somebody is, even though it's just a mirage, just a mere hint of what we truly seek.

Our concept of true happiness was stolen from us. We can't stand on our own feet and say that our happiness is never defined by whether or not we have someone beside us. That banner had long been torn and surrendered. Everything not related to intimacy just pass in front of our eyes, even the things that fulfill our beings before. Everything, is falling into pieces that I'm having a hard time judging which to save or catch.

I wish I never put myself out there for the sake of 'trying new things'. We've always been happy, you and I, until we got bored of our routine and dared to be somebody else.

I realized, my dear friend, that I've been weak a body for you. I have to pick up the pieces and be the body and the person we both want to be. And it all begins now. I do not promise to you that I'm not going to fall in love again. We both know now how it feels. But I promise you that we won't be slaves of love anymore. We will not crave and be a glutton of its light, no matter how immense it is. We will stay composed and guarded, all the while seeking love and maintaining our beliefs, as your wounds heal.

Your Body

Jerome

And the wails came again. . .

2009-01-16T22:48:00.000-08:00

To Jerome:

It’s been a long time since you stepped into my realm and listened, my beloved. So long that I can almost gasp at what’s keeping me to not raise my hand and choke the life out of you. For it wouldn’t have made any difference. You’re already dead.

Dead as the maple leaves that flutter in rhythm with the cold blowing winds of November. Dead as a lone boat floating towards wherever the tides of time send it amidst the unending sea. But you are far worst. Your death reeks as you walk, sleep and live, that I wonder why the claws of the devil have not yet opened the earth beneath your feet and consume you.

You, yet again, have failed me. It’s not an expression of disgust or surprise. It’s a mere acknowledgement. For I’ve known all along that however hard I pound on you, you would go back to your ways. Damn you and your homing instinct. Why not do it again? It’s only been a year since you tried it. Maybe you could find peace after, for you are paving hell after hell with what you’re doing now.

Well, at least, let me do my job. I have come again because I thought I heard your

heart beat, and I feel a familiar warmth. So Jerome, as a proud gay advocate and aspiring nurse, what have you been up to?

Nothing much, I would say. You’re still on that damn lane of parading what you call the ‘real you’. Hahaha. How long have you been doing that? For it’s becoming old fashioned. What would it take me to finally shed the light and let you see perhaps even a glimpse, that the reflection you see in the mirror is not you, but that of a selfish, vain, cruel, stone-hearted, proud phantom that you’ve been trying to be all these time, and whose secretly been laughing at you?

What are you doing, setting up standards for you to follow that are either too high or too stupid? Going against the law of nature by limiting and depriving yourself with the needs of your soul? Ranting on what you don’t have instead of being thankful for the things really make the real you?

And worst, what are you doing, shooting down every damn chance of love and happiness? Turning your face away, even though your cold skin yearns for the warmth of its light? There you go, spreading health and love to communities and hospitals, but you can’t even nourish your soul with what it has been yearning for.

I know my old friend, I know, it’s not pride. In the depths of your heart and soul you know it’s not. It’s cowardice. You’re weak and too scared to fight for what you want. That’s what I loved about you; you’re human. You’re not some ironclad manwhore who’s not capable of loving wholeheartedly and unselfishly. You’re weak, in need of others, a typical gay who can’t stop blushing and giggling whenever you see your crush, a glutton, a simpleton and above all, a lover. These are the things that are supposed to make you happy and contented. But you push them away, for the stupid reason that you don’t want to be like them. You’ve got to stop saying and believing that it’s pride that is taking control of you. You’re scared, and you have to deal with it or suffer the consequences later.

Two years of perseverance. Two years of isolation. Two years of without love. It’s time for you to find love in another man’s arms. You have denied and damaged yourself unimaginably. I can barely reach to you, for even me, you ignore. It’s been too long, my beloved, too long. I’m becoming tired and the molds of your home are sending me back to my mother’s eternal embrace. I don’t think that I can still fight for you. You have damaged me far enough, too. Don’t let them take me away from you, and let yourself be imprisoned in the darkness. Love me unconditionally. Fight for me. I know you can do it. I know you will do it, this time.

I love you.

Soul

My 8 Favorite Things of 2008

2008-12-31T23:05:00.000-08:00

Nothing really special or magical has occurred to me last year. Yet, it enlightens me that I don't feel sad or empty about it. As a matter of fact, I'm happy of the way things are falling into places. I think its one of the better years of my life.

So to commemorate the memories and 'guilty pleasures' that kept me going and feel thankful last year, I decided to post them here. I don't feel like posting or even considering any resolution, I'll just take and make most of the things that will come by this year. I'll just hope that the goods keep on coming!

-Sony Ericsson W890-

And there I was leading you to believe that the things I'm gonna be posting here are all 'redefining moments' and the stuffs. But still, this phone saved my ass from boredom and depression, big time. As some of you might know naholdapan ako just last May. My ipod along with my phone was taken from me. I was so sad and angry because it feels as though I lost a bestfriend. I listen to music all the time and what makes me feel worse is when I recall the efforts I exerted in downloading all the 613 songs that I had there. Good thing that my parents managed to buy me this one. It wont come close to the ipod that I once had but its durability and ease of use makes up for that. Not to mention that I'm taking great photos from this one.

-Candlelighting Ceremony at SMX-

When I look back in the future with regrets that I didn't have enough guts, will and initiative to take up Sociology instead of Nursing, I would find ease and comfort just recalling this major event. It was crazy! I remember going to SMX two hours before the event to help my co-mayors set up the place. We literally placed a lamp and a candle on every 2302 seats for the students! After that I was already bathing in my own sweat but I still have to organize my classmates.

And it was all worth it. I was all smiles during the whole event even though I didn't know who it was that I was sitting next to. Add to that the way we mayors were given emphasis when we entered the hall. We entered the hall last after the students and were given applause. Hehehe. Sorry moment ko talaga yun feel ko importante ako at star ako hehehe. And I will always remember the speech given by our dean and her associate. I was surging with ecstasy and drive after the event that I even decided on being serious with becoming a nurse. Oh, well. . .

-Goverment-

I partied far more numerous times this year than all that of my previous years combined! I don't know but I'm starting to becoming a real club rat! But all of my other partying wither in comparison to my experience at Goverment, the number 1 LGBT club in Manila.

I don't know why. I just feel so at home and at ease there. You could be on your gayest ego and party wild but nobody would take it against you. Not to mention the hot, hot men there
.

-iTouch 16 GB-

I was so ecstatic when I got my hands on this one last Christmas! It was a gift from my parents. I guess they just can't say no to my constant hinting that I'm craving for one. I kinda think that I was asking too much for this, but I can't help it! The songs from my beloved phone are so hard to organize. Not to mention that I'm constantly reminded that the itouch has wi-fi while my phone doesn't. With this, I can browse and check on my site anytime I want when I'm at school! Freakin awesome!

-My Monthly Issues of OK! Magazine-

Every end of the month I would dress to treat myself at Robinsons Malate. Prior to watching a movie or looking for clothes, I would eat at Wendy's or bore a seat at Starbucks while reading a new issue of OK!. It's a hobby that I feel hard to break.

Not that I'm a sucker for celebrity trash, but wait, I am a sucker for celebrity trash, indeed. Hehehe. But not with the local show business. It's just that nacheacheapan ako sa mga issues na napapanood ko minsan sa TV. Last time I checked to see what's on at the Buzz I saw Maui Taylor ranting on how her underwear was stolen. OMG! Having known that someone is stupid enough to steal your underwear was embarassing, but to actually go to a show and tell on National TV how you feel about it is unbearable. I wouldn't want that.

What I also love about this magazine is the fashion section. This magazine is a little bit of everything. Highly recommended if you want a jumpstart for your malling.

-Veronika Decides to Die-

Its my official book of the year. I totally fell in love with this book. If I don't find Beyonce's Sasha Fierce scheme annoying, I would have named my alter-ego as Veronika.

It's just that the book really hit me hard. It's my life. I can't believe that a book that is more popular than critically acclaimed can influence me so much. Humabol nga siya eh kasi last week ko ng December siya binasa. I have Aurora to thank on lending me this book.

-Will and Grace (Season 1 to 8)-

Waaaaaah. Huhuhu. Im so missing watching Will and Grace! I have bought and enjoyed every season of it. The puns never grow old on me.

I remember waking up early in the morning during my lecture days to just prepare a handsome breakfast and watch an episode of it. It's so friggin hilarious! When summer vacation came I practically locked myself in my room to watch it from morning to night. Ganun ako na adik. I find it so hard to move on! Especially when I recall my favorite character, Karen, and all her natural humor. Watching the last episode would have been easier for me if there's a single program out there that can match it.

But there's none. Will and Grace will always be my all time favorite show!

-Alicia Keys: Live in Manila-

This is definitely my main highlight of 2008. I will never, never forget it, not even on my deathbed.

I have idolized Alicia Keys for a very long time. And I never thought, not even on my wildest dream, that I'll be able to see her perform live. True that the tickets were not expensive but I still can't believe it. It brought tears to my eyes when I listened to some of her songs that I only heard on my ipod before. It always give me goosebumps whenever I recall this wonderful night. I still can't believe it really happened as I'm typing right now.

It will go down in history as one of my most memorable moments in life.

-OTHERS-

My First Duty
It was in Bulacan. I would never forget it because I cried that day.

Ma Clara Lying-In Rotation
Hahaha. At dahil yan sa dalawang reason: Na sa first four days wala kaming ginawa kundi matulog. At pangalawa first time kong makakita ng pukeng bumubuka, if you know what I mean. Never been in my life that I was more thankful that I was gay.

Amy Winehouse: Back to Black
Literally the best album I've heard. You can check my review of it in my main page.

Dark Knight
My most favorite film of the year

Pushing Daisies
And that's because Lee Pace is so hot! And it's nice to see love at a very rare and different perspective.

Dlisted.com
The funniest website on the net where you can have your daily scoop of hollywood news.

Towerload.com
My mother site. Jan nagmumula ang mga balita ko about gay rights and news.

Akihiro Sato
Definitely the hottest Filipino model. Nanghihina ang mga buto ko sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mga billboard niya hehehehe.

BSN040
Last but not the least ang pinakamamahal kong section. I miss you all guys!

I Fall for a Girl

2008-12-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

This confession is my gift and my way of saying merry christmas to you all.

"Sabi nga ni Melissa Etheridge, hindi ka naman sa sexuality or so body ng tao naiin-love eh, kundi sa soul niya," Aurora told me in a very special afternoon, as I try, in futile, to battle the emotions that suddenly surged through me like an overwhelming avalanche. Something is happening, I told myself. And with those words she said, she triggered the latch that was preventing me to comprehend what it was that I'm feeling. I, since that memorable and fateful day when I freed myself from the shackles of social standards and public perceptions, never thought that I'm gonna fall for a girl.

It's funny. Before, whenever I'm asked about what I'm looking for in a man, I'd say without skipping a heartbeat that he should be simply mature. Someone who had enough of the typical "teenage love affair" and is willing to take the chance for a serious and stable relationship. I want someone who is willing to compromise everything, even if in the end there's doubts and possibilities that he could get hurt. I want someone who's willing to take a leap of faith for the sake of loving wholeheartedly. I also seek men who are, in a way, intellectually stimulating. Someone who will not only feed your inner fiends, but someone who will make you say at the end of the day, "Heck, I got my man."

I feel embarassed with even recalling this preferences of mine. Simply because of the fact that I don't deserve someone like it.

I'm selfish. Prideful. Your typical cold bitch. I wouldn't even lift a finger to please others. I, in any way, do not allow myself to show even a hint of whatever it is that I'm feeling towards a person. Whenever I let something slips off, I would end up cursing myself and feeling bad, ashamed. You might find it crazy but it is me in the raw. I'm full of shit. I look for the ideal man in everybody, ignoring that they're human, not some clay that you can mold into whatever idea of perfection you have in mind. That's given the fact that in the first place, I think I'm not even capable of reciprocating the same devotion that I seek. I can't love anybody else because I love myself too much, to even consider the pain and the possibility of being hurt at the end. I don't deserve the man of my dreams because in return, I can't be the same ideal man for him.

So I stopped, grown even colder and in the end decided to never settle for a relationship. That's a promise that as I continue to fulfill in my everyday life, I find harder to let go. Thanks to my pride. Sometimes I watch and listen in envy as my friends showcase their boyfriends, and in the end regret feeling so after they ended up crying on how they were cheated, lied at and taken advatage of. This continous cycle of being friends, courting, being "on", seemingly endless monsaries, doubts, quarrels and break up just make my decision and beliefs more concrete. I don't want that for myself. To qoute the Dixie Chicks, "I'd rather be alone like I am tonight, than settle for the kind of love that sets before the morning light,". I would mutter that to myself whenever the 'human' in me resurface and make me feel alone and without love.

As I wander in solitude, with the invisible "keep out" line of ten feet around me, I met someone I'm going to hide in the name of Aurora. And, as a throwback to the cliche, that's where it all started. Nobody, not even my closest of friends, can make me sit in front of them for five hours to just talk like she did. No one can make me come to anybody's dorm or house and wait long to run errands like she did. No one can make me feel so happy and enlightened with my day by just listening to music together and swapping music like she did. No one can make me come with along to just buy some apartment decorations till late evening like she did. No one can make me look forward to going to school and abhoring leaving for home like she did.

How? How does a fag like me be stupid enough to cross all the lines of gay blasphemies and fall for a girl? That I can't answer. All I know is beneath her womanly body is the soul of the person that I'm looking for.

Aurora, by far, is the most fascinating person that I've ever met. Napakalalim niyang tao. I could practically unseat Paulo Coelho by taking down notes of what she's saying and turn it to a book. She's the kind of person that would make you stop and think hard with what she says. I always look like a fool and feel so unsmart whenever I'm talking to her. She commands you by the neck and will make you listen and appreciate everything she said without her even exerting the effort. And above all, I think she understands me, and nothing could top that.

It's funny because she knows it, and I didn't even tell her. She would occasionally tease me and say, "Uy naiin-love ka na sa akin!,". I would just ride on and say "Ginugulo mo ang isip ko! Bakla ako! Bakla!" to myself more than to her.

The scarier part is when I learned that she just broke up with her girlfriend (Yes, things got more complicated). Whenever we get together she would always bring up the issue about how she's hurting and all. But when I asked her why she still love her like she does, she would simply say, "Gusto kong patunayan sa kaniya na kaya ko siyang mahalin maski sa malayo lang. Kasi hindi naman mata ang gamit mo pag nagmamahal ka eh. Kundi eto," as she points to her chest. I was scared because she almost completed the descriptive aspect of the man I'm looking for. She had gone on great lengths on the compromising-and-giving your-whole department that it's sending chills down my spine. And the confusing thing, ironically, is that I'm not confuse.

Something is happening. I think I'm falling harder for her.

XOXO

Jerome

My Take on Grammys Prediction

2008-12-20T02:02:00.000-08:00

And the nominations are finally here!

Grammys is the sole award-giving body that I litrerally drool on in anticipation every year. Not that I don't like the Oscars, BAFTA or the Golden Globes. It's just that I'm not much of a critic when it comes to movies, for the reason why I go to movie theatre is to nourish my solitude (I'm taking the novel I'm reading now too seriously. I'll tell you about this new-found philosophy of mine later) or to have fun. Except for anticipated movies such as The Dark Knight (which I love) and Twilight (Blah) I rarely make a review out of watching.

But with music I'm so right on. I love downloading albums and make judgements on it. I don't just listen to tracks but also criticize them with respect to it's lyrical and musical content. Given that, I wouldn't pass the chance of having my own grammys prediction. Actually it's my second time to post my bets for the award. Last year my bets did pretty well and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this year. I think I'm gonna make this an annual post.

-SONG OF THE YEAR- (Based on Lyrical Content)

Nominees

"American Boy" by Estelle
"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz
"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Chasing Pavements" by Adele
"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles

My Bet:

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

It's too obvious that this category is dominated by this track. Coldplay really did an amazing job writing this song. I've never heard a song so diverse and deviant such as this in a very long time. Who would have thought that a song that talks literally about medieval war and crusades can turn up great and popular?

The only problem is there is this issue about the group copying the musical aspect of this song from a previous track. If they failed to settle the dispute they could end up losing. So just in case I'm putting my 'other bet' on "American Boy" by Estelle.

-RECORD OF THE YEAR- (Musical Aspect)

Nominees:

"Chasing Pavements" by Adele
"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis
"Paper Planes" by M.I.A.
"Please Read the Letter" by Robert Plant and Alisson Krauss

My Bet:

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

I kinda took this prediction thing seriously. So before posting this, I downloaded all the nominated tracks even those by singers I've never heard before just to listen to it and come up with a good guess. Hmmmm. For this track I'd still would put my money again on "Viva La Vida".

I would have loved to conform on my immediate instincts and say "Bleeding Love", for the song was so feverishly (is there a word like that?) popular and shed a new light for the emo genre. But when it comes to which song really broke new grounds I would still stcik with "Viva La Vida". As I've said the song is something I've never heard before and it would be complete travesty if it would not win, especially in this category. Now if they can really clean up their issue with the song. . .

-BEST NEW ARTIST-

Nominees:

Duffy
Adele
Lady Antebullum
Jonas Brothers
Jazmine Sullivan

My Bet:

Duffy

What the heck is Jonas Brothers doing in this list? They're the bitter and mediocre reincarnation of teenage pop which should have been shot on its first surface. Seriously! Those guys don't even know how to sing. And where is Leona Lewis? Are you effin kidding me? Jonas Brothers is here and Leona is not? I'm not much of a fan and I wouldn't have betted on her, but she deserves to be on this list.

Now enough of the rant. Duffy is my girl! With "Mercy" alone she proves that she is innovative and unique, a breath of fresh air. I fell in love with her on this contemporary track, but she proves that she can be more jazzy and bluesy with my fave "Warwick Avenue" and "Steppings Stone". True that she is not much of a belter and a singer who sings emotionally and sincerely, but her unique voice makes up for that lack. But whew! I can't help but feel this tingling sensation in in my brain that Adele might just bag the award!

-BEST R&B SONG-

Nominees:

"Miss Independent" by Ne-yo
"Spotlight" by Jennifer Hudson
"Heaven Sent" by Keyshia Cole
"Customer"
"Bust Your Windows" by Jazmine Sullivan

My Bet:

Heaven Sent by Keyshia Cole

I would have betted for Spotlight, which is my favorite. But objectively speaking I think this track by Keyshia Cole has it going, for the reason that the song is openly sincere and vulnerable. It doesn't have the smart lyrics that Spotlight has nor the cunningly way Miss Independent was described but Heaven Sent was successful lyrically in delivering its message. As I always say you really don't have to make the song too emotional and poetic to traverse a full range of emotions, which is the case with this bet of mine. It's simply written, but at the same time it's complete and understandable.

But they say that this is Ne-yo's year. I wouldn't mind at all if he wins given the fact that he both composed Miss Independent and Spotlight.

-BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS-

Nominees:

"Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys and John Meyer
"4 Minutes" by Madonna and Justin Timberlake
"If I Never See Your Face Again" by Maroon 5 and Rihanna
"Rich Woman" by Robert Plant and Alisson Krauss
"No Air" by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown

My Bet:

No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown

It pains me not to choose Lesson Learned by Alicia, for it was so sincerely and beautifully sang that it makes me shiver. It's just that it's not much of a collaboration given the fact that all John Meyer did was do backdground and sang two lines which is 'It's All Right, It's All Right'. So I guess I would pick "No Air" by newcomer Jordin.

Jordin and Chris Browns' vocals blend heavenly on this track. I love the "give and take" of vocals that "No Air" had that the one by Maroon 5 and Rihanna lacks. I would have loved to pick any song of Madonna, but "4 Minutes" never fails to bore a hole in my head whenever I listen to it. The collaboration is just a mistake.

-BEST DANCE RECORDING-

Nominees:

"Give it 2 Me" by Madonna
"Just Dance" by Lady Gaga
"Disturbia" by Rihanna
"Ready for the Floor" by Hot Chip
"Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro

My Bet:

Just Dance by Lady Gaga

I had an extremely narrow way of judging this category: whichever song will make me dance my calories off most will be my bet. And Just Dance by Lady Gaga definitely did the trick, though I'm still fat.

The first time I've ever heard of this song and a lady called Gaga is when I watched Miss Universe. She sang this song during the swimsuit competition. I was kinda unsure back then for Lady Gaga look overgarbed for my taste. I also don't like her weird costume and black and white hair so I paid no attention.

But damn this song is so groovin my world even now. I never get tired listeing to it and dancing through it in my showers. This song is so on it's own league in this category. Not even Disturbia can touch this one, for I really don't think Rihanna's last single is a dance track. I just hoped that they have included a track from Kylie to spicen up the category.

-OTHERS-

I'm not much of a fan of the rest of the categories. Either that or I'm too bored. So I'll just post the nominations and highlight my bet.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends
Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III
Ne-Yo - Year Of The Gentleman
Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Raising Sand
Radiohead - In Rainbows

BEST POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE BY A FEMALE

Adele - "Chasing Pavements"
Sara Bareilles - "Love Song"
Duffy - "Mercy"
Leona Lewis - "Bleeding Love"
Katy Perry - "I Kissed A Girl"
Pink - "So What"

BEST POP VOCAL PERFROMANCE BY A MALE

Kid Rock - "All Summer Long
John Mayer - "Say"
Paul McCartney - "That Was Me"
Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours
Ne-Yo - "Closer"
James Taylor - "Wichita Lineman"

BEST R&B FEMALE VOCAL PERFORMANCE

Beyoncé - "Me, Myself And I" (live)
Keyshia Cole - "Heaven Sent"
Jennifer Hudson - "Spotlight"
Alicia Keys - "Superwoman"
Jazmine Sullivan - "Need U Bad"

BEST RAP COLLABORATION

Estelle & Kanye West - "American Boy"
Flo Rida & T-Pain - "Low"
John Legend & Andre 3000 - "Green Light"
Lil Wayne & T-Pain - "Got Money"
Lupe Fiasco & Matthew Santos - "Superstar"

XOXO

Jerome

Gift from My Manita

2008-12-11T01:21:00.000-08:00

O diba bagay kami? Walang kokontra sasampalin ko talaga hahaha!

I mentioned in my earlier post that we had a Christmas party during our last day in the lying-in clinic in Bulacan. I was kinda not digging the idea at first for I was thinking that my groupmates are pushing it too hard on enjoying the first rotation. Eh kasi naman, wala na kaming ginawa kung hindi matulog nang matulog, makinig ng music at maglaro ng cooking mama sa DS ni Badeth tapos hihirit pa kami ng party. But our CI, who I love so much because of her warmth and care, agreed happily.

So of course we decided to have the Manito and Manita. 4th year high school ata ako nun nung huli akong nagexchange gift, so I was excited. After we picked our manito and manitas (I picked Badeth) we listed our wishes. Some listed an ipod case, stuff toy, t-shirt and a muffin that has a weird name. My manita wrote for a handible electric fan. Hahaha. Kamusta naman yun she even wrote kung saan siya mabibili (trinoma! sosyal!) and she specified na dapat may energizer na battery. Being the sloth that I am I ended up not fulfilling her wish. I bought a crystal case for her itouch instead.

At dahil napakadrama-queen ko and that I like stealing the show, I decided to ask for a date! Hahaha! Some of them were doubtful about me being serious with it but I assured them. I perceived it as my chance to finally get some measure of intimacy! Tigang na tigang na ako!

So the whole week I was taunting my groupmates about it, always reminding them that by the time we arrive at the lying-in on the night of our Xmas party, I'm expecting a candle-lit dinner for two and a band of musicians to sooth us. But heck! They were giving me the hint that their planning to set me up with this classmate of ours na super epal and super presko at super acting know-it-all! So I was eating my words and telling them na maski hindi na date basta romantic yung gift. For I'd rather stay single for the rest of my fag life than be with that guy alone for even a single minute! Waaaaaaaaah!

I was kind nervous when we held our party for I had no idea who picked me and what the gift was. We bought a bucket of chicken from KFC, Pancit Malabon, Maja -courtesy of Badeth-) and bread for our dinner. We decided to hand our gifts first. We had this ritual of giving a heartfelt message and singing a christmas song as we reveal our manita.

And I was surprised that it was Kim, my classmate from last semester! I didn't even had the slightest idea about it! She pulled down this bottle of red wine and told me that when the day come that I finally had a date I should use it.In fairness bote lang yun na may panglasing pero natouch na ako. But then it wasn't the highlight, for she handed me another one. This time she allowed me to open it myself. My groupmates were telling me that it was a picture of Mr Know-it-all so I was freakin out. I slowly tore down the gift to take a peek. And it almost poked me in the eyes!

It was a cardboard with a set of pictures of Nikko, my neighbor who happens to be my crush! He's a batchmate of mine and I often bump into him at school and on my way home. Kaya lang suplado at may pagkahomophobic ata siya, so I don't talk to him (or is it the other way around?). Grabe ininvite ko siya sa friendster at 1 month bago niya tinanggap. I think the stud went on a pilgrimage first in order to find out if I'm worthy of being added as a friend. And since then, the guy became so effin cocky! He would smile as if someone is poking him in the ass (atleast that would be a normal reaction for me) whenever he sees me. Taena sarap upakan. I even remember this instance when he first saw me buying my merienda back at my home (Kilala niya na ata ako sa itsura but he didn't know na halos magkapitbahay lang kami). I just woke up from a nap so I looked all sexed up and I didn't even combed my hair nor change my clothes when I went out. And then I was crossing the street when I saw him staring at me. Waaah! I was so embarassed that I would even hide in a drum with Mr Know-itall in it!

I was really surprised for Kim really took a hell of an effort for that one. Waaaaah! Nakakiyak seryoso. Hahaha. Thanks Kim! Love you girl!

I miss my former groupmates so much, but I'm starting to like and get comfortable with my new one.

Anygays enough of this long post. I'll be uploading the pics na.

XOXO

Jerome

Goodbye, Mary Higgins Clark

2008-12-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

It took me quite a while to quench my obsession of writing my mind and heart aloud. This week has been very busy. I was assigned to this punishingly far lying-in clinic in Zamora, Bulacan and the expenses are making my wallet weep. I have to pay Php 180 for our fair and of course I have to spend some money on food, which includes a burger combo with two large fries, a rice meal and chips that I couldn't even bring myself to share with my groupmates. Not to mention the Christmas party that we had and the gift that I have to buy for my manita (I'll be posting the pics and videos later).

No, no, no. The queen of suspense is still alive and kicking. Judging by her looks, I think she still has a decade or two to spend on pleasing her numerous fans; which for the meantime, I won't be a part of. It's just that I've grown too comfortable with her writing style that the recent novels of her that I've read didn't even move me.

I, just like with movies, read novels for the sole reason of entertainment. I don't care about the lessons and all the philosophy that some other books have, I'm after the actions, romance and adventure. Given that, it wasn't hard for me to fall in love with Mary Higgins Clark. Since I've read her novel My Daddy's Little Girl I turned auto-pilot and started collecting novel after novels of hers. I was even taken by the 10 books (which has atleast 700 pages each) of the Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, which I loved so much because of the way it reminds me of The Lord of the Rings. I was so focused on these authors that when I had this sudden introspection, I realized that I know nothing about books at all. I don't know of Paulo Coelho, David Baldacci, Nora Roberts and Ha Jin. I don't even know that a book called Twilight exists until the movie came out and made me rant!

So I made this decision: for my next selection of books, and I mean bookssssssss, I'm gonna read from authors that I never heard of. I really like to widen my scope of reading and not only focus on the entertainment that a novel would bring, but the beauty and the world that it will introduce to me. That's why this past week I've been visiting bookstores after bookstores in hopes of finding a good start for my reading. I was intending to start with a Paulo Coelho book but I worn myself out looking for "Brida" and "The Witch of Portobelio". I was about to buy "By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept" instead but I saw this really thick novel (and I love the lengthy ones) entitled "100 Years of Solitude". I was fascinated that beside the fact that it was endorsed by Oprah herself through her book club, it won a nobel prize. So I decided to buy it.

I would have loved reading the novel in one sitting, which I usually do, but it's just too expensive (It frigging cost me Php 315! My Mary Higgins books wouldn't even exceed 100!)! I can't bear wasting it in just one night so I decided to read the novel one chapter per day. Hahaha ang barat ko. Eh kasi naman di talaga ako gumagastos ng ganun kalaki sa books. Good thing that the novel is turning out great! I'll be posting the reviews later!

XOXO

Jerome

My Top 15 Favorite Songs of All Time

2008-11-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

I hope my friend Jansuing (can I call you that? Hahaha. . .) wouldn’t mind. . .

I stumbled upon his blog post about his top 15 most favorite songs and I was kinda inspired by it. Being such a music lover, I find it ironic that I really don’t have an idea on what my most favorite songs are. I spend half of my time in browsing the internet listening to music and watching live performances from my favorite artists. Even my friends in school would never catch me without my earphones on. When I have nothing to do at home (and it’s only because I have no money to bring myself to the mall to watch a movie or do some shopping. Hahaha) I would just get my phone (it used to be an ipod, before that faithful day in Lawton) and practically listen to the radio and my selection of songs for hours.

And I really don’t have a preference for any genre. As long as the song is good and relatable (that’s why I hate too much love song and emo songs) I’ll dig it. I could practically listen to Barbra Streisand and switch to Evanescence and then to Alicia Keys and Christina Aguilera in one sitting.

I’m an avid fan of both classical (the likes of Barbra, Janice Joplin, Shirley Bassey) and contemporary music (Christina, Alicia, Amy and Sarah Mclachlan) that’s why it was punishing to narrow down my favorite songs down to fifteen. I was able to take down 44 songs at first and they were all my all-time favorites. I was thinking leaving it as that and post it but that would be suicidal, for then I’d be writing insights on all 44 of them. I wouldn’t want that since I‘m so wordy, do I? Hmmmmm. . .

I also decided to not only focus on the lyrical content but also to the musical aspect of these songs. So they’re not actually my most favorite songs, but my favorite records.

So here goes nothing. . .

16. Come What May by Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor

“Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide,

But I love you, until the end of time. . .”

I know, I know. The effin post is entitled “ My Top 15 Most Favorite Songs”, but I really cannot start any musical list without mentioning this song. True that it’s not one of my most favorite songs, but it’d go down to my history as the most memorable one that even on my deathbed, with all the tracheotomy tube and colostomy bag installed in me for living such a sinfully sedentary lifestyle, I’ll smile just thinking about this.

I was in 2^nd year high school when I was chosen to take a lead part in an interpretative dance to be presented to every year level (okay you may think it’s hilarious given I’m ‘kinda’ overweight. But I was ‘kinda’ thin back then!) with this theme from the movie Moulin Rouge (which is also one of my fave movie) as the music. I was not familiar with this song before, so I was in a way enlightened when I tried to listen to the lyrics. It talks boldly about love and the odds that one would fearlessly overcome to protect and cherish it. Being young, I was kinda swayed with the way love was described and embellished. Much later I learned na hindi lang pala siya ganun kasimple. Hmph I really don’t want to talk about love anymore hahaha. . .

It was after I listened to this song that I fell in love with Broadway Music. I then started to rent movies like Chicago and Evita because of it. And it’s also because of this that I fell in love with dancing. I never imagined that after we performed this song, I’d be invited to different dancing presentations and even competitions. I was even awarded with Male Dancer of the Year. Imagine? Wahahaha. I was hoping to pursuit dancing but the glutton fiend in me just took over and made that impossible.

15. I Could Not Ask for More by Sara Evans

“These are the moments I know heaven must exist

These are the moments, I know all I need is this

I found all I’ve waited for

And I could not ask for more . . .”

I just realized two things. One, majority of the songs here on my list are about love. Now that’s stupid for I really know nothing of it. Two, most of the songs (including this one. It’s track #2) are also the ones that I burned to a CD as a gift to someone. Wow. Has it really been that long since that day when I was so stupid enough to show my true feelings and hand that friggin gift to him? Hahaha. It feels great that I could talk about it now in a nice manner. All I can say is that, if in a sick twist of fate you are reading this, I am happy and have no regrets about any single thing that happened between the two of us. I hope that you could say the same for yourself. January to March of 2006 will always, and I mean always, be the happiest days of my life, so I thank you for it.

Now back to the song! Most people are more familiar with the male version, which I in turn, found fugly. I abhorred the fact that Edwin McCain made it too much of a rock song. So the first time I heard it, I really didn’t pay too much attention.

But the version of Sara Evans blew me away. She made the song country and it sounded miles better than that of McCain. Actually hers was the original version. What I love about it is that she sang it so effortlessly and clear while being sincere the whole time. And that kind of singer is hard to come by nowadays. Sara surely made a classic feat with this one.

14. Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks (2006)

“Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say, time heals everything,

But I’m still waiting. . .”

“How in the world can the words that I said

Send somebody so over the edge

That they’d write me a letter

Saying that I better

Shut up and sing or my life will be over? . .”

I’ve been a fan of Dixie Chicks since they released their song “I Believe in Love”. Given the fact that I’m such a sucker for country songs, it really wasn’t hard for me to like their easy music.

That’s why it surprised me when they released this single. This served as their powerful response to President Bush and the issue of ‘freedom of speech’. It all started when this group went to London for a concert. During the show, their lead singer went on saying, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed to come from the same country as George Bush.”

That statement angered people as well as their fans. Many of their fan sites shut down, radio stations stopped playing their songs and people stopped buying their records. Bush and his secretary issued statements about the group, saying what they said was ‘intolerable’ and an ‘insult to their country’. The tension heightened when they received a death threat, stating “Shut up and sing or your life will be over.” Because of that they have to apply strict security whenever they go shopping and performing.

All of the Dixie Chicks’ anger, hurting and frustrations were translated to this masterpiece of a song. I always get goosebumps whenever I listen intently to this one. You could hear the sincere and deep anger from the voice of the lead singer. It was like she was screaming at you and telling you that there’s no way in hell that she’s gonna shut up. This record itself was alive. It was even branded as Record of the Year by Grammys. Since in a way I’m also an advocate of my own cause, I’m happy that a group like Dixie Chicks can voice out their opinion in such a beautiful way. Unlike those homophobes who result to hate crimes. Oh here I go again.

13. Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence (2006)

“Don’t cry to me

If you love me, you would be here with me

You want me, come find me

Make up your mind. . .”

Evanescence is my most favorite rock band. I don’t think that any band could come close to the honesty and bizarreness of their work nor their commitment to it. If you’re gonna listen to their two albums, you’re not going to find any distinction since they always stay true to themselves when it comes to music.

Except for this record. I believe that they’ve broken new grounds with this. From the instrumentals down to the lyrics and vocals, this record is so right on. I was in first year when college when this was released and I can’t get enough of it. There’s something that I can’t figure out. It’s so magical and in a way, odd and yet likeable.

Evanescence actually means disappearing after a short time and be soon forgotten. With this record along with Lithium and My Immortal, I simply don’t think that they will.

12. Learn to be Lonely

“Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion. . .”

This song written by no other than Andrew Lloyd Webber was released when the movie version of the Phantom of the Opera hit the theatres. My mother had this collection of broadway albums ,including this one, but I never had the interest to browse them. So I really anticipated the movie version since I started having this curiosity and love for musicals (not high school musical, okay?).

The movie did not disappoint me in any way. The movie tag line “Let the Fantasy Begin” was no promotional crap, it was a promise. I really enjoyed the movie a lot. There this song entitled Learn to be Lonely was played when the credits rolled up but I never paid any attention to it.

But heck, the song was performed by Beyonce in the Oscars so I kinda got interested. Three years after, I still feel the same like the first time I heard it. Actually I consider it my ‘theme song’.

The song is simple; accept the fact that forever, you will live alone. Being gay, it wasn’t hard to relate to it. Sabi nga ni Jansuing, “Love is rare in the world of gays,”. I made peace with the inevitable long time ago. I’m not the kind of gay that still hopes that one day his knight in shining armor would come and save him. Not that I don’t believe that other gays are living in a fantasy world when they believe that they will find love. It’s just that I know I won’t.

And it’s not me being emo or sad about it. I’m happy being single. I’m proud to say that my happiness is not defined by whether or not I have someone beside me. People often laugh at me whenever they learn that I watch movies alone. I pity some of them. If you can’t enjoy the simplest wonders of life like watching a movie without your lover, what kind of person are you? I don’t know I guess it’s just me. The more I stay single, the more I feel obliged to remain one.

Anygays, I think I explained well why I love this song so much. This song reminds me to be stronger and more appreciative of even the simplest things around me.

11. Cool by Gwen Stefani

“And after all the obstacle

It’s good to see you now with someone else

And it’s such a miracle

That you and me are still good friends

After all that we’ve been through,

I know we’re cool. . .”

I looooove Gwen Stefani! Even when she was in No Doubt, I’ve already been drooling over her songs. So I was kinda sad that they broke up and Gwen started her solo career. But in the end, I’m happy that she did!

I was worried that she wouldn’t make it when she released “What are you Waiting For?” coz it’s different compared to the songs of Alicia Keys and Usher which were popular during that time. But then she released “Hollaback Girl” (which almost made it to this list!) and the whole world sang along with her. I was anticipating for another upbeat single from her when she released “Cool” as her 4^th single. I liked it immediately for it reminded me of her days with No Doubt.

Now I can never relate to this song since I really cannot say I’m ‘cool’ with my past relationship. But the record is highly addictive as well as sensible, so it really became my most favorite Gwen song along with “Hollaback Girl” and 4 in the Morning”. Good thing that No Doubt is back! They’re gonna release an album early next year!

10. Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (2005)

“Words can’t bring me down

So don’t you bring me down today. . .”

My interpretation of those lines is people’s only means of hurting others is through words. And since I don’t give a damn about it, don’t bother telling me. It would take a very strong person to say that and really mean it, but in a way Christina did with this record.

I was in first year when Christina released her raunchiest video to date, “Dirrty”. Me and my friends hated the fact that she’s too trashy and that she’s trying to imitate Britney (ahhh High School). I would even change channels whenever it’s played on MTV. But when she released Beautiful, she silenced me.

I was reminded that this girl really knows how to sing so I was like, “Ok. . .”. She then released Can’t Hold Us Down and I said, “So, she got an opinion. Great. Next!”. Then I saw the video of Fighter and said, “Wow. That was really artistic. Didn’t know she can do a rock song.” She finally released The Voice Within and that’s definitely the one that made me go to Legazpi to buy her album.

I think that’s the time I really fell hard on western music, since ang bukang bibig ko lang nun ay si Regine Velasquez. I believe she proved what the true measure of being an artist is with that album. It’s all about accepting what you are without the need of other people’s approval. And ever since, I became her no. 1 fan. Hahaha.

Beautiful breaches boundaries and is close to my heart kasi may pagka gay anthem siya. I love how this song is so relatable to everyone. I do believe that lyrically, it’s one of the greatest songs of our time.

9. All I Ask of You by Barbra Streisand

“Say you share with me one love, one lifetime

Let me lead you from your solitude

Say you need me in your arms always

\ Anywhere you go let me go too

That’s all I ask of you. . .”

This was originally a composition of Andrew Lloyd Webber for the Phantom of the Opera. Barbra Streisand, the diva that she is, really made a great job turning this song to a less musical and to a more of a ballad song.

My fascination with everything that is Regine lead me to become a classical lover. I remember buying her album “Songbird Sings the Classics” and even though it only contains 16 tracks, it introduced me to a vast and beautiful domain. It was then that I started browsing for ‘ancient’ songs from Carpenter, Bread, Shirley Bassey,, ABBA (I’m so gay!) and my fave, Barbra Streisand.

I begged my mother to buy me an album of her entitled Essential which was a greatest hits album. I was so enthralled with every tracks. Seriously! I would always open our audio component every morning as I prepare myself for school just to play it, for my day wouldn’t be complete without doing so. I ended up memorizing some of the notable songs there such as “Piece of Sky”, “Guilty”, “Don’t Rain on my Parade”, “What Kind of Fool am I” and “Woman in Love”. But one that would stand the test of time for me is “All I Ask of You”.

There’s so much love and passion with both the song and how Barbra sang it. One’s heart can be taken away just by listening to it. My heart was. It even made me cry a couple of times. It’s so enlightening to forget all about the hardships in falling in love and focus on what you really feel towards that person. Impossible to do that, isn’t it? Well maybe that’s the thing that made this record exceptional. Why can’t love be so simple just like it is in the eyes of the composer?

8. Try by Nelly Furtado

“And I see you standing there

Wanting more from me

And All I can do is try. . .”

This track is perhaps the exact negative to my other fave song All I Ask of You. Meaning, it talks about reality.

I love Nelly Furtado as a Balladeer, not so much as contemporary singer. I don’t know what Timbaland did to make her sound good with her new songs, but her voice and character stood out more in her songs “All Good Things Come to an End” and “In God’s Hands” from the album Loose compared to her more upbeat songs. But nevertheless, I’m a fan. I just love the fact that she’s the one composing her songs. I think that’s the reason why she does well in singing them.

“Try” talks about how one’s heart and devotion to a relationship can wither down when his/her partner is never contented with what he/she gives. I think it’s highly observable today. It’s so ironic how easy it is for us to forget what we really loved about the person in the first place, so much that we would ask more from them. It’s like, a relationship I believe should work on both ways. It’s good to cite out some flaws so that you can work it out. But if you keep on noticing more faults than good things, then I think it’s time to go. For you can never actually achieve what you completely want from your partner without damaging the relationship. Your partner is a person in her own right, not a molding clay that you can shape to whatever idea of perfection that you have in mind. Hmmmm. What was I posting again? I think I should entitled this post as LOVE GURU. As if naman. . .

7. God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

“Every long lost dream

Leads me to way you are

Others who broke my heart

They wee like northern star

Pointing me on my way

Into your loving arms . . .”

First of all, this is not a gospel song. I recommended them before to some of my peers and they’d say that they want none of it for they’re not much of a Godly person. Which I found rude, actually. I mean what is so wrong with listening to songs about God? Not that I listen to it, mind you.

This song would have ranked higher if I only considered the lyrical contents for my list. For just reading the lyrics would make you either sigh out of love or puke in disgust, depending on how you did with your exes. I puked, if you should know. But sometimes, you don’t really need to experience things just to connect with songs like this. All you need is to empathize.

The first time I heard this was when it was sang by Carrie Underwood in American Idol. I was like, “What the hell did she just sang?”. I wasn’t really much of a fan of hers for I was rooting for Bo Bice. But when she released her album, I fell in love with many of her songs. Her song “Wasted” almost made it here.

I remember browsing youtube for her songs when I come across her live performance of this “Bless the Broken Road”. I listened to it and and I barely noticed that I was playing it over and over again. I was making out the lyrics. I then downloaded the complete song from Rascal Flatts and also the lyrics and it made me stop, think and let the whole message sink in. It’s nice how a composer can deliver a song with such depth without going to the verge of suicidal, like some. Hahaha. I wish I had someone to sing this song to. Wahahaha. Ano ba talaga Jerome? Akala ko ba masaya kang maging single?

6. No One by Alicia Keys (2007)

“I know people will try

Try to divide something so real

So till the end of time I’m telling you that

No one can get in the way of what I’m feeling. . .”

This is the newest of the singles I have here in my list. I know that some people had enough when it comes to listening to it, but that’s the problem. I just can’t have enough of it.

It’s funny because DJ Mo Twister and I share the addiction for this song. I listen to his show in Magic 89.9 every morning and he would always play this. I can’t blame him. This song is simply powerful. I think that the fact that the lyrics are so simple is the reason. Because of that, many people can relate to it. They can interpret it in ways unimaginable. This song was actually written by Alicia for her sick relative while it was interpreted by most as a love song. That’s what’s beautiful with this kind of songs. The composers leave something to the imagination. Why bother with songs that are deep in words when you can’t relate with it at all?

I remember when we went to Alicia’s concert here in Manila. It was the highlight of my year. I was so stunned when I see her walk through that stage. Coz the Alicia Keys I know is the singer I hear in the radio and the superstar I see in the music videos and movies. Alicia Keys in the flesh? I wasn’t actually prepared for that. And it was so good to hear her live. I have no other way to explain it. When she sang “No One”, she was kinda surprised that people were singing along with her. Haaaay! San bumalik ulit siya.

And now to my top 5 songs.

5. Running by No Doubt

“We’re running, keep holding my hand

And so we don’t get separated. . .”

One of the many songs that made me cry a lot of times. I blame it again to the simplicity of the song and the sad, sad way Gwen sang it. Her vocals brought the lyrics to a new level.

This is by far the best record from No Doubt along with Underneath it All (which ached my heart when I had to remove it from my list.). And it was actually written by Gwen herself and was released as their last single.

The song, for me, is about friendship. This is actually my song for my best friends: Netz, Cams, Kates and Riz. I would always end up thinking about them when I listen to it. Just listening to the lines, “And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen, help me up let’s keep on running,” is enough to pool tears in my eyes. Every fall that I’ve experienced, from the time I spent to recover with counseling and even to my complete withdrawal from social life, my friends didn’t leave and we would always pick up where we left off. No matter how much I neglect them and take for granted what they offer with their friendship, they would always understand. They focus on the reasons why the friendship is worth keeping, rather than focus on negativities. You don’t get to be with companions like that all the time.

4. Take A Bow by Madonna

“All the world is a stage

And everyone has their part

But how was I to know which way the story goes

How was I to know that you’ll break my heart? . .”

“You took my love for granted why, oh why?

This show is over say goodbye. . .”

I believe that Rihanna’s song of the same title was derived from this one. They could have exerted a little effort in making it original by thinking of a new title. The version of Rihanna is so similar to that of Madonna when it comes to the song’s message.

Given the fact that I’m gay (I’ve been whoring it out for two years. Got to make up for time lost when I was in my old dirty little closet), it’s very much predictable that I’m a fan of Madonna, even though I acknowledge the fact that she can’t sing. It’s just that, like Christina after her, she never cease to reinvent herself when it comes to music. She always have something tuck away that would blow away even her oldest fans. You’ve got to respect those kinds of artists. Some of her notable songs for me include “Rain”, “Ray of Light”, “Nothing Really Matters” and “I’ll Remember”. But when it all comes down to it, “Take a Bow” is her best record, yet. Actually it’s her last single that topped the Billboard Top 100.

I really have no special connection with this, for the reason it’s on my top 5 is because of it’s distinctive and smart lyrics (that’s before Rihanna copied the entire concept). Though I’m not much of a fan of Madonna’s vocals, I really think that she did a great job singing this. This is the kind of song that you won’t need the likes of power houses such as Whitney and Mariah to enjoy, for the song speaks for itself. Madonna’s mellow and monotonous voice proved as an advantage in the musical aspect of this record. Actually it used to be my most favorite song. Since as I’ve shown from my previous songs that I’m more appreciative of simple lyrics (and that’s not because my level of comprehension is limited), it’s just predictable that my most fave Madonna song is this.

3. By Your Side by Sade

“If only, you could see into me. . .”

Simply the best love song that ever seen the light of day. I was actually surprised that the people from V Channel also thinks so. All love songs will wither in the face of time, but this song will linger on.

The first time, and I mean the first time, that I’ve seen the music video and heard of this song, I actually cried. I don’t know if it’s because of the sad, hopeful aura of the video or Sade’s way of dancing towards the city. Hearing this song was actually the first time I’ve learned of Sade. I later downloaded some of her songs such as “Somebody Already Broke my Heart” and “King of Sorrow” from her album Lovers Rock. She’s kinda eclectic, you can’t actually narrow down her genre nor her way in composing her songs and making her music. It’s just that her scope in music is so wide.

What I love most about this song is Sade’s overwhelmingly yet simply sincere way of singing this song. I cannot help but drown to her voice. It’s the heavenly midline between happiness and grief. It’s both peaceful and sorrowful. I don’t know but her distinctive voice really surfaced in this song. The fact that the lyrics was so simple yet the song was delivered the best way possible really made me a fan. Sade’s voice carried this song to new heights. Too bad that she’s not making music anymore.

2. Fallen by Sarah Mclachlan

“And it only lights up morning

And the wounds that would not heal

It’s the bitter taste of losing everything

That I’ve held so dear. . .”

Long before the coming of the emos, Sarah Mclachlan was already singing about sorrows, fears and darkness. She’s the incarnation of both what you now call emo and gothic, though she might not look the part. For sometimes you don’t actually have to put mascara or cover your other eye with your hair to carry the message. Just sing the damn song the way it’s supposed to be sang.

I remember the afternoon when Nenette and I were doing our science project and this video of Sarah Mclachlan entitled “Fallen” was played. She went on raving on how beautiful the voice of Sarah is. I on the other hand was kinda indifferent, yet curious. My preference during that time was narrowed down to contemporary and popular music. I downloaded the song and was taken aback by the ‘breath of fresh air” that Sarah has. I wasn’t actually familiar with her kind of music, yet I instantly fell in love with it. I think she is the reason why I became appreciative of artists that are not that popular but are extremely talented, like Amy Winehouse and Norah Jones.

Some of her greatest songs (included in her album Closer) include “Building a Mystery”, “Adia”, “Sweet Surrender”, “Angel”, “World on Fire” and “Answer” but “Fallen” will always be my first love. It is the complete song translation of what I felt when I was in counseling and when I was eliminated in the science oriented class back in high school. I also love how Sarah shifted from voice to falsetto in singing this song. Her voice is simply angelic that it’s so ironic that she sings mostly of tragedies and failures like in this one. The lyrics on the other hand is deep but didn’t fail to be relatable. Sarah really proved with this that aside from the fact that she’s one heck of a singer, she’s a good writer.

Now to my Number 1 song of All Time

"I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you."

You were Meant for Me by Jewel

I typed in all the lyrics for I want to accurately point out why I love this song most. I am a fan of songs that are simply written yet carry a great message. And this song is the embodiment of that preference of mine.

As I’ve said, you really don’t have to experience the same thing as the composer did to relate with him, for you can always empathize. I’m the kind of music lover who spends hours listening to music. I could weather that because as I listen to songs, my mind flies as I create stories in my imaginations that are related to the song. It might sound crazy and weird but I sometimes even cry doing that. And no other song made my mind soar highest than this classic feat of Jewel.

The fact that this record was country made me fell even harder for it. The song talks about how a person honestly acknowledge that her life is empty and monotonous without the love of her life. And how that person holds on to a mere spark of hope that one day her lover would return, on the concrete belief that simply, her lover ‘was meant for her’. The song also talks about how the person had tried to carry on and improve herself, but it all amounts to nothing without her lover beside her. It talks about how her dreams and hopes for herself and her lover are still there despite the fact that they had broke up. It’s about continuing to live up the broken relationship despite the fact that it’s long dead.

This song interprets love in it’s rawest. It talks about reality. You could actually see, if not relate for yourself, this kind of setting in the lives of people around you. We all try hard to move on after a failed relationship, but sometimes what we had with our partner just feel so good and seem so right, that it made you believe that you are really for each other. What I also like is Jewel’s simple yet appropriate vocals. She actually has two version of this song, but I like the more sorrowful one better.

1) You were Meant for Me - Jewel

2) Fallen - Sarah Mcalchlan

3) By Your Side - Sade

4) Take a Bow - Madonna

5) Running - No Doubt

6) No One - Alicia Keys

7) God Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

8) Try - Nelly Furtado

9) All I Ask of You - Barbra Streisand

10) Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

11) Cool - Gwen Stefani

12) Learn to be Lonely

13) Call Me When You’re Sober - Evanescence

14) Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

15) I Could Not Ask for More - Sara Evans

16) Come What May - Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor

Wow. Hahaha. I never thought that I’d make my longest post ever out of this one. I realized that all of these songs definitely have one thing in common; I always listen to them. And even if I listen to them all the time doesn’t matter, for I always feel the same emotions.

I'm Exhausted

2008-11-22T02:53:00.000-08:00

I think I kinda pushed my body to the limit this past week. And it's funny because it has nothing to do with me partying or striving to have high scores for my skills and lecture quizzes. Check my previous blog if you're damn clueless.

I was really thrilled when I was informed last week that LAMP, the official publication of the Institute of Nursing, is open for application up to yesterday. Since I love blogging so much coz I find it easy, I kinda underestimated the required editorial and feature articles. I allowed the sloth fiend in me consume what I now regret as essential time that could have been used for me to prepare the articles. So prior to thursday, all I have is a scheduled interview with Mam Guarino.

I waited outside the coordinators office for atleast two hours with my friend Kim before Mam Guarino fnally had the time. And it was a breeze. I was hesitant in choosing her for my feature article for she really doesn't strike me as someone who is filled with personality and humor. I've never been so wrong. I could have made an entire speech with the answers and life lessons that she shared. I even realized that I've been smiling like a fool for the whole time.

The interview lasted for 25 minutes and I was really happy for I know that I'd be nailing that

feature article. But with the damn shit-eating, mind busting twist of cursed luck, I accidentally deleted the entire interview recording. I know!!!!!! I am definitely the most stupid drag out there! Isa akong kahihiyan sa federasyon!

I was so frustrated and stressed. Aside from the fact that I'm gonna do the somewhat narrative form of the interview, I still have to do an editorial. I was at the verge of crying (seriously! I wanted to join LAMP so much!) as I type in what I could vaguely remember from the interview. I was so emotionally drained. I was even pitying myself: "Jerome, writing is what you consider yourself good at and you can't even fucking commit!" I was furnishing some final sentences when my masscom grad brother came to check what I was doing. I already knew from the twitching of her eyes to the narrowing of his lips that I fucked up. And I was definitely in cloud 9 when he said that I had indeed. He then told me that it's simply dead and I have to do something about it. I had no idea what to do but he said one thing that lighten me up: show what you are with your writing and don't try to immitate.

The problem is I really don't have even a fraction of experience in journalism. Yes I've joined some essay writing and I was a representative for my year level at the Pen Power, but nothing prepared me for the required entries. What I hate about journalism is it's damn too formal. I can't stand it. What is the beauty of writing when you can't rant and use words like damn, shit and fag? I find it so hard to be inspired and driven when I am restricted and limited in writing.

So what I did was stick to my true self. Do what I love doing. I'd rather not be accepted than force myself to do something that is so not me. Atleast I'll be happy in the end knowing that I didn't fake it.

So with the little output from the interview that I had, I made a blog entry. Hahaha! I don't have the conscious idea on what I really wrote for it was 2 am when I finished it. For my editorial entry, I wrote about the Proposition 8. It was like magic. When I started typing it, it's like my fingers had the mind of its own. What I failed to do with my feature, I think I succeeded at achieving with my editorial. And I typed it under an hour. I suddenly gained some stamina and momentum that I wrote an additional entry (If I had the time I'm gonna post it here). And I was finished at 5 am so instead of wasting time on a nap, I took a bath and went to school.

And that's not it. We also have to do some filming! The pictures I posted here speaks for iself. Hahaha. We're lucky to come up with something for I already predicted that our output is gonna be disastrous. Anyways good luck sa amin. Hindi ako papasok pag pinalabas na to sa Community Development namin! Waaaaah!

100 Greatest Singers of All Time (from Rolling Stone)

2008-11-18T03:27:00.000-08:00

The 100 Greatest Singers of All Time

1 | Aretha Franklin

2 | Ray Charles

3 | Elvis Presley

4 | Sam Cooke

5 | John Lennon

6 | Marvin Gaye

7 | Bob Dylan

8 | Otis Redding

9 | Stevie Wonder

10 | James Brown

11 | Paul McCartney

12 | Little Richard

13 | Roy Orbison

14 | Al Green

15 | Robert Plant

16 | Mick Jagger by Lenny Kravitz

17 | Tina Turner

18 | Freddie Mercury

19 | Bob Marley

20 | Smokey Robinson

21 | Johnny Cash

22 | Etta James

23 | David Bowie

24 | Van Morrison

25 | Michael Jackson by Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy

26 | Jackie Wilson

27 | Hank Williams

28 | Janis Joplin

29 | Nina Simone

30 | Prince

31 | Howlin' Wolf

32 | Bono by Billie Joe Armstrong

33 | Steve Winwood

34 | Whitney Houston

35 | Dusty Springfield

36 | Bruce Springsteen

37 | Neil Young

38 | Elton John

39 | Jeff Buckley by Chris Cornell

40 | Curtis Mayfield

41 | Chuck Berry

42 | Joni Mitchell

43 | George Jones by James Taylor

44 | Bobby "Blue" Bland

45 | Kurt Cobain

46 | Patsy Cline

47 | Jim Morrison

48 | Buddy Holly

49 | Donny Hathaway

50 | Bonnie Raitt

51 | Gladys Knight

52 | Brian Wilson

53 | Muddy Waters by Ben Harper

54 | Luther Vandross

55 | Paul Rodgers

56 | Mavis Staples

57 | Eric Burdon

58 | Christina Aguilera

59 | Rod Stewart

60 | Björk

61 | Roger Daltrey

62 | Lou Reed

63 | Dion

64 | Axl Rose

65 | David Ruffin

66 | Thom Yorke

67 | Jerry Lee Lewis

68 | Wilson Pickett

69 | Ronnie Spector

70 | Gregg Allman

71 | Toots HIbbert

72 | John Fogerty

73 | Dolly Parton

74 | James Taylor

75 | Iggy Pop

76 | Steve Perry

77 | Merle Haggard

78 | Sly Stone

79 | Mariah Carey

80 | Frankie Valli

81 | John Lee Hooker by Bonnie Raitt

82 | Tom Waits

83 | Patti Smith

84 | Darlene Love

85 | Sam Moore

86 | Art Garfunkel

87 | Don Henley

88 | Willie Nelson

89 | Solomon Burke

90 | The Everly Brothers

91 | Levon Helm by Jim James

92 | Morrissey

93 | Annie Lennox

94 | Karen Carpenter

95 | Patti LaBelle

96 | B.B. King

97 | Joe Cocker

98 | Stevie Nicks

99 | Steven Tyler

100 | Mary J. Blige

This list were made out of the hundreds of ballots signed by various artists like Alicia Keys, Mary J. Blige, Bono and the many working people in the music industry.

I was so surprised and delighted that Christina was the only singer form the current generation that made it to the list. She even outranked Mariah. I would have loved to see Alicia Keys and Amy Winehouse, but I'm happy that Christina ain't sharing the spotlight with anyone. She truly is the voice of this generation.

And Aretha Franklin deserves this honor, hands down. I've listened to some of her songs and the girl sings from the heart like it's no others' business.

But where is Barbra Streisand? Are you effin kidding me? She deserves to be on the top 10, but to not have her even at the top 50 is tavestry. Not having her on this list, which is the case, is virtually impossible. And why is Karen Carpenter is only at #94? She isn't that good really, but the mere fact that she died from Anorexia on an early age and managed to touch the world even now is enough reason to have her on the top 50 at the least. And I'm not so sure why Whitney is only at #38. And how did Bjork made it to the list?

Anways I'm happy mostly with the result.

XOXO

Jerome

P.S.

People were looking for Celine???? I totally agree that she doesn't deserve a spot.

Oh Crap. . .

2008-11-16T03:19:00.000-08:00

I think I might have bited more than I can chew, or swallow, whatever terms that would not suggest any meaning aside from what I'm intending to post will do.

I am so screwed (not that 'other' connotation again, mind you)! Aside from the fact that my new group laid the final decision that we will indeed do a movie instead of a stage play for our report, I have to submit a feature article and editorial for my application for LAMP before Friday!

Unbelievable. Why is it that when everything seems so right something will happen that would mess everything up! Just when I finally had the opportunity to fulfill my wet dreams of being a LAMP staffer (thanks to Henzen and especially to my Hero Jan Suing. Ayiiiiiii hahahaha!), my group decided to shoot for a movie! And we had to do it this tuesday for we would be presenting them next week for our Community Development!

I was hoping so hard that before it's too late my groupmates (the majority of them) will somehow wake up and realize that they're making the biggest mistake by choosing to shoot a movie! For waking up is the only way. You cannot possibly consider that kind of surreal decision in reality! Or am I the only one who's getting in touch with the waking world? Grrrr! Now it's too late. We have to make a movie out of the concept of Western Beginnings. I just hope that by tuesday our group would be able to handle it. For the damn grade's sake I hope so!

And it's a shame that we can't meet on same grounds. Part of the group (which I belong to) were thinking of innovative ways of making the scenes (we're making a god damn movie! we have to improvise!) and the others would go on saying that we should make everything simple for given that we're nurses and not masscom students, our professor won't expect perfection. The exact point! We don't have to be so engaging and excited that we'd choose to make a movie for we're not directors nor editors nor actors! We're friggin nurses! Suddenly I miss taking vital signs and charting my patients. Life was so simple. Why do we have to make things so complicated?! (Avril??? Are you there???)

And the requirements for LAMP! Wow. I'm seriously taken a back and nerve-wrecked. I was so confident while I was making the draft early this morning for the feature article. But when I showed it to my brother (he's a masscom grad of FEU), he went on saying that what I was making was a raging editorial article! I was so perplexed. He went on discussing how to make a feature and I was like, what was I thinking? I was so vocal and cocky that I wanted to enter LAMP and I don't even know what a friggin feature article is.

But no, no, no. I'm not gonna give up. Not when I'm inspired. Fortunately I managed to figure out what to do. I'm gonna do an interview for my feature article instead. I hope Mam Guarino would agree for one. Gosh I think that would be suicidal for it's considerably difficult to put that through paragraphs without ending up with a nursing assessment-like format, but I have no choice. I'm gonna submit the issue about the IN patch being worn by freshmen already (my suppose to be feature. Imagine? Tanga ko!) for my editorial. Damn it I have to do this while juggling my lecture schedules and shooting! Grrrrrr!

Good luck na lang sa akin. I'm gonna need it!

XOXO

Jerome

Harry Potter's Peen in Action

2008-11-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

Defintely for Adult's Only!

I was chscking Dlisted.com for my regular update of hollywood gossips when I came across this picture of Daniel! I was kinda surprised, really. Not on his disappointingly small dick though. I know that in his play Equus, he would be nude but not this literally. I'm feeling a start of a headache just looking at these pictures. Surreal!

If you still can't get off with this, check the rest at Dlisted.com!

A Change of Heart

2008-11-09T04:33:00.000-08:00

I never thought I’d live to see the day that my experiences will rattle my faith and belief. I don’t know if it’s either the Proposition that I’ve been ranting about or me moving into a new apartment (which is obviously less likely) but I think I’m having doubts on my belief, I should say this simply, with God. Not with His existence though, but with His ways.

For the record, I’m not pertaining to all Christians.

The Proposition that banned same-sex marriage in California was nonetheless financed by Christian organizations, mostly the Mormons. Now I might sound obsessed and stupid to rant about a gay marriage ban that only occurred in California, but with this they set a huge example for a world filled with religious bigots to follow. With this proposition, they fired the emotions of many Christians to continuously manipulate society through their fanaticism and aggressive efforts in implementing their ideas and beliefs, creating their own dream world, which is beyond their comprehension, a nightmare to others.

All I can say when the vote was tallied and the proposition won on an excruciatingly narrow margin of 1%, was why? Why would these religious groups beg (as reported) their followers to donate millions and millions of dollars (that could have been used to help the needy, if that’s really their purpose and will) to stop something that wouldn’t even hurt a damn insect? And why would these followers oblige to do so? What would a married gay couple sharing a home, baking goods and watching American Idol (sorry, it’s my fave show) together do to them? They say that it’s because they want to preserve the ‘traditional marriage’ and to spare the children from going through the emotional and moral bombardments that may come along if gay marriage will remain legalized and taught in school. Well I have two words for them; bull shit.

Their concept of the traditional marriage was long recognized to be fucked with the many cases of divorces in their state. And who are they to argue when teachers association of California already stated that no difficulties will be experienced in teaching children about gay marriage?

These people who voted yes for Proposition 8 do not care about traditional marriage. Heck, this doesn’t have anything to do with children. It’s them stopping at nothing in making their beliefs and bible- driven ideas of what is moral or not (which is not shared by all! They can’t friggin accept that!) known, preserved and unchallenged. They wanted the society to bend to their own will, even if that means depriving others of happiness. They’re selfish fleas who definitely have zero tolerance.

Now, I can sit here all night badmouthing them, but I wouldn’t be happy in the end. For I, in a way, understand them (I hope they can do that to my kind). They are also simpletons who just happen to have a firm grasp on their religion and spirituality. Beliefs are like butts, everyone has it blah blah blah. So here I’ll show you the root of this.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." Leviticus 18:22

This is where it all started. I even came across one translation wherein it was stated that people who lie with the same sex should be killed. If sex is forbidden in the beliefs of a vast majority, then what can be said of marriage. With this, gay marriage to Christians is blasphemy.

I can’t believe I’m typing this. But God, with all that He is, should have known that this passage, as long as His words stand as law to others, will continuously create feuds and discriminations. It will continue to bring hurting, grief and uncertainties to the gay people. Was it really His will? Did He really sent gay people here to be punished not only in the eternal flames of afterlife, but as long as they live? These questions suddenly resurfaced as I look at the pictures of gay people rallying outside the churches of Mormons. I was like, “This is going to be like this for a very, very long time.”

It’s unfair. No, forget about being unfair. It’s not right. I believe that the ultimate purpose of any religion is to bind people to God’s faith. I believe that God is committed to that. I’m a proud gay believer despite that I have read this passage many years ago. Some gays abandon their belief in God upon reading this. But I did not. For I don’t think it’s right to abandon your faith just because you find something in your God’s teaching that is unjust. You don’t look for the ideal God. You accept Him for what He is.

I didn’t look for escape. With His grace, I sought for answers. More than anything, the knowledge of this passage from Leviticus made me a strong and humble believer of God. In a way I even fight for people being oppressed through God’s words. For I sincerely believe that it was never his will to oppress people . I would often say, “How about those gay people who honor their parents, do not steal, live a decent life and always put God first? Aren’t they worth saving?

But with all of this happening, the continuous oppression and discrimination, I’m afraid, terrified, that I might be arriving at the answer soon. The answer that I think I knew from the beginning but fought hard to see otherwise. I just sincerely hoped and prayed hard to see a different one in the end.

XOXO

Jerome

Why, Oh Why?

2008-11-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Antigay bigots from all over the world are now celebrating the great possibility that Proposition 8, the decree that will lay a definite ban on gay marriage in California, will see fruition at the end of this day. That was prior to the various antigay acts that had already passed. Florida and Arizona's own version of the said proposition were indeed successful, as well as Arkansas' decree that prohibits gay and lesbian couple to adopt. Here's the update from towerload.com.

"It was a battle funded to the tune of $74 million, and we may have lost it. For some reason, California voters put Proposition 2, a measure "to prohibit the cruel confinement of farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs," ahead of the marriage rights of gay people. The farm animal act passed, while gay and lesbian Americans appear to be sent back to the status of second-class citizens and discrimination appears ready to be written into the California constitution. Please do not take that statement as anger that Prop 2 passed. I'm happy it did. I'm just upset that Prop 8 looks likely to as well, and believe it will certainly play out to be a complex story.

People will be looking to place blame. The racial element in the voting will be eyed (exit polls showed 70% of blacks voting for the measure) but should not be the scapegoat. Older white voters also voted in large number for the measure. However, what should be looked at most critically is the millions and millions of dollars pumped in to pass this measure by donors associated with the Church of Latter Day Saints. The Mormons.

And because the measure would likely pass by such a narrow margin, one also has to consider those who could have gone out and voted but didn't, either because of laziness or because they took an Obama win in California for granted.

One thing is for sure, what's done is done. We must move forward. I do believe that our historic presidential win has positioned this country for great change and it is time to take advantage of that. I have spent many hours trying to get the word out about the importance of defeating Proposition 8. But I won't let its passage squelch the hope that fills me today.

We lost on other ballot initiatives as well. Arizona's ban on same-sex marriage passed. Florida's Amendment 2 banning same-sex marriagepassed. Arkansas' anti-gay foster parent and adoption measure passed. Yes, it's done. It's exhausting for me to dwell on the hours I spent reporting on these issues. But what can we do but move on and keep fighting?"

I really, really feel terrible. But more than that I'm a bit infuriated. That might sound silly for I am no American citizen, but my feelings for people suffering this loss go far beyond than empathizing. It's me experiencing the same familiar feeling of oppression and should I say it, discrimination. I can't believe that mankind had achieved such excellence when it comes to society, technology and education just for these milestones to be tampered and belittled by religion and mysticism.

How can we openly and seriously deny one person of his rights to happiness and belongingness that we would actually bother to go out of our homes and vote against them? What is so wrong with a lesbian or a gay couple being given the right for their relationship to be officially recognized? Heck, they would even put the difficulties of incorporating gay marriage in education and the preservation of effin 'traditional marriage' in line first before the happiness of hundreds of thousands of people.

What is wrong with these Prop 8 fanatics? What was denied to them that they aggressively stand by their ground and oppose such a harmless and beautiful bond? Seriously, I pity them. They had grown so cold and stupidly attached to their religion and faith that they refuse to see reason and try to put themselves in the shoes of others. And they have the effin and excruciating guts to call themselves righteous! Righteousness is all that we seek but if that includes denying others of such a dire need, then it's bs. These bigots can join together for their endless merry-making of hating people that are not like them, but you know what, gay people are here to stay. They might as well get use to it and to our endless crusade of bringing their homophobic acts down. We may have lost the battle, but in the end, we'll surely win the war.

XOXO

Jerome